If you are always good-tempered and afraid of conflicts, then you should really listen to a speech by the famous psychology professor Jordan Peterson:
There are two types of people in the world, high conscientious and high agreeable.
And high pleasant people must pay attention not to be exploited by others.
Because agreeable people hate conflict so much, they like peace and quiet.
But at the same time be physically or emotionally vulnerable.
This social behavior to avoid conflicts will cause varying degrees of internal friction, and the pain accumulated over time will completely wear down a person.
As another psychologist said: “There are always challenges in life. The challenges themselves will not bring pain. The internal friction caused by self-struggle is the root of pain.”
Have you ever had a similar experience:
I was going out happily, but suddenly I received a call from my best friend to complain about my husband’s various problems. You are as angry as your best friend after hearing it. But after hanging up the phone, your good mood seems to have disappeared;
When I came to the company, I was in a good mood, but the colleagues next to me came up and complained about what happened to me, crying about how I was not going well recently. This kind of negative emotion will affect your work status throughout the day.
The author of the book “The Empathy Trap” said: Emotions between people are contagious.
When we hear about other people’s bad experiences and feel the low emotions of others, we are also easily infected by emotions and feel pain in our hearts.
There is a true story in the book:
The author (Christopher Agger) once had dinner with friends.
During the meal, my friend talked about a misfortune he had encountered – carotid artery laceration.
Listening to my friend talking about the scene at that time, when it comes to blood vessels, veins, and arteries, a bloody immediately appeared in the author’s mind.
This association made him very anxious, and he even found that his breathing became short of breath.
After the dinner party, the author asked other friends at the same table if they also felt uncomfortable, and they all gave affirmative answers one by one.
This process is emotional contagion. The author and the person involved have an emotional resonance, and the imaginary misfortune will happen to him, which will lead to tension throughout the body.
People who are easily influenced by other people’s emotions are usually empathetic.
In severe cases, the emotional impact can be advanced into emotional kidnapping, changing one’s behavior because of other people’s emotions.
I read a true story of a consultant on Douban.
A friend wanted him to support the scene at a certain event. At first, the chat was good, but when the consultant expressed that business is business, even friends should abide by professional rules.
The friend’s face became unhappy for a moment, and he tried to find a way to excuse himself, “I don’t make much money now”, “Are you still my friend”…
The consultant thought to himself that if he continued to persist, he might lose this friend, so he reluctantly agreed, but in the next few days, he felt as unhappy as if he had suffered from being dumb.
If you want to get rid of this emotional kidnapping, you can try the following two methods:
1. Learn to separate subjects.
Figure out what is your responsibility and what is the other person’s responsibility.
Do not attribute other people’s problems to yourself.
2. Build personal boundaries.
Talk to yourself, and things outside the boundaries don’t take up energy.
Everyone is the first person responsible for their own emotions.
Resisting emotional kidnapping and not kidnapping other people’s emotions is the top self-discipline of adults.
The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre put forward a point of view in his play “Confinement”: Hell is other people.
When we have high expectations of others and they fail to meet our expectations, “others” become our “hell”.
Because once expectations are not met, our sense of self-worth and judgment will be impaired, resulting in pain.
This kind of performance of placing too high expectations on the outside world can be seen everywhere in life.
Open a book, hoping that after reading it, you will be able to solve your own life problems;
Treat others 10 points better, and expect the other party to treat yourself 10 points better, or even higher;
Work hard by yourself, expect your boss to see it soon, and give yourself a promotion and salary increase…
It is not a bad thing to have expectations, but hoping that your expectations will be 100% met will be an unfortunate beginning.
A friend recently complained that an old classmate of his came to Shanghai to join him six months ago because he couldn’t find a job in his hometown.
After the old classmates came, the friends were very enthusiastic.
Not only recommended him to work in our company, but also taught him personally.
Even the old classmates worked hard. In less than half a year, they changed from a rookie to the backbone of the department.
Recently, my friend encountered difficulties, so he opened his mouth to ask his old classmate for help.
For the first time, his classmate did not refuse, but the second time he began to show embarrassment, and even taunted his friend.
My friend was very disappointed and murmured:
“I helped him so much before, I thought I was very important in his heart.
This time I encountered difficulties, and I was full of expectations that he would repay me with a spring of kindness, but he didn’t repay me, and even taunted me. ”
Your actual position in others’ hearts is always much lower than what you think is in others’ hearts.
Don’t set your expectations high, or you’ll fall hard when you’re disappointed.
How to avoid this pain? 2 small tips:
1. Deliberately lower your expectations of others.
“Expectation” is inherently affected by uncertain factors.
The time and place are favorable, and expectations may be met. Once any factor is missing, expectations will easily become disappointments.
2. Return to yourself and focus on improving yourself.
Sanmao said: “We refuse to explore our own value, and we overemphasize the participation of others in our own lives. Therefore, loneliness is no longer beautiful, and we are panicked when we lose others.”
We tend to be anxious when we place our expectations on others;
Only by placing expectations on yourself can you have a solid security barrier.
When you are self-sufficient both materially and spiritually, you will be calm and calm in the face of everything.
Have you ever heard of “text-pleasing syndrome” ?
This is a chat technique to make the other party “feel more comfortable” when communicating online.
For example, add “ha, la, di, wavy line (~)” at the end of a sentence, or change “good” to “haodi, haole”, etc.
Although some people do not agree with the saying of “pleasing words”, they think that the use of some skills is just to make up for the lack of physical and demeanor language in online communication.
But this premise of doing things based on “whether others are comfortable” does have similarities with the pleasing personality in life.
If you please others, you will wrong yourself.
In the TV series “Leisure in a Calm Sea”, Da Dao is the little transparent of the company.
In order to blend in with everyone, Oshima tried his best to please the people around him, paying attention to everyone’s expressions.
The leader asked who caused the mistakes in the brochure.
Oshima observed his colleague’s eyes, and later admitted that he corrected the mistake, even though he was not responsible for that page.
When a colleague asked for help, Da Dao acted like a tool man, smiling all the way.
She thought that her colleagues would remember her kindness. It wasn’t until she accidentally saw the chat records of her colleagues that she realized that she was like a “joke” to her colleagues.
( source network, intruded and deleted)
They didn’t appreciate Oshima’s contribution at all, and took her behavior for granted.
Da Dao fully understands: Putting other people’s feelings first in everything does not necessarily mean treating each other sincerely.
Writer Liu Tong confessed that he used to be a pleasing personality.
That period was the most painful period of his life.
Ingratiating is the discoloration among chameleons, unable to truly become a dragon among the crowd.
If you want to get rid of the “pleasing personality”, you must first affirm your self-worth.
The self-worth of people with a pleaser personality comes from the evaluation of others, not from self-affirmation.
Putting the decision-making power of value in the hands of others is a dangerous practice in itself.
At any time, only when you think you can do it, can you really do it.
After that, stay away from people who accept your favour, and get closer to people who can nourish you.
In healthy interpersonal relationships, distinguish between truth, goodness and hypocrisy.
Any relationship that makes you uncomfortable, is wrong.
Only a relationship that is free and unaffected can truly last long.
Subtle things are the scariest because we don’t know to build defenses.
Social infighting is like this, it will drag you into the abyss before you know it.
The book “Anti-Internal Conflict” states:
“Behind knowing but not being able to do it is an endless ego battle. When all our physical and mental resources are devoted to ego-battle, we are powerless to meet the challenge and make any meaningful change.”
Get out of the relationship that makes you infighting, we don’t owe anyone, we should take care of ourselves most.
Do a good job of inner self-isolation, find a source of nourishment that suits you, and live a self-consistent and satisfying life.