Listening is not just about listening with your ears, but also putting your work aside, looking at the other person, keeping your eyes aligned, keeping a safe distance, and following the other person’s rhythm, so that you can truly hear the other person.
After reading the taboo about listening in the last issue, many readers said that they made many mistakes. It’s just that now I know that these can’t be done, but I don’t know what to do. That’s what I’m going to share with you today—the right way to listen.
Correct posture 1: put down work
Some people may be a little puzzled: what is the correct posture for listening, can’t you just put your ears on? Not really.
During consultation, I often hear some parents complain that when they speak, their children don’t listen at all. Not long ago, in my consultation room, a mother and son quarreled.
The mother said, “Mr. Bai, this child can’t communicate, because he doesn’t listen to me at all.” The
child immediately retorted: “Why didn’t I listen? If you say it there, I’ll be listening.”
Mom The child rolled his eyes and said, “Come on, you’re either staring at your phone or playing games, and you didn’t pay attention to what I said.”
Although the mother said it well, the child was not afraid: “I’m talking to you. Did you listen attentively?” Then he listed many hard evidences that his mother listened to herself while she was busy.
I thought that the conversation had progressed to this point, and the mother and the two were tied, but who knows, the child continued to send another “logical bullet” that was difficult to refute: “Let’s not talk about it, let’s just say that yesterday, grandma wanted to tell you. I have something to do, and as a result, you are washing vegetables and chopping garlic there. Why is it wrong for me to talk to my mother while you are working, and it is right to talk to your mother while you are doing what you are doing. Why? ”
Now, my mother is completely speechless.
You see, listening really doesn’t just have to be done with your ears, you have to pay attention. Of course, it’s not up to you to decide whether to use your heart or not. You have to use practical actions to prove that you really listen with your heart.
how to prove? Let go of the work at hand and listen. Only in this way, the person being listened to will feel that they are valued and respected, and will have the desire to continue to talk if their words are heard. Otherwise, you don’t like to listen to it, and you don’t really want to listen to it. If I keep talking, the communication will stop.
Correct posture 2: Look at each other
We often say that people have five senses: eyes see, ears hear, nose smell, mouth speak, and skin feel. Often these feelings do not exist in isolation.
May wish to do an experiment with me. Blindfold your eyes, then plug your ears and nose, then go eat a plate of your favorite dish, and guess what, will you still love it as much as you used to? It turned out to be difficult, because you can’t taste the richness of the food just by tasting it with your mouth.
Similarly, when the relationship between talking and listening is established, the connection between two people is not just a single channel such as you talk and I listen, we need other senses to promote the depth of listening, the talker is willing to talk more, and the listener is willing to hear More, communication and exchanges can progress better, and the relationship between the two sides will become closer.
That sense is the eye, the gaze—we look at each other and talk. Eye contact will let the other party intuitively feel the listener’s emotional response to him: oh, he is listening carefully; oh, he really listens and agrees with what I said; oh, he is encouraging me Go on and on…
about this, I’m particularly emotional. I am a consultant and often receive many visitors. Listening is a required course for the career of consultants. During this process, I could deeply feel the strong desire of the clients to be recognized and supported. They looked at me while talking, expecting a timely response. When I stare at them and make eye contact with them, they immediately express a particularly strong sense of satisfaction. The originally tired visitor seemed to have gained a lot of energy, and he mustered up the courage to continue to speak his mind.
This pose also applies to everyday listening, because no one does not desire to be seen and answered.
Correct posture 3: Consistent line of sight
Of course , looking at the other party is not random, but also the object and the method. This requires us to have an assessment of the listening object.
One client told me that he was particularly reluctant to talk to his mother because she looked straight at him, which made him feel particularly stressed. “Once I told her, Mom, I’m under a lot of pressure in exams, and my classmates can handle it well, but I just can’t do it. When I said this to my mom, she just looked at me so directly. Me. Although this made me feel that she valued me, I was already under a lot of pressure. As a result, she still sat there quietly and looked at me, which made me feel a very strong sense of shame, and I wanted to look for it immediately. Crack in the ground.”
Another common example. If your husband made a mistake and wants to admit it to you, he started tremblingly: “Wife, I want to tell you something…” If you stare at him at this time, and then say with a serious expression: “You talk about it. .” I guess he wouldn’t dare say it if he was killed.
