I’ve never hated my body so much, just like I’ve never loved it so much, love it’s sensitivity, stubbornness, and frailty—I can’t help but love it. At this moment, my soul is still living in it. , A strong shelter is desperately needed. However, it was disappointed.
Reaching out to estimate this pair of bones is like a poor ghost clutching his pocket tightly, for fear of being targeted by a thief, lightly poking it, and the last few copper plates are missing. If it is really a copper plate, it would be fine. In fact, it is closer to decayed wood, wood that has been decayed to a considerable degree, exuding bursts of sour rot. Who would have thought that in his prime, his body would be so bad?
The inexplicable soreness is concentrated in the fixed area of the neck, and the pain is severe. Asking people to massage or closing their eyes can not relieve it. Its attack time is more accurate than the alarm clock, starting at three o’clock in the afternoon every day, like a robber who breaks in, you can’t help but shut it out. I can’t continue to sit at my desk and write. Even if I lie on the sofa, it won’t help. The soreness and pain will not be overwhelmed by my compromise. At that time, I still took a chance, thinking that it was just a momentary fatigue, coupled with the daily writing habits, sitting in front of the computer for too long, this kind of situation is commonplace for writers, as long as you pay a little attention, rest for a while, and take your time. It will get over. However, it did not. Not only the neck didn’t improve, but the buttocks also quickly went wrong, and I felt like sitting on pins and needles every day. I have hemorrhoids. The area was itchy and painful, and within a few days, the symptoms turned abruptly, and there were blood stains in the stool. I found out that my body had become a machine in disrepair for a long time, on the verge of danger, unable to function normally. I went to see a doctor and said that both the cervical spine and lumbar spine had problems. Hemorrhoids are just a chain reaction. If you don’t take it seriously and deal with it in time, the consequences will be much more terrible in the future. I think it’s scary enough now, it’s scarier than it is now, how bad is it? I can’t imagine.
The doctor said that this is a kind of health-preserving disease, there is no medicine to cure, relying on self-conditioning, all-round recuperation, and cure without doing anything. According to the doctor’s instructions, I have to read less, write less, try not to do writing work, and must not sit all day long, as the brain oxygen is insufficient, the blood vessels compress the nerves, and the cervical spine problems will be more serious. Go out more, walk more, and travel more. He especially emphasized that don’t take it seriously if you are young. In the current working environment, your age has reached a point, take care of it, and there will be a long way to go in the future. Is it a common thing, not watching the news? Many young people died suddenly on the job. In other words, next, I have to live like a dude, or a rich native. But am I eligible? No. Not to mention more than half a year, if you don’t work for two months, the whole family will have to drink northwest wind. I had to carry the doctor on my back and discount those terms. However, I did not sit for a long time continuously, nor did I work in a single posture for a long time. I regarded myself as a fish in a frying pan, constantly changing angles, turning my body, and avoiding a certain side of the pan frying and sticking to the pan. The doctor’s words are exaggerated. Regardless of serious illness or minor illness, they are always the same. First frighten the patient. Otherwise, how can you listen to his arrangement? I don’t believe me, my body in my thirties will be irreparably bad. However, this kind of thing can only be believed in what it has, and it cannot be trusted.
Over the years, my ass has been busy building a friendship with a chair. I stubbornly believe that the deeper this friendship, the closer to what I want, and they will become a witness to my literary career. I have never thought that the combination between the two is a conspiracy. They secretly planned, and when the time comes, they rise up, unite to create my opposition, and crush my already cramped living space. Disarming and surrendering, I have no room for resistance.
From the age of 30, I suffered from insomnia frequently, and my blood vessels murmured loudly at midnight, making people unable to sleep. In the past, that kind of sound was close to the mountain spring, clear and sweet, flowing not irritably, fine and peaceful, and after listening for a long time, it would eventually fall asleep; now, they have become noisy and turbid, and the river inside the body seems to have encountered After the flood, the mud and sand fell and it flowed very hard. Every time I heard that turbid sound, I felt an ominous feeling and my heart became restless. As a result, my insomnia worsened. Sure enough, the unit organized a collective blood donation, and tests showed that my blood lipids were high.
