There is always confusion on the road to youth, and sometimes it is inevitable that they will fall into the “trap” of friendship, and take pains to please the other party, but can’t get a little true return. In order to integrate into the dormitory, I want to bear the dirtiest and most tiring work, give up my self in a low voice in order to win friends, and endure the humiliation and dare not be angry in order to be recognized by others…
In fact, if people cannot stand on the level of equality and respect between people, the balance of friendship will eventually be tilted and unbalanced. The “good old man” is called by psychologists as “pleasant personality”, “virgin personality” and “pleasant personality”. His inner monologue is: I am not good enough to be loved, because I can’t get the attention and love of others, so I have to meet the needs and expectations of others without a bottom line.
How is the pleasing personality formed? The pattern that each of us presents when interacting with the outside world is the epitome of the parent-child relationship of the original family, so the formation of the ingratiating personality is closely related to the parenting style of our parents when we were young. If a child encounters parents who are inviting personality, then subconsciously enters the idea of ingratiating, and the mode of ingratiating communication is trained in such a family environment. Therefore, once conflicts are encountered in life, this coping mode is Will appear naturally.
People who have experienced psychological trauma in their growth are also prone to develop a pleasing personality. For example, when we were young, being isolated by our peers, betrayed by good friends, abandoned by our parents, etc., these unforgettable experiences can make us overly sensitive to interpersonal relationships, always use the mood of others as the weather vane, suffer from gains and losses, and then constantly lower our self-esteem to win the favor of others. .
People with pleasing personality will also not get the psychological compensation as expected after repressing themselves again and again, on the contrary, they will plunge themselves into deeper despair. When there is such a clear awareness, it is the best time to change. Let us try the following methods together, I believe there will be different psychological feelings.
Be aware of yourself and implant brave ideas
When we interact with people, if we need to suppress our inner grievances, anger, fear and other emotions in exchange for the attention and approval of others, we should be soberly aware that there is a kind of pleasing psychology hidden within ourselves.
At this time, you can try to find a quiet place, with peace of mind, with your own true thoughts as the axis, put aside distracting thoughts, and be aware of the true needs of your heart. There are no other people’s opinions or prejudices here. I use my mind to feel myself in the real state over and over again, to see the depression and discomfort in my heart, and bravely say “no” to compromise. Continue to imagine the following scenario: We can confidently integrate into the group, express our opinions and feelings frankly in the crowd, and even cope with various scenarios freely and generously. Repeating these positive thoughts and meditations can bring us invisible energy. We must accumulate these energies, integrate into our lives, open up a new interpersonal model, and show our true, independent, and courageous selves.
Change cognition and remove the “good old man” personality
The reason why the pleaser is willing to compromise to the other party in many cases is because of the deviation in perception. It is expected that the person he pleases will be able to reward him for his kindness, and achieve the principle of reciprocity, that is: “I treat you so much. Okay, you should treat me well too!” It is also this wrong perception that makes the pleasers invest too much “sunk cost”, which makes the effort and please be trampled on again and again, and get involved in a huge crisis vortex. .
In fact, whether others will reciprocate our goodness is not under our own control. We need to change our wrong perceptions, remove the mask of good people, and not bend down for cheap “reward”, even if it is to show the most unbearable side of our life, we don’t have to worry about the collapse of the human set and say different things against our will. . Letting go of your burdens and moving forward with ease is the correct way to open your true self.
Strengthen borders and set up psychological protection lines
A truly harmonious friendship is built on the basis of equality and mutual respect. The reason why the pleasers get hurt is that they do not establish the necessary interpersonal boundaries, but constantly break through their own bottom lines and principles to give and make themselves exhausted. Exhausted. Without holding the shield of self-protection, you will be invaded and interfered again and again, and your heart will be broken.
The establishment of interpersonal boundaries must be clear: I am me, you are you, I have my personality and ideas, and you have your feelings and needs. I am responsible for those within my borders; I don’t care about those outside my borders and don’t impose them on me. Reluctant to “plastic friendship”, how can we select the best friends. True friendship will continue to accumulate energy in equal interaction, without sacrificing one party in exchange for it.
Accept yourself and enhance core competitiveness
Everyone has their own shortcomings and strengths. Focus on their own advantages, use the energy of life on themselves, recognize themselves from the inside out, support themselves, and nourish themselves, so that the heart will be filled. Get up, life will be more fulfilled and prosperous. Only oneself is one’s own savior, no one is strong for us, only oneself pays for life.
1. Connect with oneself internally, build a fertile soil for the soul from the inside
The hollowness of the pleasing personality is because he neglects his inner perception too much. When we cannot feel love, value, existence, and belonging, we will feel emptiness and lack in our hearts, and we will be eager to draw affirmation and appreciation from the outside world to fill the void in our hearts. But the facts have proved that the sense of fullness gained in this way is fleeting, and even the gains outweigh the losses and the losses are even more.
The strength of a person’s heart comes from self-affirmation. Any behavior to please others is meaningless and will only increase sorrow. Reverse the weather vane of emotions in time, shift the focus from pleasing others to loving oneself, shifting attention to external praise to inner self-affirmation, connecting with inner feelings, and building a fertile soil for self-esteem, self-love, and self-sufficiency. Love It will take root and nourish life.
2. Expand living space and enhance the sense of control of life
Start with small things with a strong sense of self-efficacy to improve your sense of control. We can develop a hobby, learn a new skill, do something we are good at, make a reading plan, and so on. Earnestly experience every joy that life brings to us, experience every bit of achievement after hard work, carefully listen to every feeling in my heart, let a full life occupy every lonely moment of oneself, one day, all Everything will return to his control. Accumulate thick and thin, open up the energy network, and personally build your own life space.
3. Learn to express feelings, let deliberate practice to witness
Long-term depression will make us lose the courage and ability to express. To crack the pleasing plot, we must learn to express our inner voice boldly. We can start from a small area, try to walk into the crowd, gradually overcome our inner fears, and bravely express our true thoughts. You may be nervous and uncomfortable at first, but you must insist on being neither humble nor overbearing. Finally, we must reach the level of being able to bravely express our thoughts in front of people who habitually ask us, habitually degrade us, and often instruct us. With constant and deliberate practice, we will find that expressing ourselves truly does not cause any catastrophic consequences. Even if the other party reacts angry, it is also a normal phenomenon in interpersonal communication. The brave are never fearless, but insist on doing it even if they are afraid.
Life is a long one. Instead of spending energy on others, it is better to leave time to add value to yourself and enhance your core competitiveness. When our thoughts are independent enough and we believe in ourselves enough, we will use our strength to support our friendship world and bring it to a balanced state. This is the correct way to open up interpersonal communication.