A love that cannot be erased

  Jane is a classmate of my junior high school. She wears two small braids, her black eyes flicker, like stars in the sky, she has fair skin, likes to sing and dance, and is very active. She is a real school girl. Her family lives on the streets of towns, and their economic conditions are good, and she has become an angel in many people’s minds. To me, who came to study from a remote mountain village, she is a white swan, which is beyond expectation. At that time, there were few girls in the class, so I rarely talked to her.
  For unknown reasons, Zhen didn’t go to high school after graduating from junior high school. At that time, our high school went to the middle school in other towns. Therefore, I had no contact with Jane.
  I graduated from high school in 1976. At that time, I had to participate in two years of productive labor before I had the chance to be recommended. For people from poor families like me, I didn’t even dare to think about continuing to go to school. Feeling that my future is bleak, I went to burn charcoal in the mountains and forests with an old neighbor, often reciting Bai Juyi’s “Selling Charcoal Weng” silently. It wasn’t until 1977 that I hurried home and took the college entrance examination without reviewing. Of course, I lost my name. It just so happened that the village school set up a junior high school attached to the elementary school and lacked teachers. Therefore, I went to school as a private teacher.
  Although Zhen didn’t go to high school, her family was in a good condition. She was recommended to study as a secondary school in the “community to society” in 1975. She just graduated in the fall of 1977 and was assigned to the school in my village. Therefore, our contacts have increased. At this time, she was already a slim and graceful girl. With her delicate appearance and knowledge, her temperament was quite good.
  We often visit home together in our spare time, urge students to do morning and evening self-study at home, often take a walk on the country road, sit by the stream, listen to frogs, watch fish, and even walk more than a dozen miles to the neighboring county at night. Watching a movie in a small mountain village. I remember that it was playing “A Dream of Red Mansions” at the time, and the lyrics were Li Shangyin’s “difficult and difficult to meet each other, the Dongfeng is powerless and the flowers can remain.” She asked me what I felt at the time, and I said: “Emotional, but too sad.” She said: “I hope we don’t leave regrets in this life!”
  At that time, someone was talking in secret, saying that we were in love. In fact, we just have a good impression of each other. I don’t dare to climb high to her because she is a full-time employee, has good family conditions, and she is beautiful. As for me, I am only a temporary worker and my family is poor. I am really ashamed because I often work in the production team, and I am always in the sun and in the dark. Besides, she is two years older than me, and I can only treat her as a sister.
  She often encourages me to build up confidence, enter colleges and universities, and borrow a lot of books for me to review, and she often accompanies me to discuss issues with me. Some colleagues at the school also joked that the white swan is a nerd. She smiled and said, “Good or bad Jinshigu” (Southern Fujian dialect: there will be future prospects). After two visits, we really fell in love. We didn’t see each other for a day and felt uncomfortable. However, no one was willing to speak first, and no one had the courage to speak out our love.
  In 1978, because I ate bad food before taking the college entrance examination, it caused vomiting and diarrhea, which affected the exam. I also failed to pass the exam this year. At the end of the year, my parents forced me to go on a blind date. At first, I refused to go. But my father said: “I know who you are thinking about, but are you worthy of others?” I said that I still have to take the college entrance examination, but my parents said: “People have a good life, and you, I am afraid it is not good, otherwise it is I won’t get sick in the middle of the exam, and I won’t be able to pass the exam again.” He said, “We are all old, and you find an honest, hardworking girl in the countryside to start a family, but we also have a wish.” I couldn’t help my parents. The nagging, I took a look at it with the mentality that a blind date might not be possible. I didn’t realize that this girl actually agreed, so I decided on a marriage.
  When Jane knew that I had made a kiss, she burst into tears. She couldn’t eat or sleep well for days and nights. She couldn’t stop her tears if she persuaded her. She said to me: “After getting along for so long, don’t you understand my intentions?” I could only be silent and cry.
  In 1979, I was admitted to a technical secondary school with relatively high grades. However, due to high blood pressure during the physical examination, I was temporarily forced to change my choice and enrolled in a normal school. On the day I went to town to take the bus to the normal school, Jane still came to the station to see me off. However, her eyes were full of melancholy. I studied as a general teacher for two years. In the past two years, we exchanged dozens of letters. She has always encouraged me to concentrate on studying, and she has also sent me dozens of yuan, telling her about any difficulties in life, even if she tells her.
  In 1981, after graduating from the general teacher, I returned to my hometown to work and was assigned to the Central Primary School. Zhen was also transferred to Central Elementary School this year. We encourage each other at work and often walk together. Sometimes, Jane comes to my dorm and sits for a long time. She secretly asked me: “Can you leave the relationship? Can we be together?” I am a very conservative person. Do I have to pierce the backbone for the rest of my life?” We have no luck in this life.
  At the end of this year, my fiancee and I were married, so I didn’t dare to face Jane’s grieving eyes. In the second year, she entrusted someone to transfer to the county elementary school and left this sad place. Later, she married the squad leader of the “community to society” secondary school class who had been pursuing her. Since then, we have less contact.
  After a few years, I took the adult college entrance examination, was admitted to the Cadre Academy, and studied for several years without pay. After graduation, he was reassigned to teach in the middle school of the town. The quality of our middle school education has always been very good. Many students from other towns, counties and cities come to our middle school. More than ten years later, Jane’s daughter also transferred to our school. At this time, I can only teach her daughter carefully to repay her for her friendship with me. The unforgettable love between us can only be buried in the bottom of my heart, and can only bless each other well.
  The feelings and guilt that I have for Jane have been unable to let go for decades, and it will become a sadness that can never be erased in my soul.