Life

Reflecting on the Complex Nature of Infatuation, First Love and Unrequited Affection

Loving someone obsessively is the process of turning from thinking that you are rational to being a love lunatic. People in love will hold each other up on the altar for no reason and become a god-like existence.

If there are less debauched adventures, less absurdity, less frivolous and ambiguous affairs, how can we live with courage in the face of thorns?

Ten years of seclusion in Taoyuan, coffee time in Second Life, a cup of UCC every morning, Master Fengyun incarnates the daily life of a lazy master, stubborn and unconvinced youth is far away, just remember a certain summer, a room at the south exit of Shinjuku, Tokyo was always full In the ESPRESSO BAR, I was in it, listening to the sound of jazz soul drifting in the room, and wrote a few lines of notes to Iraq on a napkin. Then I closed my eyes and picked up the coffee cup, licked it lightly, and the sour taste overflowed. Don’t be sentimental, why do you feel so sad when you think of that person? Just like at this moment, using the lonely and silent time, sitting alone at the writing desk, with a completely changed expression, condensing a fascination into unshakable memories.

Blindly believe, make people blind, and have some regretful romance, how long will it linger in my heart? who knows? The people you meet when you are young, everything you have shared and everything you have experienced will remain in your memory. No matter what, when the person you admire sneaks into your life, you can enter and exit without hindrance. How can you never expect this to happen? I just feel that there is something more tempting than the person I like at that time, who also likes me.

After a long time, it is inevitable to be troubled. There are many phone numbers stored in the mobile phone, but I don’t want to call them. I think in my heart, don’t call someone if you have nothing to do. This will disturb the person who answers the call. However, I still have the urge to pick up Yibo who has been estranged for a long time.

There is joy in having someone who understands your thoughts. That’s right, if the cherry blossoms in March haven’t faded, I would really like to talk to him; I’m not good at making up stories, I just want to say a few words. It’s been a long time since I talked with the other party on the phone about Izu, or about the proprietress of the Umeya Inn in Ito, how they are doing now.

I really want to talk. It was a long time ago. Actually, I don’t intend to remember how many years. He taught me computer homework. I don’t know anything about computers. He is a good hand and taught some basic knowledge. For humans, this is an important delicate job. It’s a coincidence that he likes traveling in Japan, so he often talks about Tokyo and travel-related knowledge on the phone.

I always feel that chatting on the phone is more vivid than talking on paper. I just want to hear Yi’s voice. If I don’t have a phone, I don’t talk about Izu, and I don’t talk about travel, I won’t remember this person; it’s like what Shakespeare said: “His eyes are asking, how can I not answer.” It’s like a mirror, empty and unreal .

Is it a waste of time that my mind and emotions are too busy trying to be with someone who is so used to putting on a cold face? When you like someone, longing for a love you have never met, sometimes you will be ruthless in an instant, and change as soon as you say it. It’s a bit boring to be with a person who is not satisfactory at first, but it’s futile to separate from such a person later, what kind of extreme nature is this?

It’s not that the two stopped talking about the ups and downs of traveling together in Izu, so they couldn’t be close friends. On the day they left Tokyo, they first received a letter of parting from Izu at Narita Airport; shortly after returning to Taiwan, they received another letter Counting the inconsistencies, the incomprehensible farewell letters, and two consecutive letters with very different sentiments, it is indeed a sign of the storm.

“The end of traveling together inevitably has a kind of illusion of waking up from a big dream, especially on this sleepy morning. (I got up and wrote it specially!)

Regarding the rafting in Tokyo and the nostalgia in Ito, it should be the end. Do you have a chance to go out together next time? It is difficult to have a definite answer. After returning to Taiwan, each has its own life that must be carried out, and life never needs to be arranged again for the memory of yesterday. The same combination can never be reunited. It will be the old days.

If, just in case, one day, we can be here side by side again, let’s go through those unfinished journeys together!

