Fantasy, truth and pursuit of ideal marriage

The cost of marriage upgrade
In 1987, Chen Yijun, who worked at the Institute of Sociology of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, set off to study in the Department of Sociology at the University of California. This time he went abroad, Chen Yijun rushed to a completely new field. Teacher Fei Xiaotong suggested that she enter the field of marriage and family research. “He preached that the family is a common organization for all mankind. Whether it is globalization or China’s reform, opening up and modernization, under any wave, the foundation of society is the family.”

Chen Yijun regarded 1980 as the demarcation point of Chinese marriage modernization.

In the first 30 years after the founding of the Republic, marriages showed a super stable state. But this does not mean that people’s marriages at that time were exceptionally happy and happy, it was just because marriages were firmly maintained by many external bonds. The essence of traditional marriage is not intimate relationship, but “economic cooperative” and “birth community”.

After 1980, all restraints were released. People have money in their pockets, the social welfare system is perfected, and one person can support the family and provide for the elderly. The administrative power of the state is also retreating in married life. Although the first “Marriage Law” promulgated in 1950 stipulated the freedom of divorce, it followed the principle of no-fault divorce. In the trial of a divorce lawsuit, if the parties fail to provide a ground for divorce that conforms to social ethics, it is difficult to be approved by the court for divorce. In 1980, the second “Marriage Law” underwent major changes. For the first time in Article 25 of this “Marriage Law”, “the relationship between husband and wife has indeed broken” as the legal standard for divorce judgments. Divorce began to become an act of personal free choice in the true sense.

When the traditional functions of marriage such as economic mutual assistance and childbirth gradually weaken and disappear, when the external system loosens marriage and allows it to return to the realm of private emotions, our marriage today begins to appear as an intimate relationship. Chen Yijun said: “When people pursue spiritual communication, cultural matching, and harmony in life in marriage, marriage becomes more advanced, more civilized, and more advanced. At the same time, the threshold and requirements for the survival of marriage are actually much higher than before. .”

The illusion and truth of the “ideal companion”
The by-product of getting married because of love is one of the most common hallucinations of modern marriage, that is, the quality of marriage depends on finding an eternal “ideal object”. Once getting along is not as expected, people’s first reaction is always “did you find the wrong person?” So someone is always asking: “What should I do if I meet a better person in the future?”

Chen Yiyun said that she was sent to study in Canada at the age of 40. Among the more than 20 romantic and suave middle-aged people who went with her, many were better than her husband. “What mentality did you have at that time? It’s too late to meet.” She returned from abroad and communicated very frankly with her husband. “I said, it’s a bit early for me to marry you at the age of 30. Maybe if I marry you at the age of 40 or 50, I won’t find you. My husband said, what you said is exactly what I want to say, if I am 50 I won’t be looking for you when I get married at this age.”

These words sound ruthless, but they are the reality of the free choice of spouse in modern marriages. “When you decided to get married, in fact, there were still many candidates who did not show up in front of you.” Chen Yijun said, “Many people consider divorce because they meet people who hate to meet each other late. I advise them: Don’t worry. In 5 years, you will meet again later, and in 10 years, you will meet even later. Life is endless, and exploration is endless!”

The side of “meeting and hating late” is that the long-term common life will always wipe out the halo of the marriage partner at the initial marriage, and the incompatibility between each other will gradually become prominent.

The other side of “meeting and hating late” is that we tend to have unrealistic expectations of marriage relationships, thinking that an “ideal object” should meet all our needs. “In fact, no one person in the world can meet all the needs of another person. The basis of marriage is that it can meet your most basic needs and interests. One person obtains this basic need in marriage, and then can get from other relationships There is another supplement. A person can have a’blue face’ and a red face, as long as it does not cross the loyalty to marriage, it is normal.”

Feelings are not everything
In marriage, people have never elevated the status of affection so high as they do today. Another common illusion in modern marriage is that we think that as long as we love each other, there should be no problems in marriage. Liu Dan, the clinical supervisor of the Psychological Counseling Center of Tsinghua University, has been doing family counseling for many years. She found that many couples have fallen into a trap: things are easily attributable to individuals, and the problem is that the person in front of them is not doing a good job. The reason why he didn’t do well was because he changed, because he didn’t love me enough, and he didn’t fit me well.

