Life is just an experience, not a game

  I’m not afraid of the sky, and I’m not afraid of the child’s summer vacation.
  For many parents, each summer vacation is the official “final exam”, and one exam lasts two months. Everyone of the Eight Immortals crossed the sea to show their magical powers, just to arrange properly for the beasts that came out of the cage.
  For example, Lili, located in Guangzhou, had planned it early in the morning: send the baby to a full-day care training class every four days a week, and at other times let the elderly take the baby to visit parks and shopping malls, take one or two annual leave, and take the whole family out of the province. Swim in a circle, swim in a circle around, rounding up will fill up two months, perfect!
  As a result, people are not as good as the sky. The rectification of the education and training industry, the outbreak of epidemics all over the country, and the notice that teachers and students must return to Guangzhou for half a month before the start of school…have crossed her planning list one by one. Open the parent group in WeChat, everyone is asking if there are any reliable hosting classes, or sharing links to some study tours and summer camps. After Li Li clicked on a few links, she saw the five-figure entry fee, turned it off silently, and turned her head to stare at her son.
  ”When did it start, it became a task that couldn’t be accomplished without spending money?” Li Li complained in the circle of friends. Even if you do not register for the camp or class, the “three-piece suit with your baby” every weekend or holiday is nothing more than going to the mall, going to the amusement park, eating a big meal… Sometimes she and her husband accompany the baby to play games and read picture books. But inevitably, I feel bored and irritable, and I can’t help but want to grab my mobile phone.
  ”It is said that we need to accompany our parents and children efficiently, but we really have neither talent nor skills. Why don’t we give parents a training class?”
  There are actually many parents like Li Li. According to the “2021 China Family Education White Paper” recently released by “Jianzhi” and “One Psychology”, according to the 4259 parent samples interviewed, the biggest problem between parents and children is “feeling education, lack of effective methods”, followed by ” “No time to spend time with children” and “painful communication between parents and children”.
  In the company of parents and children, reading extracurricular books, outdoor activities, and playing children’s games are what parents do most often, but only 30% of them can do it often or every day.
  The lack of effective methods makes the already stretched parent-child time even worse, how to break it?
Are you walking the dog, or are you with your baby?

  ”If you subconsciously regard accompany your children as the responsibility and task of parents, like walking a puppy every day is something you have to do, then there will be faint impatience and irritability in your heart.” As a national second-level psychological counselor , The founder of the public account “Ling Xiang Parent-Child Psychology” and the mother of a boy, Ling Xiang has a deep understanding of this. And this comes from her own experience of bringing a baby.
  It was an autumn afternoon, and Ling wanted to take his son Chengzi to the park to play. Orange Sahuan ran for a while, and then started playing his own game with the leaves. Ling Xiang was bored and started to swipe his phone.
  Seeing the sun was west and the temperature was getting colder, she began to urge: “Are you going to have fun? Let’s go home?” After asking three or four times, Orange just refused to leave.
  ”I suddenly asked myself: Am I staying with my child? Or walking him like a puppy? Although we are together, we are immersed in different worlds and we don’t have much communication with each other.”
  She decided to put away the phone. Try to play with him according to the idea of ​​oranges. They picked up pieces of leaves of different shapes, made these inconspicuous things into various shapes, took pictures, named them, and wore them beautifully, having fun.
  ”Only then did I realize that when I devoted myself to the world of my children, all my irritability and worries disappeared. I not only fulfilled my duty as a parent, but I also enjoyed it. To be precise, it was not me who accompany the children. It’s that we’re company with each other.
  It’s a wonderful feeling.” This matter was later written by Ling Xiang in the book “Psychology That Good Mothers Know”. She used one word to describe this state: frequency modulation. “Adjust your frequency to be the same as your child, forget the role of parent, and simply enjoy the wonders of the world with him/her and enjoy the moment.”
  In her opinion, many parents seem to be accompanied by “living in the moment”, but in fact It is easy to fall into a misunderstanding.
  ”When some parents play games with their children, you can feel their anxiety: games cannot be simply’playing blindly’. It indicates whether children can become talents. Children must understand and learn certain skills or knowledge from games. , They are relieved.”
  In Ling Xiang’s tutoring group, a mother once shared two hand-made stickers: the same material, one is out of order, and the other is a beautiful bird. “Guess which is my daughter’s work?” she asked.
  Both of these paintings were made in the children’s stickers area of ​​the mall. The mother was in charge of the fight, and the two-year-old daughter decided how to do it. The two had discussions, cooperated in tacit understanding, and were very happy. Although the finished product looks messy to adults, it is the normal level of a two-year-old child.
  The atmosphere of the mother and daughter next to them is not very pleasant. The little girl is also more than two years old. Every step she does, her mother will guide her by her side, and she has to rework if she “posts it incorrectly”. Sometimes my mother is too impatient to see it, so she can do it herself. “They finally got a beautiful bird painting, but the girl was unhappy during the whole process.” The mother in the tutoring group recalled.

