Invisible shackles in the name of love
When it comes to educating children, “control” is an inevitable topic. Moderate control represents parents’ concern for their children and can regulate their children’s behavior. However, when the control is excessive, many hidden dangers will be planted in the child’s heart, and the more common one is the anxious personality.
We usually think that “control” is tough and rough. There is a very unique control mode in the original family, which is difficult to detect but powerful. This is “soft control”: parents control their children in a gentle and loving way. Disobedience is plagued by feelings of guilt. In many cases, children also agree with their parents’ control, even if it is very painful, they will force themselves to fulfill their parents’ wishes.
The visitor, Mr. D, grew up in a loving “soft control” native family. When he was young, his family was poor, his father went out to work, and his mother raised four children alone. Mr. D has been very sensible since he was a child. He not only excels in studies, but also takes the initiative to do housework and take care of his younger siblings. His mother is full of praise for him. Once he did not do things according to his mother’s wishes, his mother would shed tears, saying that his life was miserable, and that life was meaningless. Whenever this happens, Mr. D will feel very guilty and feel that he is very unfilial.
When he grew up, his mother wanted him to study medicine, so he gave up his favorite law major. After graduation, his mother wanted him to go home, so he gave up his job opportunity in Beijing. In college, he had a girlfriend who had a good relationship, but his mother didn’t like it, so he broke up cruelly and married the wife his mother chose for him. After marriage, he gave birth to a son early as his mother wished. In recent years, his mother also wanted him to have a second child. Under the repeated urging of his mother, he fell into anxiety, lost sleep all night, became emotional, and frequently quarreled with his wife.
Mr. D said that he repeatedly imagined every night, if he had not obeyed his mother at the beginning, what would his life be like now? Everything in front of him looked perfect, but nothing was what he wanted. He was in pain, anxious, overwhelmed.
In Mr. D’s story, we see his life under the “soft control” of his parents. Most of the time, “soft control” parents are gentle and reasonable, and rarely force their children roughly. They understand it with reason and move it with emotion, so as to gain the understanding of their children. Out of love for their parents, children will take the initiative to force themselves to fulfill their parents’ wishes. Children who are trapped in the “soft control” mode are often difficult to perceive the “control” in it, and live in self-doubt and repeated self-blame. They often think “I am wrong, I shouldn’t have such an idea, I should listen to my parents, they are right. But, I am so eager to realize my idea.” In this way, conflicts continue to arise in the subconscious, and anxiety also arises.
In order to meet the wishes and expectations of our parents, or to cater to and please our parents, we will unconsciously make some choices that go against our own intentions: choose a “good” school, choose a “good” career, choose a “good” The “right” partner… There are so many things that we think “should” and “right”, in fact, just come from the will and control of our parents.
Although the “soft control” native family model does not lack love, it excessively interferes with children’s lives and decisions in the name of love, depriving children of the right to choose their own life and happiness. Children who grow up in a “soft-controlled” native family atmosphere are often used to figure out and conform to their parents’ wishes and meet the needs of others, and are also used to ignoring their own needs and not paying much attention to what they want. As I get older, I become more and more dazed and anxious. Sometimes, even though we know what we want, we still have many worries and lack the motivation and courage to fight for it. As adults, we have to get rid of the control of our original family from the psychological level and have our own life.
Please think about it, what is the life you want? How do you plan to achieve such a life? How do you deal with it if your parents disagree?
When you truly control your life, you will find that love and control are not bound to each other. You can express and give love in your own way without sacrificing your control.
I hope that in the years to come, you will regain your sense of strength, gradually get rid of control and restraint, and live as yourself.