“People spend different stages of their lives in marriage, each stage has different problems, so the family also has a life cycle, just like the growth of bamboo, from one bamboo joint to the next, the transition part will not Smooth, there will be new challenges.” Liu Dan said, “We have to know that at this time, some friction is not caused by the other’s subjective will.”

“A typical life cycle phenomenon in marriage is childbirth. At this stage, a woman will undergo tremendous changes in her physiology and psychology during pregnancy and lactation. She will definitely focus her attention on the child, and quite a few people will also have stages. Sexual depression. During this period, the husband will be very disappointed. The normal relationship between husband and wife will become intimacy. He may also be depressed and anxious. If they do not realize that this is a normal phenomenon under physiological rhythm, both parties will complain to each other. : Why do you no longer care about me?”

“Nowadays, the average life expectancy has been greatly extended, and retired couples can expect to have 20 to 30 years of married life. New problems will follow: the elderly lose their dual roles as laborers and parents in society, and the sense of loss caused by this Special mentalities such as feelings of isolation and isolation are often reflected in the form of couples quarreling.”

There are more complicated factors that affect the marriage relationship. In a rapidly changing China, the other train is the era. “We will encounter many unprecedented problems in the management of marriage relations.” Liu Dan said, “For example, who pays to buy a house before marriage, who owns the property rights, and how will they belong in the future? How do two people discuss this matter? The test of this. This is a problem caused by the rapid progress of the entire Chinese society, and it is not an individual decision. Whether to see and accept this will make the two sides adopt completely different strategies when dealing with these problems. ”

Deepest attachment
If today, we no longer need marriage to protect the economy and have children, if in the process of pursuing the “ideal marriage”, we are bound to endure disappointment, accept the incompleteness of life, and learn to make concessions and compromises-or in short, Modern marriage itself is a lifelong problem, so why do we still need marriage? What is its significance and value to individuals?

Psychology believes that intimacy is a basic human need. Of course, people can also get intimacy from friendships and other relationships, but as American psychotherapist Judith Vioster said in the book “Necessary Loss”: When we get along with friends, we usually don’t look like we were when we were young. That way, reveal your personality and most of your basic needs in a primitive way. However, think back to the situation when we were with our spouse: we would slack in our nightgowns and have breakfast with TA; we would look for sluggish children at home when we had a bad cold; we would eat with TA , Unceremoniously fork away the food from TA’s plate; when quarreling, we will sternly confront TA. When we are with our spouse, apart from joy, there are other primitive returning behaviors.

As a long-term promised relationship, the difficulty of marriage may be that you will gradually recognize the full truth of each other: the real you are not very charming. You will all be weak, selfish, stupid at certain moments… The entire truth of human nature is revealed to you, making people breathless. But it is very likely that the meaning and charm of marriage lies in this: when a person sees everything about you, he is still willing to be with you.

Today, whether to enter a marriage and promise an intimate relationship with the goal of a lifetime is no longer a choice that everyone must make. “The choice of marriage, in the final analysis, is still what philosophy of life you hold. Does a person pursue short-term happiness or long-term happiness? Happiness is easy, but there is no hardship, ups and downs, pain, where does it come from? happy?”

Chen Yijun always remembered that many years ago on the streets of Los Angeles, she ran into a man with a dog while hiding from the rain. “Is your home not far from here?” She struck up without words. “I live in a house. A house, understand? That’s not a home. I have 4 houses, but no home.” Unexpectedly, the man told the man his life. He just passed his 50th birthday, joined the film troupe at the age of 25, appeared on the screen at the age of 30, and starred in a not-so-famous movie. Later he changed business and made a fortune. He bought a mansion in Beverly Hills and began to invite female companions to travel the world. He has had more than a dozen female companions, none of whom has truly loved him, and he has never promised anything to anyone. “Pursue, succeeded, tired. This is the trilogy of life.” He leaned down to kiss his fat dog, “Look, this is my lover.”

“There was a voice reminding me not to fall into that kind of tragedy.” For the sake of his career, Chen Yijun used to be away from home for up to two years. He spent about eight years traveling abroad. His husband took care of everyone in China. Son person. She is very fortunate and proud. She and her husband have kept their marriage promises. The emotions accumulated over the years are hard to express in simple words. “People say that love is called love when couples spend their days before and after the moon. Wrong! Friendship, affection, affection, compassion… Isn’t all the condensed love in marriage?”