For the rest, convert some regrets into the power of expectation. Some throbbing will always happen during the process, and it may end with the end of the trip, but they are all good memories that can be cherished for a lifetime. It is easy for me to feel sad because of the separation. Being able to meet the teacher at the corner of this life can be explained clearly without predestined relationship. With a tired mood, I have to go back and walk a long way home. Thanks, and best wishes for a lovely teacher and a great summer. ”

The first letter of reply stated: The glass will not hurt anyone when it is smoothed by sea water, and those who have been hurt will become gentle. Really? Later, on every trip, I insisted on collecting cherry blossom-related products, cherry blossom wine, and cherry blossom cups. After a long time, I began to expand my collection of beautifully designed and printed cherry blossom paper products as a memory.

Traveling to Japan all the year round, you can soak in the cherry blossom rain in spring, see the dazzling hydrangea in midsummer, pick up the maple leaves that have fallen in autumn, and blow the cold snow in winter. This is the wonderful feeling that travel brings to me.

No matter how beautiful youth is, because of the ability to charm people’s hearts, everything is incomparable. Under the bright sun, the golden orange beach in Ito, the young leaves hanging on the maple trees in Mishima Rakuen, and the smiling faces of handsome men left in Shuzenji Hot Spring, are all full of youthful atmosphere. In the summer when the moonlight was no longer shy, did you do anything special in Izu, at the Nakano Hotel in Tokyo?

Traveling to Izu because of the fame of Yasunari Kawabata’s novels, I can’t help but think of “The Dancer of Izu”, which has been adapted into a movie many times and has attracted many readers, and Kawabata’s first love as a boy.

When Kawabata was in the fifth grade of elementary school, he lived in the school as the head of the dormitory and received a classmate named Yoshito Ogasawara. His first impression of Ogasawara was: “the most gentle and pure boy in the school!” Ogasawara, who was cared for by his family since childhood, Kawabata believes that there will never be another person who is as happy as this in the world. For Kawabata who grew up in a “lonely home” that lacked warmth, it was a great incentive for same-sex attraction; Kawabata recalled: “With Living with Ogasawara is a kind of spiritual relief for me.”

In Kawabata’s novel, the young Ogasawara, nicknamed “Qing Ye”, was his “first love in life”. They were both only sixteen years old at the time.

Due to illness, Xiao Li entered school a few years late. With a gentle, shy, and careful temperament, she often worked silently for Kawabata and her classmates in the dormitory. The two became good friends, almost inseparable. One day, Kawabata had a high fever in the middle of the night, and heard the sound of chanting in a daze. He didn’t open his eyes, and he didn’t want Ogasawara, who was kneeling beside him, to know that he was pretending to sleep with his eyes closed and listening to prayers, for fear that he would be embarrassed. When Kawabata recovered from his illness, Ogasawara said nonchalantly, “This is praying to a god you don’t know, so your illness is cured.” This moved the young Kawabata deeply, and the two became closer.

In the cold winter, Kawabata woke up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, shivering all over, returned to the dormitory, got into Ogasawara’s bed, and hugged his warm body tightly. neck, their cheeks pressed together. At this time, Kawabata still kissed Ogasawara’s forehead with his lips, and couldn’t help saying: “You can be my lover!” Ogasawara replied without thinking: “Okay!” Then he closed his eyes and said: “My body Everything is given to you, whatever you love, everything is given to you.”

Kawabata, who was in love for the first time, wrote in his diary the next day: “Last night I thought with great pain, I really have to kiss him so that I can live sincerely in the hearts of my roommates, and I must hold him purely in my chest. This morning The same is true, my hands touched his chest, arms, lips and teeth, and he was so cute. The one who loves me the most, and who will definitely dedicate everything to me, is only this boy.” From then on, every night when he went to bed, Kawabata Then he moved Ogasawara’s warm arms over, hugging his chest and hugging his neck.

“If this is not love, then what is love?” Kawabata said, “Maybe this is first love!” He even felt that Ogasawara was more tempting than a girl, and he wanted to weave a beautiful love with him.

It is not difficult to understand this kind of feeling. At that time, they were still young, and there was more spiritual communication between the two.

I don’t intend to use the writer’s youthful past as a metaphor, greed is greed, confusion is confusion, just like the summer afternoon shower in Izu, it comes so violently that people are caught off guard, and occasionally there is a ray of sunshine in the sky, which brings people into a gray area; The ambiguous shadows make people flustered.

