The “sensible” Miss K has been suffering from anxiety recently, and her intimate relationship has not been smooth.
She tried her best to give and forbear in every relationship, but in exchange for the other party complaining that she “did it”, saying that it was tiring to be with her. Miss K is very sensible in love, never troubles the other party, and thinks about the other party in everything. When the other party asked her what she wanted to eat, she would say, “I’m fine, I’ll watch you.” When the other party asked her what movie she wanted to watch, she would say, “Whatever you want to watch.” The other party asked her what she wanted. For birthday gifts, she would say: “It’s fine, I like everything you give.”
Occasionally, she will try to express her needs, such as: “You can pick me up if you drop by, and forget it if you don’t.” If the other party promises to pick her up and suddenly breaks the appointment, Miss K will sensible to find the other party down the steps: “It doesn’t matter, I just have to work overtime suddenly, you can rest assured and busy with the things at hand.”
However, behind the sensible is grievance and loneliness , Miss K felt that she was so accommodating to the other party, but the other party ignored her own feelings and often couldn’t help crying and accusing the other party. The other party always felt very wronged – “Just say what you want, how would I know if you don’t tell me?” But Miss K felt – “Is it necessary for me to say this? Don’t you even understand this?” Repeatedly, The other party felt that she was too “pretentious” and was very tired to be with her. And whenever Miss K felt that there was a problem with her intimacy, she would take the lead in breaking up. Although he said it very decisively, in his heart he hoped that the other party would keep him, but every time the other party took it seriously.
Miss K knew that there was something wrong with her mode of expression, and she should speak her true thoughts. But always hesitant to say anything, or said the opposite as soon as he opened his mouth. In fact, this is the fault of the anxious personality. They habitually please others, try to figure out other people’s thoughts, and cater to their needs, but they always turn a blind eye to their own inner thoughts. Over time, the unsatisfied subconscious desires conflict with the expressed needs, resulting in anxiety. Like most people, Miss K is trapped in a mental pattern she has developed over the years and is afraid to change.
Social psychology calls this phenomenon “learned helplessness”. American psychologist Salley conducted an experiment in 1967 in which he kept a dog in a cage and applied an electric shock as long as the buzzer sounded. At first the dog tried to escape and resist, running wild in the cage. But after many experiments, the dog knew that it couldn’t get out of the cage and would not run. As long as the buzzer sounded, it lay on the ground and whined. Later, the experimenter opened the cage door and pressed the buzzer, and the dog stayed where he was, and began to whine without waiting for the electric shock. Why is this so? Because the setbacks for too long in the past let them know that it is futile to resist and escape, and all they can do is stay in place and suffer. Even when given the chance, they give up their efforts, and the shadows of the past have plunged them into a state of deep helplessness and incapacity.
For “sensible” people like Miss K, their helplessness often comes from their childhood growth environment or past emotional experiences.
Miss K was brought up by her grandmother. My grandmother is an intellectual woman and pays attention to tutoring. Since she was a child, her grandmother told her, “Children from intellectual families like us must know the rules and not be like those wild children who have no family education. Those wild children always ask adults for this and that. You can’t ask for anything, you should give it to you. Your adults will naturally give you, and it is useless to ask for what should not be given to you. You have to be sensible and don’t cause trouble for adults. Grandma has a hard time taking care of you when she is old. If you are not good, I will send you to you. Grandma’s house. Your grandma prioritizes sons over daughters, and you have a good life without you!”
Miss K has been the most obedient and obedient since she was a child, and her grandmother loved her the most among her grandchildren. Because of this, Miss K has such an impression in her heart that as long as she doesn’t cause trouble to adults, she can get more love; and if she is “unbehaved”, she will be abandoned. In the process of growing up, she has been trying to suppress her own needs, not expressing her own requirements, and living carefully.
Then, in intimate relationships, she repeats this pattern. But with depression is often accompanied by psychological imbalance. When she keeps forbearing and doesn’t get the love she wants, Ms. K’s grievances can’t help but break out and evolve into follow-up “actions”, making her partner feel inexplicable and unprepared. In the long run, not only is the intimacy threatened, Miss K is also plagued by anxiety.
To alleviate this anxiety, you need to change the mode of getting along with people, express your thoughts truthfully, and try to ask the other party instead of passively waiting for the other party to give. Say to yourself: “I don’t need to be so ‘sensible’ to gain love.” Use your true self to find a partner who is willing to accept your “true self”.
