Life

Reflections on Change, Transition and Growing Up After Completing the College Entrance Exams

  For me, the college entrance examination is a dream, a real and lonely dream.
  I took the college entrance examination in the first year of the epidemic. I finished the English test on July 8. After walking out of the examination room, I saw familiar people filing out of various classrooms, crowded in the corridors, and forming a stream at the exit below the teaching building. , spreading towards the originally empty school gate. I stopped in the corridor of the examination room, as if I had been pierced by a void force. I had no strength to take the next step. The morning light pen with “Gold List Title” printed on it was still in my hand. When I spread it out, it was already stained with strands of blood. Sweat marks. The blue sky, white clouds, sunshine, tree shade, and breeze have all remained unchanged compared to yesterday. I noticed that a certain kind of grandeur was being dissolved by the concrete life. I was the one who was in a hurry before, but now I see pedestrians in a hurry. The nearby leaves swayed, blocking the sun light years away. Although the sun is inseparable from me, the leaves belong to me.
  I thought I would be successful after the college entrance examination. In fact, I was just an adult.
  After the college entrance examination, it means leaving, leaving a certain emotion, a certain stage, a certain period of life, and a certain certainty that has been adhered to for a long time. It’s like waking up from a dream, and seeing the surging river disappearing from the waves, flowing quietly like a stream, with a ding-ding-dong-dong sound that is ethereal.
  I saw a little boy with a short haircut, by the river pond at the end of the village, with his thin arms bare and large slippers that did not match his feet. He lowered his center of gravity and threw a flat stone with all his strength. The pebbles floated on the river and made several splashes. Now, I stepped on the last splash. The pebble has sunk, and I can no longer rely on the strength I had at that time to bear the burden of my future life.
  At that moment, I realized what loneliness is. Loneliness is not just the definition of “alone” in the Xinhua Dictionary, it is a feeling of being caught off guard. The street lights on campus, the benches next to the artificial lake, the rust stains next to the pool, and the contrasting red and green playgrounds, these environments are obviously different. It was normal, but I suddenly felt refreshed even though I had done nothing. After the refresh, there was nothing new. It was like the sudden transition between dream and reality in a movie. I suddenly realized that I had become a guest of the world.
  Standing at the overcrowded school gate, I felt extremely empty. The crowds were distributed on both sides of the fence. Men and women, with different postures. Their eagerness was the outline of their expressions. During the few seconds I looked around, there was a policeman with his head lowered. I switched pages on my phone. A mother lifted up her sweat-soaked hair. A woman wearing high heels stepped on a stone and almost fell. A man raised his hand to look at a silver-white mechanical wrist. Watch, a mother touched the key in her pocket, and then breathed a sigh of relief as if scared. Someone’s younger brother wiped the sweat from his forehead, and the roadside stall set up a chopping board against the sun.
  The moving figures of these people were reflected in my eyes, and the movements seemed to be in slow motion. My eyes were bulging, like a ball of soft fireworks wrapped in petals. Some of the thoughts you had buried in your heart finally sprouted like bamboo shoots. Pop up and thrive in a very short time.
  The sleepy eyes when I wake up every morning, the sweet nap after reading in the morning, and those people who accompany me for a walk in the gap of time. I suddenly realize the sense of determination contained in the word “luo luo luo”. An emotion that I had no time to take into consideration surged shallowly in my chest, like gradually melting solid glue. It was sticky and heavy, constantly pulling at the dusty past. A heavy feeling of loneliness bubbled out bit by bit, like ice cream. There are little drops of water on the body. Suddenly a drop of water fell. It turned out that the sun was dazzling and I was sweating profusely.
  After a brief period of emptiness, I casually got on a bus traveling on Sunset Boulevard. From the setting sun to the neon lights, I briefly jumped out of my previous life circle and looked at the world and the city. This is where I have lived for eighteen years. Here, I have laughed countless times, but I have to leave it eventually, but it is here, and it never deliberately stays. I thought I would not miss it, but I can’t help but look back before the train starts.
  The place you want to escape from is ultimately the place that makes you miss it, not crying loudly, but just feeling confused for a moment, your eyes suddenly empty, and your mood ups and downs like driving on a bumpy gravel road. After finishing the dream of college entrance examination, I found that I had grown taller, my arms were no longer so slender, my arms were no longer so weak, and my shoulders were no longer thin and narrow. I woke up, cleared my mind, and found that the pen had been wiped by me. I dried it with sweat and put it in my pocket. I coughed, took a few steps, and found that I was actually walking on another string of water floats that I had just created.

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