In less than a month, 2023 is over.
I wonder if you have noticed that “transshipment” has suddenly become a keyword on major search lists this year.
I understand this need very well, and I feel it strongly that because of the rapid changes in life and the increase in uncertainty, we often fall into a precarious state of uneasiness:
Being tortured by work and even experiencing physical reactions such as insomnia and headaches, but they dare not resign and are worried about losing their job;
Being in an in-fighting relationship, being hurt repeatedly by your partner, but unable to leave decisively, fearing the consequences;
I tried many times to take the postgraduate entrance examination or the civil service examination, but failed. I fell into the pain of self-denial, but I was not willing to give up…
In this twisted state, mental exhaustion has become an “epidemic” this year:
I was obviously very tired and wanted to run away. I wanted to say “I don’t want it anymore”! But I don’t dare, I can’t, I can’t.
Over time, you will find: the more internal friction you have, the less smooth things will become, and the more unfortunate you will feel.
But when you show that you don’t care about anything, don’t want anything, and take the initiative to stay away and give up, you will feel that “life is so much better.”
Therefore, I would like to tell you that you might as well be an “indifferent” person.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you become “heartless”, but when you are very tired, allow yourself to stay away from all the people and things that consume you, and you will find that——
From the moment you become “indifferent”, good luck will come naturally.
Is there anyone like this around you, or are you someone like this:
My best friend comes to complain when she is in a bad mood. Even if she has a lot of worries herself, she still acts as a listener and comforter softly;
When your friends invite you to dinner and shopping, even if you are so tired that you have to go out, you still drag your exhausted body out of the house;
I am not familiar with my colleagues and leaders, and even if I don’t want to make friends with them, I still force myself to participate in various “bureaus”…
In order not to disappoint my family, not to embarrass my friends, and not to disappoint my colleagues, I try my best to hide my true needs and feelings.
I remembered that a long time ago, many people liked Lin Chiling, thinking that she was always smiling, always good-tempered, and a “representative of high emotional intelligence” who was gentle and decent, making people feel like spring breeze.
Only Cai Kangyong felt sorry for her. He felt that Lin Chiling was “too tired to be a human being.”
Because she always takes care of other people’s feelings first, becomes a person who satisfies everyone, and constantly consumes her own energy.
If you are also in such “interpersonal friction”, you might as well learn to use “intermittent indifference” to get rid of it.
This kind of indifference is not about disconnecting from other people’s emotions, but when you experience “empathy fatigue”, you can bravely escape for a short time.
Human empathy is limited just like physical strength. Taking care of other people’s feelings will lead to excessive empathy and people will easily become exhausted.
“Don’t want to talk to anyone”, “Don’t want to be someone else’s emotional outlet”… these are all allowed. This is your own protection mechanism that allows you to withdraw from an emotionally draining state and re-accumulate energy.
Always remind yourself: My time is precious , don’t waste it on people and things that consume you .
I remember that in one issue of “Longing for Life”, 9 new generation idols appeared at once, which frightened Huang Lei:
“I looked at them, they are all strangers.”
He said hello politely and hid in the kitchen, saying bluntly: “You guys play games tonight, I will go to bed early today.”
During the meal he confessed:
“There are a lot of you here, and I’m not familiar with you either. I don’t have to talk nonsense with people I’m not familiar with, so when you come in and greet me, I’m not that enthusiastic.”
△Source: Variety show “Longing for Life 3”
Some netizens criticized him for “not knowing how to behave”, but I have different ideas.
Although the scene is a bit embarrassing, everyone present can breathe a sigh of relief. At least they don’t have to go to great lengths to pretend or please, and they can all feel more comfortable with each other.
When people are enthusiastic, there will also be times when they are “cold”. This is the normal ups and downs of emotions.
When you directly tell the other person about your stress, you can maintain your boundaries and allow your emotions to enter the recovery period, and your relationship will be healthier and longer-lasting.
Maintain “intermittent apathy” and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a prerequisite for you to take care of yourself and live a good life.
Cai Kangyong once said, “I encourage everyone to become a cold person.” At that time, he also shared a story in “Lens” magazine:
When Steven Spielberg was 27 years old, he became a popular director in Hollywood because of the movie “Jaws”. The American “Times” even gave him a special issue. This is worth it for anyone. Show off.
But when the magazine was delivered to the set, Spielberg did not take it. The producer was surprised: “The whole magazine is about you, why don’t you read it?”
Spielberg replied: “If I believe their praise of me now, I will believe their attack on me next. I have to train myself not to easily believe other people’s praise of you. Only then will I be able to not be easily Others attack.”