Are you only thirty-five this year? The doctor couldn’t believe it. The blood lipids of this age group are so high and it is very abnormal. The staff of the blood station joked that such thick blood can only be spilled on the wall. It can be used as dog blood to ward off evil spirits. Just come down. It’s conditioning again, and I have begun to feel psychological fear of this word. An elderly person said that you are overweight and have poor liver function. You need to lose weight, stay up late, exercise more, go to bed early every day, you know, staying up late is more harmful to your body than drinking alcohol. If you want to live a few more years, start now It should be noted that the body is the capital of the revolution. I said, you are right, the body is not only the capital of the revolution, but also the revolution itself. But do you know? I rarely write now. If I go to bed earlier and do nothing, I am afraid I will starve to death tomorrow, and there will be no future.
Who doesn’t want to have a good body and dwell poetically? Life should be poetic. It’s a pity that the pitiful poetry that has been accumulated with great difficulty, with a light blow, is overwhelmed by the worldly dust. The speed is so fast that people suspect that it has never existed; and the ideal of going forward is easily shielded. Scenery along the way. Our body is like a machine being urged. Once it is turned on, it cannot be stopped, let alone break away from the existing track and choose a new route of operation. Helplessness is the alias of life, and involuntary is its only attribute. All time and energy are tied up by the body and eliminated in irresistible trivialities.
For nearly ten years, I declined all entertainment on weekends, stayed behind closed doors, closed myself at home, and immersed myself in an unknown cause; after having children, time was even less available. I go out to work every day before the sun rises, and in the evening, I come back against the setting sun. In winter, I don’t see the sky at both ends. I am not willing to share it with others on the weekends I have finally waited for, let alone exercise. Of course, many things in this world are meaningful, such as health, such as poetic travel, or carnival in the crowd. However, I can only choose the most important and urgent thing-my most urgent thing is to survive. There is no guarantee for survival, the things you want to do the most are incapable of being touched, no matter how good your body is, what is the use? What is the point of living a hundred years? But the problem is that the time to live is too short, and it is definitely not what I want. This is the crux.
I really want to know how the ancient office workers took care of their lives. The scholar-officials wanted to provide relief for the common people, but also to support their families, bury their heads in official duties, and still have to take the time to devote themselves to the mountains and rivers, so there was no sense of disobedience. However, I have always doubted the records in ancient books. The ancients are good at disguising themselves. Just as I shielded the surrounding scenery, they also shielded those trivial things that were unsightly, choosing part of the truth, or even completely fiction, and grabbing what they wanted in the world of words. There were so many hermits and resigners in ancient times, but unlike now, if one jumps out, it will make headlines. Sincere people are clumsy. Most of them live very hard. Every step is not easy. Only an actor can handle everything. However, not everyone is good at acting. This is another sticking point.
The doctor at the blood station sighed softly when he heard me talk about all these things. Young people nowadays, it’s so pitiful. It’s really pitiful, I touched my swollen chin and fell into deep distress.
Yes, there is a problem with my teeth.
That tooth tortured me for two nights, as if it got into a weird bug, gnawing wantonly in it, gnawing half of my head almost numb. The texture of the head is a bit like a watermelon about to split. I couldn’t bear it, so I went to the dentist. It was a small roadside store with ancestral skills written on the sign. At that time, my gums were filled with pus, which was a big bulge. The old man was taken aback by this situation. Why are you here now? In this situation, many people are afraid that they will faint due to early pain, and they will still be able to go. I explained that the reason why I came now is because I have never had a toothache before, and I thought it would have passed. Fortunately, the old gentleman said, if you are a little later, you will be in big trouble. The nerves of your teeth are too close to the brain, and they are so bad that no one dares to pull them out. It will cost you several times the money to go to the central hospital. It turned out that he wanted to pull my teeth. It must be pulled out. These are wisdom teeth. The old man said, wisdom teeth are more useless than appendixes. They are bodily waste, but they hurt, but they will kill you. Hurry up and not too late.
