Where to anchor

I don’t know when I started, my name in the unit from “Xiao Meng” to “Meng sister”. After the product manager resigned, I was promoted to the “Old Six” of the company, not in terms of position, but in terms of age, and I suddenly realized that I was not young.

I am an ordinary test engineer, doing a 9-5 job in a small technology company. When I was young, I could proudly say, “It doesn’t matter if I don’t have money, I still have a lot of years to create my future. But at 33 years old, I look at my life again, no house, no car, no boyfriend, more or less will be some sad. I’m still in the same place. 10 years is a node, I need to give an account of myself, in Beijing for so long, how many things have sunk down? I don’t want to compare myself with anyone, I just want to have some achievements to prove that my hard work has come to fruition.

I have been thinking about buying a house for a while, high-end housing we can not reach, more than 30 square meters of small homes can be ah. My annual salary of about 200,000 yuan, a short period of promotion and salary increase is not possible, since it is impossible to open source, to cut costs.

In order to reduce expenses, I rented a one-bedroom apartment in Yanjiao, Hebei, which was cheap, but I was tired of the 6-hour commute to work every day. I got up at 5:00 a.m. and arrived at the bus station before 5:30 a.m. to wait for the first bus. At that time, there were already many old men and women in line, in order to let their children rest a little longer, there is a seat on the bus, usually less than 5 o’clock to occupy the seat, waiting for their children to arrive, they then go home to rest. The first time I saw these old people, I was overwhelmed with emotion. It’s not easy to be in Beijing.

This “two-city life” lasted me only one year. Our department received a new project, and our work became busy all of a sudden, so overtime became a daily routine.

I used to love this environment full of variables in Beijing – I didn’t know what people I would meet, and I didn’t know what would happen, and there were surprises and scares at any time, and the people I liked were especially likeable and the people I hated were especially annoying. But it doesn’t matter, they all come and go in a hurry, change jobs, colleagues have all changed; move home, neighbors have changed to unfamiliar faces. For a curious person like me, this is what makes life new and interesting.

After I got older, I started to yearn for a stable life, including a stable income, a stable place to live, and even a stable circle of friends.

When I first graduated, I used to karaoke with my college roommates, but later we were all busy, and Beijing was so big that it was not easy to see each other once, so I slowly stopped dating. A colleague is particularly good, 5 years ago she went back home to Guangxi, this is half of China, we have never seen each other again. When I think of these, my heart will be very sad, those who witnessed each other’s youth, those who embraced the warmth, one day their own end of the world, who can not predict which time to meet is the last, the glance is the last glance, I thought the future is long, the fate has entered the countdown.

Once home, my mother said, “Mom is old, see once less once.” I was in tears, and my mom freaked out, saying she was just joking and that she and my dad were in good health. But I’m just sad, my parents’ aging is visible to the naked eye, when I left home, my mom can climb up 5 floors without a break, but now she has to take a break on the first floor.

What is the point of staying in Beijing when I haven’t taken good care of my parents for so many years and I haven’t made a name for myself in Beijing? Since I am destined to be a mediocre person, I should go back to my hometown, at least I can do my filial piety and have less regrets in life.

After a few months of hesitation, I finally made up my mind to quit my job in Beijing. Before I left, I went to the Great Wall of China, Gubei Water Town, the National Museum and Zhongshan Memorial Hall. I think it is really good to say whether Beijing is good or not, because the cultural nourishment cannot be given elsewhere, and there are always plays, operas and dances in all seasons, and there are always people reciting poems loudly in the park, and there are always people running, and everyone is living in a frenzy.

I felt that since I came by train that year, I should also go by train. I deliberately chose a hard sleeper upper berth, exactly the same as that year. When I came, it was September, and it was still hot in the south, but Beijing was already cool; when I left, it was the eve of Spring Festival, and the trees in Beijing were bare, with no leaves left, while the trees back home were flourishing. Looking at the scenery outside the window, my eyes were moistened. 14 years passed in a flash, and I grew from a young and ignorant girl to an experienced test engineer, and the best time of my life was spent here. If I could, I would really like to stay and take my parents with me to see the wild flowers in Juyongguan in spring, drink old Beijing yogurt in Nanluoguxiang in summer, enjoy the romantic ginkgo forest in Diaoyutai in autumn, and ride the ice car in Shichahai in winter.

