Unhappy marriage? Because it’s not “stupid” enough!

  I don’t know if you have read this “Andersen’s Fairy Tales”
   . One day, the old lady said to the old man, “You go to the market, sell your horses for something, and come back. I can rest assured that you will do things.” So the old man rode on his horse.
   On the way to the market, the old man first met a young man who was holding a cow. The old man thought that the cow was good and could produce milk. He and his wife had milk to drink. After he chatted with the young man for a while, the old man replaced the horse with a cow.
   The old man continued to walk forward, and then he met a man who was holding a sheep. The old man thought that winter was coming, and the sheep could stay in the house with the people, not afraid of freezing, but not the cow. So, the old man exchanged the cow for the sheep.
   Immediately afterwards, the old man saw another goose, and suddenly thought: “Ah, my old woman has said many times that she wants a goose, and now she can finally have one.” So he replaced the sheep with a goose. .
   Then it was changed to chicken, and finally to a bag of rotten apples. The reason was that the apple tree next to their house only had one apple, and the old lady of that house kept it as property. “See the world”.
   Later, when the old man was chatting with two wealthy Englishmen in the restaurant, he told the whole story. After the two Englishmen heard it, they laughed at the old man and he would definitely be scolded by his wife when he returned home, and he might even be beaten. Unexpectedly, the old man said that not only would his wife not scold him, but also kiss him and say, “The old man can never do anything wrong.” Of course the two Englishmen didn’t believe it, so they took out a bag of gold coins to bet with the old man, When he came home, the old lady happily came out to greet him.
   The old man said I traded horses for cows. The old lady said, “Thank goodness we have milk to drink. It’s a good deal.” The old man said that the cows were replaced by sheep. The old lady said, “That’s even better. We have goat milk, goat cheese, wool socks and wool pajamas. A cow can’t produce so much.” The old man said that the sheep had been replaced by geese. The old lady said: “We have goose meat for the festival, you are very thoughtful.” The old man said that the goose was replaced by the chicken. The old lady said, “The chicken produces the egg, the egg produces the chicken, and we are going to have a large flock of chickens.” The old man said that the chicken finally replaced the bag of rotten apples. The old lady said: “Thank you so much. Today I asked a stingy woman to borrow coriander, and she said that she couldn’t even lend me a rotten apple. Now I can lend her 10, or even a full bag. You always do things. Can’t be wrong.” Then he gave him a kiss.
   The two Brits were convincing and gave a bag of gold obediently.
   This story is a very common one in Andersen’s fairy tale, but it points to the three basic elements of a happy marriage: trust, consideration for each other, and perception of happiness.
   Have you noticed that these three things are actually “stupid things”.
   Trust means taking the risk of loss, whether that loss is material or spiritual. Absolute trust is also an absolute risk. It is an anti-human approach to completely hand over the back to the other party, and it is not easy to overcome it. Based on the performance of the old man in the text, he should not be regarded as a shrewd person. The old lady should not fail to see it, but she is still willing to give enough trust. The phrase “you can always do things right” is in the mouths of many couples, maybe It’s just a “beautiful word” after the fact, but it’s not “silly” enough for the old lady.
   It doesn’t seem like a good deal to think about the other party, but you are thinking about the other party. What if you run into a white-eyed wolf and you have to make an inch? According to game theory, this Nash equilibrium should reach a stable state where neither side cares about the other side. The model is the famous “Prisoner’s Dilemma”. In our review, the reasons behind every “wrong” decision made by the old man are always “what can be done at home” and “what can the old woman in my family be like”. Has he ever appeared in his thoughts? Not once, enough “silly”.
   Is it worth it to feel happiness? cost-effective. Is it simple? Simple. But why can’t most people do it? Because it sometimes takes a little “self-deception”. It is our instinct to deceive others, but it is not so easy to deceive ourselves. Some people say that it is very simple, how difficult it can be to be Ah Q. Completely wrong, Ah Q’s method of spiritual victory is to “pretend” to deceive himself when he knows he is at a loss, but is unable to change it. This is called self-comfort. And the old couple in the text are Ah Q? As I said in the previous article, happiness is determined by their own brains, and there is no set formula. Obviously, they really feel that they are living a very happy life, but in the eyes of others, they seem to be “deceiving themselves”, which is enough” Silly”.
   If there is no problem with my memory, in my impression, many parents will teach their children the “law of the husband” or “the way of the wife” when their children are ready for marriage, so that the children can successfully control the marriage after marriage. each other, improve the status at home. However, since both parties have undergone “training”, the original expectation was that the marriage between you and me suddenly turned into a game of unpleasant scenery. , compared to the scheming.
   Parents, according to their “practice” in the family, impart “blood experience” to their children, which is supposed to be love for their children. In order to make them “raise their eyebrows” after marriage, how can they create unfortunate marriages? As the saying goes, the road to hell is often paved with flowers. Parents who teach their children “experience” in this way are often not happy themselves. They are actually using an attitude of “better me and others than me” to let their children circulate their misfortunes.
   Marriage is a give-and-take commitment, and as you reap, you sow. But most people tend to think about harvesting first and planting later. As a result, no one is planting at all, and naturally no one will reap. In fact, from the moment marriage begins to be counted, it has gradually drifted away from happiness, and what remains is only interests.
   In the future, if someone laughs behind your back and says, “Look, this fool”, please take it as a compliment, because being “silly” is a kind of courage. Many people say, “I was so stupid in the first place” when a marriage is unhappy.
   In fact, you’re just not “stupid” enough.