Unwilling to apologize is afraid of blame

Apologizing seriously is difficult for many people. Some lovers would rather give up a love than apologize to each other; some parents would rather silently compensate with tenfold behavior than say sorry to their children; some people can say “I am sorry” when joking. Wrong”, but when we need to apologize formally, we can’t speak anyway… Why does the matter of apology make us so obstructed?

For some people, admitting their mistakes is tantamount to placing themselves in the weak position, which is very insecure. In family life, some people may have experienced the following situations: because one of the parents has done something wrong, the other side draws other people to crusade together, and he may be forced to stand in line and punish the person who did the wrong thing. The wrongdoer, isolated and helpless and guilty, can only bear it silently or pay a huge price for forgiveness. “The one who made the mistake will lose all kinds of advantages, become weak and helpless, and finally have a bad ending.” This is a concept that some people have constantly learned in life from childhood to adulthood. No one wants to have a bad ending, and no one wants to be isolated and hurt. If making a mistake means such a terrible end, not admitting the mistake may be the best option.

Others don’t want to apologize because they don’t believe they can be forgiven. You can naturally apologize when you make a small mistake, but the greater the mistake you make, the harder it is to admit it. Imagine that if you are very sure, after apologizing, the other party will forgive you from the heart and fully understand the reasons why you did it in the first place, and even said that you never thought you were really wrong. Does it feel that it is easier to admit your mistakes? Unfortunately, we could not predict the reaction of the other party. No one likes the feeling of doing something wrong. The bigger the mistake, the more uncomfortable the feeling of doing something wrong. Although I really want to be saved, I think I don’t deserve to be forgiven at all. At this time, it will be more difficult for us to apologize.

For most people, the feeling of shame and not being loved when admitting mistakes is unbearable. It’s sometimes difficult for us to distinguish between “behavior” and “quality”. When apologizing, what we realize is not that a particular behavior is not done well, but that “I am a bad person with bad qualities.” “. When acknowledging mistakes directly points to our personal nature, the shame and low self-esteem that follow can be very painful. In addition, some people have learned from their own growth experience that only when they do well and satisfying can they get love, and once they do something wrong or disappointing, they will lose love. Then admitting a mistake is a very dangerous thing, it is better to try to justify, let yourself avoid that risk.

If we give apology a lot of complicated and dangerous meaning, then apology is indeed a difficult thing to accomplish easily. But are the meanings that we assign right? Is it possible that although we have done something wrong, we are still good people? Is it possible that no matter how big a mistake we made, it deserves to be forgiven? Is it possible that we can have love even if we do not do well? Perhaps, letting go of the heavy burden behind the “apology”, sincerely discuss the matter, and sincerely admit a mistake with others, you will feel a lot more comfortable.