  The company of “excessive force”, in fact, both adults and children are very tired. And the more efficient the company, the more relaxed each other’s mentality, which is exactly the secret of “frequency modulation”.
  ”I have come into contact with many cases, and the problem lies in parent-child communication.” Ling Xiang gave an example. “There are some children whose parents can still control him when they are in elementary school, but they can’t control them at all after they reach junior high school. The children keep themselves in the room and do not go to school. Don’t go out, don’t communicate with your parents. Parents don’t know what he’s thinking or doing. They are even cautious and very anxious when talking to their children.”
  In her opinion, many parent-child communication problems are actually manifestations of parents and family problems. , This is not something that an adult can do with homework for a few hours a day and send various classes on weekends. Starting with the mode of getting along with the child, starting with changing the parents themselves, this path seems difficult, but in fact it is the most effective.
  ”Unfortunately, even if parents see their own problems, it is too difficult and painful to change themselves, so they want to take shortcuts subconsciously, and want to use external forces and tools to find a short course of treatment and quick results in their children. Use the spiritual method,” she said. Whether it is parent-child companionship or parent-child communication, the same applies.
Establish an exclusive sense of ceremony

  ”Someone asked me: Teacher Cai, what kind of father-son relationship do you most want to have? I replied that when the child reaches 18 years of age and puberty, we can still express our opinions on something peacefully together. For this Great prospects. I have taken my son to the bar to watch the World Cup when he was 12 years old. I squeezed a glass of beer in my hand and my son drank Coke.”
  As a father of a junior high school student, education scholar and parent-child writer Cai Chaoyang experienced The various stages of the baby. The above passage is what he shared in his new book “How do we become parents now”.

  ”Many children don’t like to chat with their parents anymore when they are in their teens. Friends of the same age will be more important. At this time, parents should know how to leave the field in time. Fortunately, the parent-child relationship that we cultivated when he was a child has already laid the foundation for communication. Everyone can still sit down and talk like adults on some interesting issues.”
  Cai Chaoyang feels that effective parent-child companionship does not depend on the length of time, and does not even require too many tricks and skills. “For example, you can accompany your children to watch the stars outside, hiking and climbing in the suburbs on weekends. Our hometown of Shaoxing has a rich water system, so I have a friend who takes his children to catch fish on the weekends, and the same goes for rainy days.”
  He observed Many parents are already very busy at work, but they always feel that they have given their children too little time, and even feel guilty for it. “In fact, it really doesn’t need to be like this. Even if it’s 996, you have at least one day left to give to your child. You can make an appointment with your child to do something together this Sunday. And you must keep your promises, and you must not be uncertain. Things are agreed first, and when changes are encountered, they are delayed for various reasons.”
  Once he establishes this kind of agreement and a sense of ritual with the child, he will look forward to the whole week. Even if the time of company with his parents is still limited, he will feel a sense of security in his heart, knowing that the world is trustworthy, and his parents do what they say. “For us adults, this is also a kind of cultivation and self-improvement.”
  In Cai Chaoyang’s opinion, adults always subconsciously think that they are “accompanying children” without realizing that this kind of company is two-way, and children also give us a good time.
  ”Some parents are often very impatient. They rarely have time to play games with their children. They will subconsciously instill educational ideas in them, hoping that the children can learn something; or like a coach, train them to master what skills and how long Get’technical improvement’ within.” In his view, these are all misunderstandings. The most important thing about parent-child companionship is to spend a happy time together, rather than reaching certain KPI assessment indicators.
Don’t be the topic terminator