The so-called wisdom teeth are teeth that only grow in adulthood. If it weren’t for the old man to tell me, I didn’t even pay attention to its name. Now that a man has grown up and has enough power to deal with the world in front of him, teething at this time is of course redundant. I have four wisdom teeth, he said, from the perspective of the shape and distribution, they must be pulled out, so that they can be done once and for all. Otherwise, they will affect the teeth next to them at any time, infection or ulcers will occur, and trouble will come to the door at any time. Take a look, it is often the little wisdom that can’t get through with ourselves. The so-called too much is too late, and the extra stuff will only make us fall into an embarrassing situation.
I really don’t know much about the body. The parts of the body are in the dust every day, running around with us, and have never been squarely looked at. Only when misfortune comes, the body undergoes disease, and you feel pain, do you realize their existence.
Wisdom teeth have to be pulled out one by one, after pulling one out, after recovering well, pull out the second one. According to the old man, after pulling out his wisdom teeth, he can resume his diet within two or three days. However, the situation was not like what he said. Not only did my pain not ease, but it got worse. I wonder if the old man is getting older, his eyes are not good, he made the wrong object, and he pulled out the good teeth, but left the bad ones? He said, it seems that he underestimated the extent of damage to your teeth, and the problem next to the wisdom tooth is already very serious. I said, then continue to pull out, the long-term pain is not as good as the short-term pain, and pull out all the bad ones. He said, “You can’t pull it out anymore. If you pull it out again, you will become a mouthful. Except for wisdom teeth, all the extracted teeth have to be planted. Implant your teeth at your age. It’s just like an old man and an old lady. It’s too exaggerated.” then what should we do? I asked. Of course, it’s raising, conditioning, paying attention to diet, and brushing your teeth frequently.
Look, it’s conditioning again. I don’t know if I am conditioning them, or if they are conditioning me.
The wisdom tooth was pulled out, and its shadow remained in the alveolar. I gently licked the robbery with my tongue. Unspeakable horror came from the nerve endings, and a feeling of coldness and collapse of the city attacked me. The sourness of the gums comes with the chewing of food, as if an old man entering his old age is reminded of the disability every day. I know that my body can never go back to the past.
There is no way to tell people about their plight. The lumbar and cervical vertebrae are inside the body, and the mouth with a slight halitosis cannot be shown casually. The deepest part of the throat falls off, like a bitter fruit swallowed alone. They think everything is my disguise.
In the past, every time I finished my haircut, I would ask my wife to help. I spent some time at home using pliers to remove the conspicuous white hair on the temples. Those white stubbles were thick and hard. From the first three or five roots, they gradually became a prairie fire, and several large-scale base areas were established on the temples. That was before. At that time, the number of gray hair was small and the scale was small, and it took ten minutes and five minutes to deal with it. Nowadays, their base areas are connected together, which is irresistible, and there is a tendency to dominate the Central Plains. Facing the menacing attack, I lost my basic resistance. White hair is like barnyard grass in the rice field. It grows faster than the crops. When the hair is not repaired, they are hidden in the messy grass and are not so conspicuous. Once the hair is cut, it will jump a bit higher than the surrounding hair in a few days. Can be spotted. Someone in the crowd raised the white flag of surrender without any guilt. Heaven, I am old.
I seem to be using a kind of old age to prove my maturity and stability. The problem is that this behavior itself is naive. Decay before getting old is never a wealth. It will only make you anxious and remind you of the shortness of life and the impatient time. The soldiers were defeated and betrayed themselves one after another, holding high the white flag to life and giving up their positions. What can I do? With my own efforts, I, the coach, cannot reverse the situation at all.
In the first year of work, my weight was 110 kg, and now it is nearly 160. I had a big belly and I was panting when I bent over and put on socks. My body was like abandoning my shoes. I really dislike it. If the soul has the right to live, I will abandon this place and choose another skin. However, it cannot. Our soul is as fragile as our body, like a cobweb in the wind, but the relationship between the two is unbreakable. This unbreakable relationship makes both sides walk on thin ice every day. Compared with the dissatisfaction of the soul, the resentment of the body is obviously greater. Otherwise, it will not show me a sickness at every turn. It’s revenge, a sense of presence. When writing this article, I experienced a cold halfway through and had to stop and rest. In the past, my cold frequency was once a year, but now it is four times a year, and every time I catch a cold, I have a headache. A headache is a whole day. Whether I take medicine or injections, this time span cannot be shortened. The only benefit of disease is that it forces oneself to stop.
