I turn backwards

  There are several different versions of Paz’s “Street” translated by famous writers, but I love the translation by a writer friend: “Where I go, he goes too/I stop, he stops too/I turn backwards/there is no one.” There is another sentence, the original is “where I pursue a man who stumbles/and rises and says when he sees me: nobody”. One famous writer translates it as, “Where I pursue a man who stumbles/and rises and says when he sees me: nobody.” This translation, of course, is faithful to the original work, but compared to the lightness and thinness of “nobody”, the phrase “no one” is more like a heavy hammer, with a tenth of the force, pounded in the most subtle part of the mind, smashing out a thousand loneliness.
  The radio was on at 6 p.m., and all the channels were playing the joy of getting off work, as if I could step into my home in the next second, but I somehow remembered the person who went out. “The man who opens the door does not arrive, and goes out to pick the red lotus.” It is because of this line that I like the “West Island Song”. Compared to the lines of “hanging hands as bright as jade” and “sea water shaking empty green”, this line is not even a white description, it is simply a summary of the main action. But I just like it, because I think it has a profound meaning. When I saw the following sentence, which is similar to the one below, “I remembered that Lang Lang did not arrive, and looked up to see the flying Hong”, my mood was just as muddy as the country road where it had rained for two weeks in a row.
  If you were that woman, “a single shirt with apricot red, two sideburns with crows”, you were in your prime, running happily to the door – why did you go to the door? I think I heard a knocking sound. Who was knocking at the door? There was no one there (much less him).
  But you don’t want to be seen to have misjudged, do you? Because this misjudgment means unspoken longing, unrequited loneliness. You don’t want your loneliness to be seen, so you open the door and go out. What do you do when you go out? You turn back with a smile and continue to look cheerful, wink, and reply mischievously, “I’m going to pick red lotuses.”
  But you didn’t want to pick red lotuses! So when you look down to get the lotus seeds, the lotus seeds are him; when you pick the lotus flowers with your hands, the lotus flowers are also him. Everything is like a poem, those who love see love, those who are lost see lost, those who are happy see happy, and those who are lonely, of course, see the overwhelming loneliness that cannot be avoided. So you look up, look at the flying hong. Not because there are jinshu in the clouds, but to make yourself look as if nothing is wrong, look like you don’t care, look dashing enough …… However, every flower and every cloud is saying that at this moment, you look up, just because you are afraid of tears falling down, right? Because the secrets of the sky and the secrets of the heart are connected, so, only look at the sky, not open the mouth. Lest one opens his mouth, it is the void.
  I told more than one person about this poem. They asked me, “Why do you like this line? What is so good about this line?” When they got to the third line, I suddenly became discouraged and didn’t want to speak, for fear that if I opened my mouth, my small thoughts would also become empty.
  It turns out that the thousand lonelinesses could be smacked out because there were already a thousand lonelinesses in my heart. Loneliness is probably the most useless thing in the world, but you will always be full of it at some stage of your life. Loneliness is a destiny that everyone can’t get rid of, “it’s the silent suffix of our lives”, said the writer.
  That’s why we always turn around backwards. We want to remove it, or fill it. But there is no one behind us, only loneliness like flowing water – say, can’t say; stop, can’t stop.