So the three words: “Of course, as a doctor” – hung in the air – floating question marks, behind a question that was only a glance – even less that only a breath. The conversation no longer wanted to flow properly; Elsa’s voice had its own, softly trembling tone – she spoke like this on stage when the unexpected rushed at her, when she had to come to terms with a sudden event, an embarrassing fact. As always, we parted with friendly Handshake; she had a strong, small hand and a particularly amiable way of grasping the other’s – today for the first time there was something hesitant about her movement; her hand was damp and her eyes were veiled.
I was no less anxious and scary myself. Where did my overzealousness for Lüttow spring from, where did this shouting about an encounter come from, which a few weeks ago would have appeared to me in the same light as you did? Out of jealousy, old fool, out of jealousy! The net was drawn over me – the net of her charm, her kindness. With all my cleverness, I was trapped. Neither the years nor the studies, neither the experiences nor the knowledge of the futility and danger of passion, had saved me from falling. And what did I want? Win your love, get married, play Lüttow second? Because how could I hope for better things than the younger, more brilliant man? But it wasn’t this prospect of the future What at first worried me and seriously offended my pride – I had betrayed myself to Elsa. Hence her confusion, the trembling of her voice. It was still a goodness of her heart that she did not laugh at me. An older man, a scholar, declaring his love for a girl – how ridiculous I had found it so far; fate’s vengeance was just – I had to fall in love with an actress. This is where my wisdom, my bachelorhood, my certainty that Cupid’s arrows would no longer harm me, had finally led me. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the remotest parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent acquaintance. All would have to tell me my folly from that the tremor of her voice. It was another goodness of her heart that she did not laugh at me. An older man, a scholar, declaring his love for a girl – how ridiculous I had found it so far; fate’s vengeance was just – I had to fall in love with an actress. This is where my wisdom, my bachelorhood, my certainty that Cupid’s arrows would no longer harm me, had finally led me. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the remotest parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent acquaintance. All would have to tell me about my folly the tremor of her voice. It was still a goodness of her heart that she did not laugh at me. An older man, a scholar, declaring his love for a girl – how ridiculous I had found it so far; fate’s vengeance was just – I had to fall in love with an actress. This is where my wisdom, my bachelorhood, my certainty that Cupid’s arrows would no longer harm me, had finally led me. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the most remote parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent acquaintance. All would have to tell me my folly from that who declares his love for a girl – how ridiculous I had found it so far; fate’s vengeance was just – I had to fall in love with an actress. This is where my wisdom, my bachelorhood, my certainty that Cupid’s arrows would no longer harm me, had finally led me. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the most remote parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent friend. All would have to tell me about my folly who declares his love for a girl – how ridiculous I had found it so far; fate’s vengeance was just – I had to fall in love with an actress. This is where my wisdom, my bachelorhood, my certainty that Cupid’s arrows would no longer harm me, had finally led me. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the most remote parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent friend. All would have to tell me my folly from that guided. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the most remote parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent friend. All would have to tell me my folly from that guided. That day, despite the bad weather, I wandered around the most remote parts of the park so as not to be seen by anyone. I feared every visitor in my apartment, the face of the most indifferent acquaintance. All would have to tell me my folly from that Read forehead. Of course, walking under defoliated trees, on damp ground, in wind and rain, was just as little help against the flame that was in me, as was the resolution to stifle it under moral considerations. Nothing was easier than scolding myself than to paint in the blackest colors the unworthy position into which passion had brought me, the humiliation that was undoubtedly still reserved for me; therefore hope did not stop whispering in my ear: if Elsa takes your hand in spite of all this, less out of love – you will not be so vain as to believe in her love! – as out of friendship; when they are tired of the stage and this restless, restless life, a secure position, a comfortable existence in circles that are appropriate to their education and beauty, to an uncertain future and to meager laurels … So back and forth, in a wild mess, fear and confidence went. The heroic decision to avoid them for the next few days and not to visit the theater, which was carried out even more heroically, changed nothing in the least in the state of my heart or the state of affairs. My books seemed stale to me, my investigations worthless – I longed for her smile, for a word from her; that not only replaced the whole of Galen for me – I felt to my horror that it had already become necessary for my life like the sunshine on my palms. Avoiding them for the next few days and not going to the theater, which was even more heroic, changed nothing in the least in the state of my heart or the state of affairs. My books seemed stale to me, my investigations worthless – I longed for her smile, for a word from her; that not only replaced the whole of Galen for me – I felt to my horror that it had already become necessary for my life like the sunshine on my palms. Avoiding them for the next few days and not going to the theater, which was even more heroic, changed nothing in the least in the state of my heart or the state of affairs. My books seemed stale to me, my investigations worthless – I longed for her smile, for a word from her; that not only replaced the whole of Galen for me – I felt to my horror that it had become necessary for my life like the sunshine on my palms.
Incidentally, with my abstinence system, I did the math without the landlady; I had forgotten that I was no longer sitting alone in the boat, but that a second one had got on with me. When I had not come over to Elsa on the third day, she asked if I was sick, whether her visit was inconvenient for me? And there she was, more beautiful than ever. I pleaded my studies not visiting her, a difficult investigation. She nodded her head, smiling, as if I didn’t need to tell her any more excuses or lies. She looked around the front rooms curiously.
“I didn’t think a scholar’s apartment would be half as friendly and so splendid,” she said. “What beautiful flowers! Real old Chinese vases? ”
“A gift from an Englishman who was consul in the Middle Kingdom for many years.”
Now she asked about this and that; I dug out the oddities, artifacts, and junk that I owned. And then a conversation that didn’t stop, how I acquired it, where, from my travels – the hour just flew by. She had regained her earlier harmlessness and thereby also gave me at least the outward appearance of calm and the measured demeanor.