When your recognition of yourself comes from others, you may interpret their look, action, or words as “Does he or she dislike me?” “Is it too childish for me to speak like this?” or “His… The tone is not very happy, are you dissatisfied with me?” …
Even if you haven’t done anything, you feel “tired” because you have played countless inner dramas, but you still can’t truly believe in yourself.
There is a word in psychology called FOPO (the fear of other people’s opinions): fear of other people’s opinions means being trapped in other people’s evaluations .
Many times, we dare not leave a bad relationship and environment because we are afraid of negative evaluation from the outside world; for the sake of praise from the outside world, we set unattainable goals for ourselves and constantly criticize ourselves to achieve them.
When we become an “indifferent” person, we can ignore and be wary of praise from the outside world and focus back on ourselves.
To this end, psychologist Dr. Micheal Gervais proposed “to form your own personal philosophy . ”
How to do it? You can always ask yourself these 3 questions:
1. What are the underlying beliefs behind my thoughts and actions when I achieve my best performance?
2. Whose characteristics and qualities are most consistent with mine? What are these qualities?
3. What is my favorite sentence? What words can describe yourself?
These questions can help you block other people’s opinions, focus more on your own abilities, and understand your own characteristics.
This is not an easy task, even Cai Kangyong will train himself:
“Don’t worry about what kind of person people think of me.”
Because the evaluations we get cannot all be good, but we can get that part of our own true happiness .
To be honest, I feel a little sad as I write this.
It seems that we are all accustomed to giving enthusiasm to others and keeping sadness to ourselves.
Nervousness, anxiety and self-attack became the final outcome. Even if I did nothing, I felt exhausted.
But you don’t have no choice. You can be a little indifferent to others, return your enthusiasm to yourself, and devote more energy to yourself.
I really want to talk to you about Peng Lei. Many people know that he is the lead singer of New Pants, but they may not know that he is a “blacklist maniac” in the entertainment industry.
Others use WeChat to meet big bosses and build good relationships, but he is better off using it to “block friends.”
The principle is: every time a person is added to the address book, another person must be deleted.
Once when he was on “Qi Pa Shuo 6”, Li Dan “forcibly” added him on WeChat, and he looked troubled:
“Xu Zheng has been blocked by me. Why don’t I delete Ning Hao or Lu Chuan next?”
After getting off the show, Li Dan wanted to chat with him, but found that he had been blocked.
Many of the connections people want to make are not important in his eyes. If he adds people he doesn’t chat with or interact with, he deletes them all. He says it’s “quiet”.
Later, a media interviewer asked him: “Are you compromising with yourself now? For example, will you accept things that you would reject before?”
He said that he would still refuse out of habit, “because now many opportunities are coming and people want to buy you.” He doesn’t want to see himself in more media. “If I’m so happy, once the door is closed, the world has nothing to do with me.”
△Source: Orange Entertainment
Probably because, after having children, he preferred a peaceful home life and became interested in plants. He no longer needed to associate with “bad friends” and no longer wasted time and emotions on boring things.
I always like to read his Weibo. He often goes mountain climbing with a friend named Biaozi. Walking through quiet villages, entering air-raid shelters by mistake, watching streams flowing in valleys, looking at abandoned toys in abandoned playgrounds… focus on your own life and everything will become simpler.
I know not everyone can become Peng Lei, but moderate indifference can make you——
You don’t have to take care of other people’s emotions everywhere, because you no longer worry about being abandoned by the world without taking care of them;
You don’t have to always meet other people’s expectations because you are no longer afraid that you are not good enough and will not be loved.
When you start to care about whether you are truly happy, you will seriously think about what you want and where to go.
Don’t over-warm others, return the enthusiasm to yourself .
You can free up some space from internal consumption and accumulate your own energy.
Liang Wendao once said in “The Round Table School”: “The most ideal interpersonal relationship is like the relationship between a person and a cat.”
It keeps you company but doesn’t interfere with you. The “indifference” of not being overly involved seems to be maintaining each other’s boundaries and space.
When you keep a distance from all bad people and bad things, when you can stop losses in time even if you are internally consumed, when the emotions that were originally consumed too much are gradually restored, and accumulated into high energy to attract more beautiful things, I think this is ” Let the “transfer” begin!
Remember, only by being moderately indifferent to others can you truly warm yourself.
You’ll have more time to care for the people you love and do the things you love. Over time, you will find that the core of your personality is no longer violently shaken by external interference, because you know what is most important to you, and you don’t have to be enthusiastic about everything and make everyone happy.
Finally, I want to share a line from the Japanese drama “Nagi’s New Life”. I feel relieved every time I see it:
“I don’t want to read the air to see my face anymore. I think the air is not for reading at all, but for breathing.”