If the relationship between people becomes a secret, it is easy to become ambiguous, just like the night before returning to Tokyo by car from Izu, the night before the flight home, and the entangled parting night, Yishu told a lot of past events, just as Ogasawara’s innocent feelings warmed Kawabata, who had lost his family since he was a child. He believed that this was the earliest and most precious friendship and love he encountered in his life.

In 1948, Kawabata, who had reached the age of destiny, wrote in “Solitary Shadow Self-declaration”: “This is the first love I encountered in my life, maybe it can be called my first love! I gained warmth in this love , Purity and Salvation. Kiyono even made me think that he is not this mortal boy. Since then, until I was fifty years old, I have never encountered such pure love again.”

In the midsummer season of Izu travel, he paranoidly chased nothingness with dreams, and mistook Yi for the handsome Miura Yukazu from the movie “The Dancer of Izu”. The definite infatuation reached the extreme, and the loss also reached the end. In the end, even that sincere personal relationship was hit hard.

My life let Yiren enter unintentionally, and I also allowed myself to break into the other person’s heart. To put it mildly, Yi is a fascinating person, a person who inspires me to fall in love again and again, until I receive the second hint. A difficult time, a reply letter that had no chance to see you again, a letter that I really didn’t know how to face, made the few remaining hopes swallowed up. If we have to separate, do we have to hurt each other like this? It’s better to let me forget everything we have experienced with each other.

In the past, Yi stood there, as long as Yi was there, he could make people feel convincingly happy, and thus fell into a life-threatening attachment. This bitter love, parting is very tiring, not being understood is very tiring, it is simply the suffering of colorless sorrow . However, even in pain, human beings can grow thanks to love and love. However, I don’t want to face it anymore, so I can only choose to escape hypocritically. Even if the friendship that always feels good or bad ends like this, there is no need to leave a residual dream that I don’t want to wake up from!

If time is infinite, miracles may appear. Isn’t life always moving on a wandering road? The love affair produced by the resonance of travel is like a short-lived cherry blossom, but it is brilliant and beautiful for a while, even if it falls, it becomes the last touch of color in spring.

I no longer need to have one or more people who can travel with me, I don’t need someone who can talk about Izu with me, I don’t need someone who can eat ice-cream ice cream at Mishima Station’s sales store, and I don’t even want to pin my regrets In others, it means nothing to me, and I don’t have to give an answer, nor do I want to have one. In the past, I confessed my friendship to each other and revealed my thoughts, and I still felt helpless with the incomprehensible truth. At that time, I was sticky together, and later I couldn’t even be friends, so I just chased after the wind and comforted the restless mind in confusion.

Life is not like this, imagine that the beautiful future will always exist, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, not any emotion can be eternal, not all love can be perfect, the events will be reflected in reality, that is, things are still being described until now People who have known each other for a short time, who are so useless, may make the other party laugh at him as a fool who doesn’t know how to advance or retreat.

The flame of deliberate nostalgia is no longer ignited. If you are sincere, why care about how much true love you give. Can the time of confusion and love be regarded as love and reason? It’s just that when it is necessary to separate, no one should say who is right or wrong; although there are some disputes left in the end, it is inevitable that there are more regrets than extravagant expectations, and they are always baptized for pure passion and made a complete relief.

Changeable emotions, there will always be a third party, the seemingly extremely strange wrong love, first raw, then bitter, people can’t help but be surprised, it doesn’t belong to anyone in the first place, and it should be let go resolutely. Everything that is predestined is attached to the chaos, and I am not allowed to live in the abyss of unwillingness and depression.

The dream that can never be obtained, don’t think that Yi will leave a memory with a gentle smile, and bid farewell to the unrepentant divorce in Tokyo all night, forget about the accidental meeting at the beginning, forget how to go from infatuated to lost, because I like It is a heart-wrenching fact; let time bid farewell to the past, the bitter love of cherry blossoms withering is extraordinary, “Isn’t this also the first time to directly touch the breath of life?” Undoubtedly, I firmly believe in the feelings of the young Kawabata: this is the beginning of love, sex awakening.

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