Which love partner did you meet? What is thinking in the lover’s heart? How do you deal with him… These puzzles are like the Da Vinci code, which must often haunt you in your relationship. The “Bright Eyes to Recognize People” column teaches you how to recognize and recognize people. A lecture every month to help you become a love expert and a master of marriage management.
In the TV series “I really want to fall in love”, the heroine Tan Ailin said that since I met Wu Yuefeng, this love is like fog and rain and wind: closer, he instinctively stays away; shrink a little, he He took the initiative to stick again…Tan Irene can’t figure it out, does this man love himself or not?
Coincidentally, in my recent emotional counseling work, a similar case appeared: Xiaoyue and her boyfriend who had been in love for a year have just married, but recently discovered that the newly married husband has become more and more serious about her. , Like dancing tango: she enters, he retreats; she retreats, he enters again. When they were in love, they were in a different place, and it was justified. After living together, she couldn’t bear this kind of indifference close at hand, and she was uncomfortable. Xiaoyue sometimes even wondered, did her husband have an affair?
In fact, it is possible that they have encountered a man who has “fear of intimacy”, and such emotional barriers exist in both men and women, and involve not only romantic relationships, but also friendship and other social relationships.
Intimacy fear may be related to the original family. A good friend of mine is a native of a coastal province, where machismo is rampant in the township. Women in the hometown are generally low in family status. Mothers who lack respect and care in family relationships can easily place their strong feelings on their sons. This kind of mother-child relationship is deformed and strong. The mother’s love is full of expectation, control, and resentment. When the child grows up, he will have contradictory views on the heterosexual relationship. On the one hand, he yearns for attachment; on the other hand, he also Fear of the control brought by attachment, fear of being burned by love.
The fear of intimacy is also related to the growing self-awareness of modern people. My ex-colleague Xin Xin moved his daily necessities to his boyfriend’s house little by little when he was living with her boyfriend. In her opinion, it is not normal for the ants to move house sooner or later if they are going to live together one day? But the more she moved, the more entangled her boyfriend. One person becomes accustomed to being alone, forming a relatively firm self-boundary, and another person’s long drive can only bring panic. In the end, her boyfriend chose to flee and packaged her belongings and sent them back.
People with “fear of intimacy” are not uncommon in life. They are often excellent and charming, but they cannot give you sweet and secure love. From what aspects should we judge?
1. Living alone but don’t like to invite people to the house. House is his normal state, it is his liking alone, he likes to furnish everything in his own way, and hates others to step into his territory. If you touch his personal belongings without consent or visit suddenly without permission, he will feel very disgusted.
2. When you are in love, don’t open your heart to others easily. Regardless of joy or sorrow, you can hardly see him laughing or showing his innocence. He lives like a mask.
3. Very sensitive to dependence and control in intimate relationships. If you make some demands on him or want him to act your way, his first reaction is to get angry, and his second reaction is to flee.
4. The marriage relationship between parents is often not harmonious. His original family may be divorced, alienated, or indifferent. When you go to his home, you can obviously feel that everyone is polite on the surface, but they just can’t fit into it.
5. Don’t invest a lot in the relationship, always observe your degree of investment, and then measure how much you should invest. Because he is afraid of being hurt, afraid of taking the initiative to give, he likes to take one step at a time in his relationship.
6. Once you show some dissatisfaction and grievance, you will feel pressured. He constantly blames himself because he feels that his performance hurts you, and at the same time uses this possibility to escape further intimacy.
Of course, meeting someone with “intimacy fear” is not that there is no other way but to break up. Under my suggestion, the visitor Xiaoyue began to realize that her husband is a man with a very strong sense of self-boundary. She first tried to understand where her husband’s boundaries were, and then improved communication and contact with him outside the boundaries to protect his Comfort zone, and then through her gentleness and tolerance, let her husband slowly give up some boundaries and accommodate her in her own boundaries. Although they are a couple living under the same roof, only when their hearts are close together can they be truly close.
Facing a lover with “intimacy fear”, consultation and patience are needed. Don’t easily impose the death penalty on “fear of intimacy”. After all, people who fear intimacy are actually afraid of being hurt. Only with tolerance and understanding can he warm up his overly self-protective heart, and once he decides to truly accept you, you will become his truly intimate person.