“And for whom did you collect all of this?” She suddenly asked, throwing her head back. “For the trade museum?”
There was so much rascality and teasing in the question that I replied in the same tone: “Of course, for whom does Hagestolz collect if not for the general?”
An oblique look met me, and the corners of her mouth twitched like a restrained smile. “The descendants may thank you for that.”
“You don’t think much of it, of fame?”
“A mediocre actress and obituary! Just mock! I am a mayfly and seek to enjoy as much sunshine as possible. With you things are different; They don’t live with us and for us; the best thoughts and hours of a great scholar belong to the unborn generations. Isn’t it an irony of the world spirit that Darwin is immortal denies and has to work for immortality? For a future he cannot foresee? ”
As she spoke, she was playing with a Japanese fan I had once bought at an auction in London: delicately carved in ivory, with fantastic dragon monsters and birds, should it be of old age.
“What was the name of the artist who made it? Where have the beautiful people gone who fanned themselves with him and let him speak the language of love? ”She said half to herself, half to me. “Nobody knows about them.”
“But the artist’s original intention,” I replied, “has been fulfilled and is always fulfilled anew; he wanted to create something pleasing for the beautiful, and over the centuries, after the most varied vicissitudes, his work has repeatedly passed from one beautiful hand to the other; every successor rejoices in the delicate work, like the first owner, and involuntarily remembers the master and all her predecessors. ”
She wanted to quickly put the fan back in the case, but I didn’t suffer from it.
“You have to keep it now,” I laughed, and pressed it into her hand.
“Do I have to?” She joked, “then I’ll pay him too” – and her cheek nestled against my lips … This is how a young girl receives the caress of an old relative. An innocent kiss … If only it hadn’t been for her eyes that looked at me as if through a light veil, half with a question, half with a request.
Since then our intercourse has continued as before. Neither wanted to let the other clearly notice that, despite the apparent regularity of our behavior, our circumstances were undergoing a profound change had experienced. Only a furtive glance from Elsa’s, a short sigh, certain turns of speech, a more tender response to my peculiarities and opinions, then another eloquent silence, a gaze when I touched her, made me believe that she was not insensitive to my love that she would not set an invincible contradiction to my wishes. There were just enough fires to kindle the embers of my heart even more. You are not yet an old man, said the vanity and the desire in me, that you could not strive for the possession of a beautiful girl, and she too is already past her first youth and her first dream of love. She has experienced the vicissitudes of fate bitterly enough,
As meek as I was a short time ago, I became so brave now. Brave and enterprising – it was Christmas time and I felt more like I was in my youth, in the mood for adventurous pranks. Amid such hard privations and struggles for existence I had had to spend what are called the most beautiful years that I hardly had a youth, at least enjoyed none of its sunshine. Once love had smiled at me too, once I had also been to Arcadia – but I hadn’t understood how to use happiness. Now it was useless to ponder whether I acted like a fool or a hero, whether I had saved myself from guilt with the strength of will or had escaped from passion from innate weakness. The only yield I have from all work Bringing home vigils and renunciations was a name in science and a fortune – I realized too late that they are incapable of indulging happiness. No, it shouldn’t be too late! I wanted to sit down at the table of life and taste its wine.
Christmas offers the easiest and most unconstrained approach even to those who have hitherto been under pressure from society; Under the Christmas tree, in the shine of the lights, in the breath of childhood memories that wafts through the room with the scent of resin, hands and hearts come together as it were by themselves. Admittedly, there hadn’t been a Christmas tree in my room for thirty-five years; I used to bury myself as deep as I could under my books every Christmas Eve, when duty did not drive me up and down the damp streets, in fog and rain, from one sick bed to another. I didn’t even have happy memories to conjure up. My mother had died in poverty and worry, I had not been able to bring her a happy evening; My siblings lived far away from me – now, as far as I knew, in well-to-do circumstances, but beyond the ocean, in the west of the Union. So Christmas Eve was different to me from the other evenings in the year only because it increased my discontent and melancholy and the misery of the world threatened to push me down into the abyss of despair.
Today it should be different. “I won’t let anyone take my Christmas tree,” Elsa had said. “The director is in a whimsy and wants to give us all a festive gift, but I’ll be home again at nine o’clock and light my own Christian light. You are solemnly invited to it, my dear, my dear friend! ‘It was a message to me as if from the mouth of an angel. Like the Roman world in the past, it seemed to me that a time of peace and happiness was about to dawn.
I impatiently awaited the ninth hour – me believe with a pounding heart like a child. And my hope was not disappointed. I’ve never celebrated a nicer Christmas Eve than this one. Everything combined to put Elsa in the rosiest mood. Her colleagues, her director, had treated her with the greatest kindness; A few days ago a new play had been staged, and she had been so successful in it that her play and the news of it which spread around town seemed to promise full houses for several weeks to the news. The little things she gave away had given others just as much joy as the gifts they received. In her apartment, the brightly decorated Christmas tree was soon shining with bright lights. Her face shimmered like spring sunshine. She wore a blue silk dress, her blond hair fell long combed over her shoulders and back. In her cheerfulness and busyness she had never unfolded all the charm of her grace more enticingly. After we both had enjoyed our mutual “structure” and had seen our fill, had discovered a special delicacy in every little detail, we sat close to each other. From her cheerful mood she had gradually become more serious, our hands involuntarily came together. “Today I really feel like the poor shepherdess,” she said, “who is pouring a whole basket of delicious presents into her lap for her godfather, the fairy. Just think, I received a guest application from the Burgtheater in Vienna – me, poor thing! Who would have prophesied this to me half a year ago! But since then I must have become an excellent actress if I am to believe the audience and my director. And to whom do I owe this brilliant result? Who else but you, dear friend, your advice, your teachings! “