My parents were so happy when I came home, they were willing to have the whole family together in peace and quiet, and my mom was walking around for a few days. Looking at their smiling faces, I think I came back to the right.

It’s hard to find a job in a small place. Beijing high-tech companies pile up, with my professional ability, into a small and medium-sized companies, earn a monthly salary of 10,000 to 20,000 yuan absolutely no problem; home is a small county with traditional industries, garment factories, shoe factories such as manufacturing enterprises everywhere, only the lack of Internet companies. I was ready to take a pay cut before I came back, but I did not expect to even find a professional job are so difficult, and finally had to be arranged by relatives, into a solar water heater factory as the deputy director of the office.

I applied for an administrative assistant position when I first graduated from college, and if nothing else, the end of my career would be the office director or administrative manager, but I quit after two months, because the job was not very professional, and I wanted to have a skill, and the little I learned in college should not be wasted. I didn’t expect that one day I would be back on this track.

This is a family business, the boss’s wife is in charge of finance, the boss’s uncle is in charge of supply, the boss’s brother is in charge of production, most of the important positions are held by the boss and the boss’s wife’s relatives, the key is that the two sides also clash from time to time, passing the buck to each other. There is a general sense of despair among the other staff that no matter how hard you work, you are still an outsider. This is very different from Beijing, where there are more foreigners than locals, and everyone is really fighting to be professional, no matter who you are, your performance is too “crotch pulling”. Of course, I am not qualified to criticize the company, because I also came in through connections.

After 14 years of separation from my hometown, there are too many aspects that I need to try to adapt to.

There is no immersive theater, no painting exhibitions, no concerts, and people are all dedicated to working and earning money. The good side is that everyone is very practical, no empty talk, no bullshit; the bad side is that material things are very important. People are particularly eager for wealth and generally envy those who live in mansions and can afford to buy brand-name bags, and they also compare themselves explicitly and implicitly. My cousin suggested that I buy a second-hand BMW or Mercedes-Benz, saying that the street is particularly stylish, I cried and laughed – such a small place, the bicycle as a means of transport is sufficient, and occasionally go far away to take a taxi or take the bus can. This can not be said to be bad, right, human beings pursue a better life, society can move forward, I just feel out of place.

After the job stabilized, my parents arranged several blind dates, probably not enough luck, I did not meet a mutually agreeable. I want to get married when I meet the right person; they will think that I am so old and still not married, most of them have personality problems, and they can’t make it in Beijing, so what qualification do they have to pick and choose? One of the men sent me flowers twice, and I thanked him, but I had no idea to continue dating him, and he told my introducer that I was “odd”.

One day I saw in my WeChat circle of friends that my former colleagues had gone to Qinglongxia for a group trip, and I posted a comment: “I miss you guys so much.” The colleagues replied: “Come back soon!” “We miss you too!” “There is an opening for a test engineer position.”

I said to my mom, “I miss Beijing. My mom said what should I do then. I said if I go back, will you think I’m a repetitive person who doesn’t know what I want? My mother said no, no matter what I decide, she and my father will support. I said I couldn’t worry about them both. The actual fact is that you will be able to get a lot more than just a couple of days to get a lot more than just a couple of days.

The attitude of my parents is particularly important, with their understanding, I have at least half of the pressure off. They made me understand that a person’s life is a constant trial and error, a constant pursuit, stumbling forward, until one day learn to accept life’s shortcomings without fear. My life depends on my parents.

That’s how I came back to Beijing, still working in the same company, with a heavy heart, and the same kind of cheerfulness when I came to school in Beijing.

Life may be like this, big cities have big city pain, small places have small place pain, I can not escape the pain, but can only choose how to bear. I can’t let go of the cultural nourishment of Beijing, and I can’t let go of my family; I can’t afford to buy a house in Beijing, and I’m not happy back home, so it’s too difficult.

I am recently looking at houses in Langfang, and I want to buy a commercial and residential house near the high-speed railway station, from here to the company’s daily commute time is about 3 hours, which is not far in Beijing. It doesn’t matter if I get married or not, if I get promoted or not, but I hope to have a nest of my own before the next birth year comes, so that I can bring my parents here and still have a family of three together.