In the past few years, I ignored the body, consumed it, overdrafted it, and even tortured it. I never took it seriously, and now it no longer treats me well. Staying up late to write things, sitting for more than ten hours, for many years I rarely slept before midnight; except for eating and going to the bathroom, my buttocks stayed on the chair for a moment. My body seemed to be a part of the chair, and I couldn’t get out of it. At that time, everything was my own, my time, my body, my spiritual world, I did not allow anyone to divide and occupy my life. But now, my teeth are not my own, my neck is not my own, and my waist is not my own. Even my soul has become unfamiliar. What is left of what belongs to me? I can’t tell.
Kuiye was awake alone, his thoughts wandering in the darkness faintly. The wife and children have fallen asleep long ago, and they have a sound snort. As long as I don’t turn my body, they won’t notice. Thinking about the work during the day and the novel that has not been conceived, my head is a little swollen, I want to get up and sit in the study, but I am afraid of awakening the person next to my pillow. To be too specific is not a good thing, there are too many things to care about. For example, firewood, rice, oil and salt, spiritual ideals. For example, is the old classmate really promoted to a deputy director-level cadre? Will he be able to make time for his job title this year? Year after year, there are more and more excuses and less and less desires. The soft parts of the body are not soft, such as bones, and the hard parts are not hard, such as the heart. Thinking of looking in the mirror, the stranger in that person, who is nearly middle-aged, has insomnia like a shadow, and his body is like an epiphany, which only opens at midnight. I never told my wife that I had been a sleeper with difficulty for several years. She also never discovered how the body that lay beside her at night was suffering in the dark. As for the gray hair on the head, in her opinion, it is just the result of my overwork.
Not only her, I was also confused by my own appearance, and I couldn’t see myself more and more. In fact, the self in front of me is not only no stranger, but more familiar than ever. Its temperament, walking posture, heavy breathing, and attitude towards people and things, everything is so familiar. Aging is when you suddenly realize that you begin to have some of the same shortcomings as your parents. I found that I became more and more like my father. Hypocritical, greasy, pretentious, but can’t deceive myself, like a stone in a pit, smelly, hard, stubborn, and unchangeable-the problems I once hated the most, the problems in my father did not die because of his death, but It reappeared in me one by one over time. In this way, it seems to be making an excuse for myself, an excuse for nothing so far, because there is nowhere to go for that person’s failure.
Since it is a copy, then there is no reason not to copy that person’s failure. This thought made me feel the fear for the rest of my life. For a while, I was tired of every street, every corner, every shop, and even every breath of air in my chest. They were so familiar and uncomfortable. There are no accidents, no matter how hard I use, and how hard I spend, I can’t get rid of them. The similar life makes people’s spirits numb, like walking dead, I don’t know where tonight.
During the time when I was seconded to the CPPCC to compile the book, I had to walk every day after get off work, turned into the alley of Lao Ximen, and sat by the newly built ancient well for a while. Looking at the sun hurriedly falling, I felt very sad. The same is repeating the trajectory. Compared to its calmness and fearlessness, my footsteps are obviously too hesitant. Order a bowl of lotus seed powder as usual, sit down under the big tree as usual, and then slowly pick it up and eat it with a spoon. At that moment, it seemed that I was the only one left in the whole city. The figure of the beggars and the people rushing home can be ignored. A moment of silence in the crowd is a kind of real freedom, not for outsiders. There is a moat in the old west gate, grass and trees along the river, and crickets in the grass and trees. I am curious how they crossed so many roads to reach the alleys in this city. They seem to be accustomed to the hustle and bustle of the city, and their voices and the sounds of the city have reached an amazing tacit understanding. I can never do this kind of tacit understanding. To this day, I have lived in this small city for sixteen years, but it is still like a grain of sand falling into the bowl of others, always out of place.