  In Ling Xiang’s view, what parents need to practice most is to let go of their overly rational minds and use “heart” to get along with their children. Adults are used to being constrained by their inherent thinking patterns. Even when they get along with children, they have various “shoulds” and “must” in their minds. They forget that the emotional connection is what is really important, so it is difficult to enter the “frequency modulation”. Sentimental state.

  Is it familiar?
  Parents want to communicate more with their children, but they don’t know what to say, and sometimes they even directly become “topic terminator”. “Perhaps many people don’t have much experience of communicating with their parents and being accompanied by their hearts when they are young, so when they become parents, they often have more than enough energy.”

Cai Chaoyang is in contact with nature with his children. (Picture of Cai Chaoyang)

In the summer of 2020, Shaoxing Summer Camp will give lectures to children at the Wasteland Bookstore. (Picture of Cai Chaoyang)

Orange and Dad “build a nest” together. (Ling Xiangtu)


  ”More and more cases have shown that if children have problems such as being tired of
   studying , it is actually a problem in family communication or even the relationship between husband and wife. If the children’s deep-seated emotional needs are not met, the learning problem is just a sign. More energy tuition is in vain.”
  Ling Xiang has a small coup for this: grading and questioning. For example, in dialogue 1, she will continue to ask: “If you are very unhappy is 1 point, very very happy is 10 points, how happy are you today?”
  Orange once replied: 6 points.
  Ling Xiang was a little surprised at the time: The baby looked in a good mood, how could he get 6 points?
  Orange thought about it again: “Well… I went to a classmate’s house after school. I was very happy. I added 1 point, but I went to the tutoring class at night and lost 3 points.”
  It turned out to be like this. Next, the topic can be expanded, such as talking about why the tutoring class is unhappy, how to be happy, what things the child is interested in, and what are they resistant to.
  ”This kind of scoring questioning method not only helps you understand your child’s feelings, but also allows your child to learn to feel his own emotions and sort out his emotions in the process of thinking and scoring.”
  This questioning method can also be upgraded to 2.0 Version, for example, ask: What do you think can increase (decrease) the score by 1 point? This problem can further expand thinking and improve children’s problem-solving ability.
  For example, in Dialogue 2, Ling Xiang first asked: “If you are not tired at all, it is 1 point, and if you are extremely tired, it is 10 points. What is your point?”
  Orange stuck out his tongue: 5 points. (He discovered that the original was not tired so exaggerated.)
  Ling think then he asked: “What do you think, can make a further reduction of 1 degree tired divided?”
  Oranges thought:. “I do not know,”
  then , They thought of a way together: take a hot bath? Massage massage?
  After the thought is opened, it becomes a brain-opening game, a warm and fun parent-child time.
  More unexpectedly, the oranges also learned this technique. For a few days, Ling thought about back pain and stayed in bed. Every morning, Orange would worry about asking: “Mom, if it hurts very much, it’s 1 point, if it doesn’t hurt at all, it’s 10 points. What’s your point today?” The answer changed day by day: 5 points, 6 points, 7 points, 7.5 points… he will know that his mother is getting better every day.

