A female friend of mine said that she always apologizes to others, which seems to have become her habit. No matter what happened, no matter if she did something wrong, she couldn’t help apologizing to others when she saw others angry. But my heart is not really wanting to apologize, but to let things pass quickly and calm conflicts and emotions quickly. She said that she has been educated since she was a child. As long as it is not a matter of principle, she will have less trouble by following the feelings of others, and don’t fight for wins or losses for little things.
Sometimes, she feels useless. Although she can no longer face other people’s emotions after apologizing, she has to face her own inner conflict.
Why do you want to apologize to others when you are wronged?
British psychologist Lein said: “To exist is to be perceived.” A person’s sense of existence comes from his feelings being seen by another person. Correspondingly, the sense of non-existence means that your feelings have not been confirmed.
A visitor said that when she was in elementary school, she went to a relative’s house to pay a New Year greeting. The adults chatted downstairs and she watched TV upstairs. Then an uncle came up, sat next to her and watched TV with her, and then somehow carried her over. At first, she thought that uncle was teasing her. Later, the other party began to kiss her, holding her and not letting her go. Although she didn’t know what was going on at that time, she was very scared. After returning home, I told my mother, but my mother scolded her severely.
She was ashamed and ashamed. She didn’t want to do anything. She was even afraid and didn’t know what to do. She felt her mother’s attitude towards this matter. In her mother’s attitude, she felt full of shame. She felt that her existence was a mistake. Later, no matter what happened, she didn’t dare and didn’t want to tell her parents.
All grievances must be digested alone. What digests is not only grievances, but also the shame hidden behind grievances. This kind of shame is that your feelings are not important, and your existence is not important.
Shame is a kind of soul loss. It will make us self-deprecating, internalized shame, it will make us feel that we are defective, we have not even experienced any external events, and we feel ashamed just because of our own existence. Just like the visitor who was sexually harassed by “strange uncle” in childhood, her mother’s attitude made her feel that her existence was ashamed and wrong.
In last year’s hit play “The Summer Solstice”, Cheng Qiqi was invited to the teaching office because of a fight with Li Yanran. Cheng Qiqi’s mother asked Qiqi to apologize to Yanran and the others. Qiqi felt that she was not wrong and did not want to apologize because she was The other party did it first.
However, not only did the mother fail to face herself, she could not even do basic justice. Thinking about her normal family life, her mother would not turn to herself, no matter who was wrong, she would eventually have to apologize seven or seven. She felt very wronged. This is also an important reason why Qiqi’s personality has become distorted. She changed from being pure and innocent at the beginning to full of scheming. Qiqi moves from one end to the other, nothing more than a desire for love.
A person’s initial sense of existence comes from his feelings being seen by his parents. The sense of non-existence is the neglect and denial of the children by the parents. Without being taken care of by love, the existence itself is like a mistake.
We all desire to take control of our lives, but when we can’t even protect ourselves, we will feel a deep sense of helplessness. This helplessness can also cause intense humiliation and shame.
Many children who have been beaten, scolded and even abused by their parents since childhood can easily blame themselves for the cause. They will think that if they are obedient and behave better, the adults will not beat themselves. They may also feel that they can’t even protect themselves. It’s really useless.
After experiencing the sense of shame, children may use defense mechanisms such as reverse formation and rationalization to protect their inner heart from further harm. Therefore, even if I am wronged, I will apologize to the other person, will attribute the mistake to myself, thinking that if it is not my own problem, my parents will not beat and scold me, and others will not be upset.
If we are wronged and even apologize, it may be that we are too scared, afraid that even the worst relationship will be gone. Without the relationship, we will not be able to prove our existence.
Using a reverse-formed and rationalized defense mechanism is to give yourself a less hurtful lie: it’s not that they don’t love me, it’s just that I’m not doing well enough.
In the process of psychological counseling, the counselor will allow the client to express his emotional trauma. Because visitors usually feel shame when expressing their emotional trauma.
For example, there is a visitor who feels that being late is an unruly behavior. He was worried about what the consultant would think of him and whether he would be unhappy and so on. The consultant’s response to him is that no matter how many minutes you are late, you have paid for this consultation. Such a response not only conveys acceptance to the visitor, but also puts the visitor’s attention on “he can be responsible for his actions”, so that he is no longer limited to late behavior, thereby reducing his Guilt and shame.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: “All of us live with our own faults and the shame attached to these faults. Without admitting the existence of pain, there is no way to get rid of pain.”
The defense mechanism used to protect us when we were most uncomfortable, but at the same time it also made us accustomed not to face the trauma of the past. We dare not face trauma, and shame is formed when we are unable to face trauma. Only when you see the connection between past and present behavior patterns, you will have a deeper understanding of yourself.
When we can see ourselves in this way, our inner self-attack will also decrease. At the same time, this also means that the strength of being an adult is gradually increasing.