Why marry the wrong person

　　Perfect marriages are rare, unsatisfactory is the norm. Marrying the wrong person is probably the easiest and most costly mistake we can make.
　　When we first start looking for a partner, our requirements are often vague. We’d say we’re looking for someone who’s kind or fun to be with, charming, or adventurous…not that those requirements are wrong, they’re just imprecise, and they don’t describe exactly what kind of person makes We’re happy—or, more accurately, so we’re not always miserable.
　　There is madness in each of us, in our own way of neuroticism, instability, and immaturity. But we only know a little about these, because no one has ever firmly encouraged us to understand the minutiae behind the madness.
　　One of the most urgent tasks for everyone in love is to figure out what they are angry about. One must develop a deep awareness of one’s own mood swings, of the source of these problems, of what they can make of a person – and most importantly of what kind of person triggers your emotions, what kind of People can relieve your irritability.
　　The problem is, it’s not easy to understand what’s wrong with you. It takes many years and many different experiences. Before marriage, we seldom explore the complex side of ourselves. When the beginning of a relationship exposes our own flaws, it’s easy to blame the other person and break things up.
　　It is difficult for us to see the bad side of our nature. When we’re alone, we don’t yell when we’re angry because no one is listening, which makes us underestimate our rage potential. When we work alone, we can forget about food and sleep, stay focused, because no one is rushing us to eat, it will give us a feeling of control over our lives – if anyone tries to interrupt this state, you may die Felt like I was in hell. At night, we all know how sweet it is to cuddle up with each other. But we don’t know how cold and alien we are in the eyes of our partners when we want to escape intimacy.
　　So, the biggest privilege of living alone is that you get the illusion that you are a very easy person to live with. But it’s only because of your lack of understanding of your own personality that it’s no wonder you don’t know what kind of partner you’re looking for.
　　We need to know what’s going on inside the person we’re planning to marry, how he thinks about authority, shame, introspection, sexual intimacy, psychological projection, money, children, aging, loyalty, and a hundred things like that. attitude or standpoint. These things cannot be understood clearly through an ordinary chat.
　　Without an understanding of all this, we are easily misled by the appearance of the other party when we make judgments. The shape of eyes, nose, forehead, distribution of freckles, smile… It seems that a lot of information can be read from these appearances. We often project a series of perfect “personas” on our lovers with only a small amount of evidence.
　　Our brains are always primed to construct complete portraits from small visual cues — and we do the same when we’re trying to figure out the personality of a potential spouse. We believe we can find happiness in love, but sometimes, we’re really just looking for familiarity, and that can derail our path to happiness.
　　In adult relationships, some of the feelings we experienced as children resurface. When we are children, we first know and understand what love is. The love we know as children can be mixed with some less pleasant emotions: being controlled, humiliated, abandoned, severely lack of communication. In short, mixed with pain.
　　Therefore, when we grow up, we will reject some of the healthy partner candidates we meet. It’s not because they are bad, on the contrary, it’s because they have such a good personality, this perfect feeling makes us feel strange and even a little oppressive. We turn to our subconscious to choose partners not because those people make us happy, but because the way they bring us pain is familiar to us.
　　We marry the wrong person because the right person makes us feel less right. They make us feel unworthy because we haven’t experienced healthy relationships, because we ultimately don’t connect the two feelings of being loved and being fulfilled.