Learn nonviolent communication

  There is a sentence in “The Villa of Desire”, which is impressive: “A soft tongue can break a person’s bones, and language can hurt people more than violence.” Indeed, language is sometimes as sharp as a knife. At work, you may have heard: “You can’t do anything well, what else can you do?” In life, someone said to the other half: “You are so useless, it is really unlucky to be with you.” Say to your child: “You are too stupid, what will you do in the future.” This is violent communication.
  Generally speaking, violent communication has the following four situations:
  The first type: moral judgment. Many times, we are judging others by our own values. For example, some elders, from their own point of view, say that a certain person is almost forty years old and has not yet married, which is a failure. Some people like to live a simpler life, quit their stable jobs, and do freelance work, but others will say that they are not motivated. Everyone has their own needs, and for him, pursuing a career is more meaningful than getting married at this stage of his life. For him, traveling between cities makes him feel tired, and he feels happier living a simple life. you are not a fish, how to know the joy of fish. Therefore, the ruler of moral judgment can only be used to measure oneself, not others. Let alone stand on the moral high ground and criticize others.
  The second way: to compare. The reason people feel unhappy is because they compare themselves with others. In real life, some people always talk about “other people’s children”, “other people’s husbands” and “other people’s wives”. When he made the comparison, he didn’t think there was anything wrong with him, and he thought complacently that he was stimulating the other party’s progress. As everyone knows, comparison will hurt the self-esteem of others. In fact, all contrasts and impulses come from the unclear cognition of self-needs.
  The third type: shirking responsibility. This kind of situation is very common. For example, managers are a link between the past and the future, and need to translate the company’s strategy into the goals of employees. But he only acts as a mouthpiece, always saying “the company’s regulations” and “the leaders above say”. This is to shirk responsibility and shift the conflict, and “inaction” is also a kind of violent communication.
  The fourth type: imposing on others. Many people like to impose their own ideas on others, and always want others to obey themselves. For example, in the persuasion culture in the East Asian cultural circle, drinkers threaten others, saying that if you don’t drink, you will not give me face. This is the difficulty of the strong. The reason for this is mainly due to the lack of empathy, the lack of empathy, and the inclination to do to others what one does not want.
  The above four violent communication styles are destroying our relationships.
  Violent communication is not advisable, so how to communicate with others? Dr. Marshall Luxemburg, author of “Nonviolent Communication”, proposed a universal formula: Nonviolent Communication = I observe + I feel + I need + I ask. This is also the method we often use when conducting performance interviews and reviewing with subordinates.
  Observed. It is based on facts, and what you describe is an objective fact. When many people communicate, they always express anger instead of expressing anger. When you’re not objective, it becomes pointless emotional catharsis. For example, Xiao Wang is a salesperson, and you tell Xiao Wang that you are a poor salesman. Not only will Xiao Wang not accept it, he may even want to beat you. And you said, Xiao Wang did not produce any performance this month. He will admit it, because it is an objective fact.
  feel. If you have something to say, no matter how difficult it is, you have to say it face to face, and you can talk about your feelings with the facts. The fundamental purpose of our communication with people is not to blame others, the core is to solve the problem, so please speak out your demands frankly.
  Make a request. Not a request, but a request. Asking is distasteful, but asking is endearing. But your request should be specific, clear and positive, and you must not let people listen to it in a cloud and have no idea what you are talking about and what you need.
  Through non-violent communication, the sender of information can clearly express his feelings and desires through his own observation, while the recipient of the information will not resist. As long as he himself is rational, he can look in the mirror through others and find his own problem, and thus change the self.
  It is normal for people to have conflicts, but it is necessary to use a good way to move towards harmony in the conflicts, rather than going to collapse through violent communication.