The correct way to open for summer vacation

  Anthropologist Xiang Biao once talked about the phenomenon of “disappearance in the neighborhood” in the talk show “Thirteen Invitations”: When modern society is gradually Internetized, people’s interest in the surrounding world disappears, and the relationship between people is also Become loose. From this, Cai Chaoyang thought that for the children, the “community” gradually disappeared.
  ”When we were young, we had a lot of friends of the same age playing together, and friends can provide a lot of emotional support. However, now, especially in big cities, we don’t even know our neighbors. After class, all the children are busy with homework, In hobby classes, there are few good friends who get along day and night, and the children are very lonely.”
  For the current one-size-fits-all ban, he felt that although it was somewhat arbitrary, at least objectively, it gave the children to go back to the outdoors and back to the university. Opportunity in nature.
  According to the statistics of the National Health Commission, the myopia rate of children and adolescents in my country in 2020 is 52.7%, of which 35.6% of elementary school students and 71.1% of junior high school students. The overweight and obesity rate of children and adolescents aged 6-17 is also close to 20%.
  ”What is the most important thing to prevent and improve myopia? Sunshine. Obesity? Exercise. Go to the park, seaside, grassland, forest, countryside… This is the correct way to open the summer vacation.” Cai Chaoyang always thinks of a movie, called “Summer of Kikujiro”: Two people, one big and one small, wandering around, gaining pure happiness in the sunflowers, potato leaves, the blurred summer breeze, and the noisy ocean waves. That summer is beautiful.
  Ling Xiang is conceiving the next book, and he wants to discuss the motivation of children in learning. “More and more cases have shown that if children have problems such as being tired of studying, it is actually a problem in family communication or even the relationship between husband and wife. If the children’s deep-seated emotional needs are not met, the learning problem is just a sign. More energy tuition is futile.”
  In her view, the child’s attachment to his parents is very short, so take the opportunity. “When I went out before, Orange would always ask: Mom, when are you coming back? Very reluctant. Now he still asks, but the connotation has changed. I hope you come back later and he has more free time.” Ling Want to jokingly.
  ”Be sure to lay down the emotional foundation of communication while the child is still attached to you, and be able to catch his words when chatting. In the future, if there is a problem in adolescence, it will be much less difficult to solve it. When the child was young, you were lazy. I may have to double back in the future.”
  Effective companionship is not as difficult as imagined. The key is whether the adults are willing to use their brains and whether they have a childlike innocence to play with the children. “For example, when Orange was young, his favorite thing was to catch people blindfolded: adults wear blindfolds and touch everywhere, he hides all over the house, giggling and jumping up and down, can play until exhaustion; there is also a treasure game: in I hide a small piece of paper at home with clues written on it, and guide you to find a certain sentence in which book on the shelf of the bookshelf, and then find the next clue based on it. Just search the whole house until you find the’treasure’… “For
  another example, when you encounter the boring moments of long-distance bus rides or waiting for seats, “You can also try to play some language games, such as word solitaire, or’is it right’ game: one person thinks about something in his heart, and the other person asks questions Guess, the answer can only be’yes’ or’no’. This not only exercises language skills, but is also very interesting, and can be played for a long time.”
  Such tricks can be found in a search on the Internet. In Ling Xiang’s view, what children are fighting for today is not material conditions, but the vision, pattern, and mentality of their parents. Parents understand that by becoming an interesting person first, they can let go of anxiety and make the parent-child relationship more harmonious.
  ”Even if you are not good at playing games and watching a few movies with your children, you can also create many common topics. For example, “Bottom Hot Girl”, “Popular”, “Teacher Hiccup”, “The Man on the Sofa”, etc., are all very good. Yes.” Cai Chaoyang recommended.
  He still remembers the scene when he organized more than 10 children to dive in Sabah in early 2017. “The first lesson of the diving class is a theory class. The first sentence of the Chinese coach is: Diving is an experience, not a competition.”
  Isn’t life like that?