Laoximen was originally an old alley, one of the most dilapidated and oldest alleys in the city. After reconstruction and reconstruction, it has turned gorgeously and has become the best leisure place in the city. This is the city. Many streets disappear overnight. At the same time, many streets become phoenix overnight. Unlike the body, once it is worn out, it is difficult to achieve reverse growth.
Looking up at the sky, the stars are faintly visible. After the street lights were turned on, the fishes in the moat continued to float up following the light to catch the mosquitoes on the water. Some people like to release raw fish into the moat like a stinking ditch, but it’s a pity that no amount of fish can fill a river, just as no amount of sound can fill a hollow drum. I sit alone here, and wait until the stars fill the night. Get up and go home. The moment I got up, I felt a lot lighter, as if I was sitting alone just now, allowing the dregs in my body to settle.
I saw so many people in the alley, young and old, and everyone was confident and comfortable with the life in front of them. They looked confident and comfortable when they walked. And even if I sit still, I feel terrified. How pessimistic and hopeless a person must be in order to ensure a happy life every day? In this small city, I feel so lonely. This kind of loneliness makes people feel strange to me, and I can hardly recognize myself. But even though I am alone, I am still afraid of meeting acquaintances. If a familiar figure passes by, I will turn around and turn my face to one side. I was afraid of being recognized, so I had to speak.
Reading at night, a moth flew in from the window. I put down the book, mumbled to it, and explained my views on life, my understanding of literature, and the confusions in my heart. Of course it can’t understand people. I just can’t control my desire to speak. I can’t talk to people, just talk to bugs. The wife said that she often finds me thinking about it all by myself, and I am distracted when I walk and do things. I really want to tell her that I am very homesick now, thinking about the Xiangnan mountain village where I was born and raised. If I work in my hometown, I can have my own land and vegetable garden, and I can visit relatives and friends on weekends, and talk to the folks at the lowest level, instead of dealing with the most sour literati.
In this city, I would rather chat with the old men and old ladies in the alley than the elegant gatherings of literati, and listen to their views on the world in front of me. Apart from reading and writing, sitting for a long time, not saying a word, just listening to them will benefit a lot. While adjusting the body, I can capture the true temperature of the soul and the subtlest sounds of fireworks in the world. The world is different, and people’s hearts are hardening. The pretense of claiming to be an artist or an art lover, that is, the so-called “person in nature” can no longer move me. The hustle and bustle of the city, only the loneliness in the crowd, has a lasting preservation effect like literature. In order to get rid of loneliness, I became obsessed with writing, and the development of writing habits made me even more lonely. Therefore, I have to keep a distance from reality amidst tranquility and anxiety, and finally get a self who is not loved by the world. It is hard to say whether this is a vicious circle or an unpredictable variable.
I would like to be a man with a blade, a cold scalpel, or a warm scalpel, to excavate or bridge humanity, to see blood, and then to know how to behave, knowing that there is spring breeze running in the cold steel pipe. I am also willing to be a neglected person, a person abandoned by the shore of time, always with bright eyes and warm heart, waiting for the day when it falls into dust. Nothing can be eternal, fear and old age, let me find that I am still alive, free from mediocrity, only in the gap between this second and the next, after all, no matter who, every day his body will Lighter and closer to dust.
I want to be a filter. When the world passes through me and arrives at my relatives, it will become softer and hypocritical. It will not be too sharp or too real to make them unbearable. Perhaps this is one of the few remaining uses of this body.
Qin Yumo, born in 1985, was originally from Yongzhou, Hunan. He is a member of the Chinese Writers Association and now works in the Changde Federation of Literary and Art Circles. Some works have been published in “Furong”, “The End of the World”, “Youth Literature”, “Prose”, “Hunan Literature”, “Southern Literature”, “Works”, “Literature Port”, “Yellow River Literature” and other journals, and the collection of essays “The Man Who Speaks Through Birds” was selected 21 The Century Literary Star series won the “Creation and Critic” magazine annual work award and the second Sanmao Prose Award.