So you see, when a person has feelings of inferiority, guilt, shame, etc., there will be some changes in the listening posture: we should not maintain visual contact with the narrator, but maintain consistency with his line of sight. For example, if he is looking at the ground, you can look at the ground with him; if he is looking at the sky, you can also look at the sky with him. At this time, he will feel that the listener is in line with his inner direction, it is easier to let go of his guard, and he is more willing to continue to talk.
Posture 2 and Posture 3 are all about vision, but with different emphasis. The former is about keeping eye contact with each other, and it is aimed at those who want to be cared for, respected, and seen. The latter is that we should keep the same line of sight with the other party, and it is aimed at those who have feelings of guilt, anxiety, and self-blame.
Correct posture four: keep a safe distance
Before sharing the fourth correct posture, let’s have a small interaction with everyone.
I believe that many people have the experience of riding the bus. Suppose the car isn’t particularly crowded, and you’re standing by a railing clutching the handlebars, and someone gradually moves over and stands very close to you. He didn’t touch you or make any eye contact with you during the process. How would you feel at this point? I believe that many people will feel a little uncomfortable, and even many people will become a little wary.
You may be wondering: why does this person make me so uncomfortable, just by standing close to me? This is the magic chemistry of distance in relationships, which is why there is talk of safe social distancing. The safe social distance between people is 1.2 meters. Everyone will feel that they are not far from each other or close to each other, and they will be more comfortable with each other.
Taking such a big bend is actually to illustrate that listening also requires a safe distance. Especially when the object of confidence has feelings of guilt and shame about what he wants to tell, the listener must keep a safe distance from him. When a person is particularly ashamed, the closer you are to him, the more likely he will have a sense of fear of being unobstructed, self-exposing, and being penetrated by others, thus feeling a strong sense of oppression, and talking will become very difficult. difficult. Even if it is difficult to express, the content of the talk is bound to be discounted.
So, are we keeping a safe distance of listening to everyone at all times? Are there any exceptions? Of course there is. There are two types of people who are more inclined to talk and listen intimately.
One type is children under the age of 10. They like to sit on their parents and talk, hold hands and pinch their faces.
One category is the elderly, who like to have more physical contact with their children, holding hands and snuggling. At this time, what people care about is not distance, but more of an intimate and warm emotional experience. Once, my husband and I went back to my in-laws’ house. The father-in-law is a soldier, and he is usually very dignified. As a result, that day, he and his husband chatted about the Qingming Festival, and he wanted to go to the grave, so he might need to do some preparations. As they talked, the two of them sat closer and closer, and finally leaned against each other tightly. I also saw my father-in-law holding my husband’s hand with one hand and stroking my husband’s back with the other hand. That scene was very warm.
Correct posture 5: Follow the rhythm
of a consultation, I suggested that the visitor communicate with his mother more. As a result, he said to me with some embarrassment: “Mr. Bai, to be honest, I don’t particularly like talking to my mother.”
I asked, “Why?”
He said, “Because my mother speaks very slowly, and the car is talking back and forth. It’s unbearable.”
I didn’t respond to him directly, but said to him: “Hey, you know what? Children around the age of three have a characteristic, that is, they like to listen to a story repeatedly. For example, the story of Little Red Riding Hood, A child can listen to it 200 or 300 times without getting bored. He can’t wait for his mother to tell it ten or twenty times every day. This is the characteristic of a child of this age. In the process of listening over and over again, he keeps feeling it. He is happy, and constantly fulfills some needs of his own psychological development.”
He was a little surprised: “Ah, is it?” He nodded and said, “Oh, it seems like this, I remember my mother said that I was like this when I was a child. Yes. Well, my daughter seems to have behaved like this.”
I smiled and said, “Look, when we were little, my mother could tell a story twenty times, or even a hundred times at our request. This is our rhythm. Now, my mother is old and talks a lot. Now, Che Kulu said back and forth. In fact, this is also her rhythm. For her, some emotions may not be clearly expressed, and some things may not be clearly explained, all of which are just nagging and repeating. In the process of recovery, I was gradually released. When I was a child, my mother followed our rhythm; now, we have to learn to follow my mother’s rhythm. Do you think so?”
He smiled and nodded.
As listeners, we must learn to listen at the rhythm of the narrator, rather than letting the narrator speak according to our habitual listening rhythm.
Remember the three listening taboos shared in the last issue, master the above five correct listening postures, and I believe you will become a very good listener.