Many of us do not know how to better handle and resolve conflicts in our lives. In this respect, we are sometimes even like children, especially prone to let primitive impulses rule our reason. Why are we prone to conflict? How can we resolve and avoid conflicts in our lives?
Recently I saw a story on Zhihu (Chinese Internet Q&A community platform): “A child made an agreement with his parents that if he succeeded in getting into a certain university, his parents would reward him with 30,000 yuan. As a result, he succeeded When he passed the exam, his parents regretted it and said that the money was given to him as living expenses. He was instantly angry and couldn’t control his emotions. So I slapped him. As a result, the child slammed out of the door.”
From this story, we can find that many of us do not know how to better handle and resolve conflicts in our lives. In this respect, we are sometimes even like children, especially prone to let primitive impulses rule our reason.
Why Conflict Occurs Conflicts in
life can be roughly divided into two types: healthy conflicts and unhealthy conflicts.
The former refers to: both sides have their own positions and goals to defend, and the purpose of the conflict is to persuade the other party to achieve their goals, not to gain the upper hand.
The latter refers to the fact that the scope of the conflict has gone beyond what is necessary, and the two sides have evolved to “sniff for breath” rather than focusing on the matter and the problem itself.
The former is generally called “argument”, while the latter is a conflict in the general sense.
How to distinguish between the two? One of the easiest ways is what we often say “right things are not people”. Once the focus of the debate starts to drift away from the immediate issue, it becomes a personal attack, turning over old accounts, making excuses, or using apparently unreasonable logic to quibble, it becomes “to people and not to things”, and also From controversy to conflict.
So why does conflict arise? Why is it that even trivial matters can easily evolve into “doesn’t matter to people”?
The core reason is that both sides of the conflict have a mentality to some extent: you make me uncomfortable, so I must not make you feel better. This mentality is called the “reciprocal revenge mentality”.
Driven by this mentality, it is easy for us to react like this: You made me feel uncomfortable, and this is my loss. If the whole thing goes like this, then I’m at a loss. In order not to suffer losses, you must give me equal compensation. Either, give me a step, let me feel “I won”, so as to restore some dignity; or, you must also experience the same “uncomfortable” as me, feel my feelings, and gain an equal loss to me , so I feel fair.
All in all, a reciprocal revenge mentality has one result: in an argument, we gradually shift our focus from the focus and the problem itself to another thing: I want to win, not lose.
This is the source of conflict. In many cases, conflict is not about right or wrong, but about winning or losing.
How to avoid unnecessary conflicts
After understanding the principle of conflict, how can we avoid unnecessary conflicts as much as possible?
Maintaining a Well-Maintained Discussion Pattern Make a few points clear during the discussion.
Spotlight: What are the things that divide us?
Goal: By arguing, what do I want the other person to do?
Progress: After our debates, on which issues have we reached consensus and on which issues have we disagreed?
Then, monitor your emotional and mental state at all times during the discussion. An effective technique is: when discussing, take the practice of “self-distraction” – let yourself raise your perspective, imagine that you are not the party now, and view the argument between the two people from the perspective of a third party. This can effectively help you avoid emotional distress and avoid falling into emotional out-of-control.
Maintain a transparent communication attitude What is a transparent communication attitude? It’s “speaking straight”. Say what’s on your mind and let the other person understand your thoughts to the best of your ability. Instead of finding other reasons to prevaricate, or get angry and say something that may hurt the other party.
Taking the example at the beginning of the article as an example, the child tells the parents frankly: If you do this, it will destroy my trust in you, which will make me afraid to trust your promises in the future.
A better communication attitude for parents is to tell their children frankly: We are not unwilling to give you money, but we are worried that you will spend all your money on games. Instead of using a “I’m for your own good” attitude, to be above the child.
Once the two sides can explain their ideas clearly, it is bound to find a way that both parties can accept, so that the problem can be solved, or at least alleviated. Instead of pushing the problem to the other extreme, causing misunderstanding or even resentment.
Begin with the end and treat each other as equals What is the beginning with the end in mind? It is to ask clearly the needs of the other party, clarify what the other party wants, and then start from the needs, take the needs as the goal, and achieve the needs of both parties through communication.
What is equal treatment? It is to not impose our own ideas and opinions on the other party, and accept that the other party can have his own ideas, preferences, and positions. What we need to do is to exchange opinions, not to force consensus.
Simply put, when discussing, ask these three questions: What are your needs? What do you want me to do? How do you see and understand my opinion?
Do these things well and you can avoid most conflicts and contradictions in your life.
