When there are conflicts in family relationships, many people are often used to attribute the problem to others, thinking that they are victims and innocent.
So, is this really the case?
In the family system, participants who do not innocent
wife complained to her therapist husband how bad. The therapist asked her: “You chose to marry him at the time, proving that he was pretty good at the time. He has become so bad now, what did you do in the process?”
His wife immediately said, “I didn’t do anything! He It has nothing to do with me!” The therapist said, “He is so bad to you, and you do nothing.
” The sentence “I did nothing” is a double-edged sword:
on one hand It’s saying that I’m innocent and I’m a victim;
on the other hand, it’s saying that I have taken an action here. This action is called “acquiescence”, this action is called “inaction”, and this action is called “retention”. Intact”. This is a very powerful act, especially when the other person treats you badly.
When many therapists hear that you have done nothing, it must be your husband’s problem. But the system therapist will ask: “Why didn’t you do anything?” There must be a good reason behind the failure to make you choose to maintain the status quo.
Many women believe that the strange mother-in-law is a more terrifying existence than the third party. In fact, the mother-in-law is just a scapegoat in the family system.
A mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law very badly. Once, my daughter-in-law cut her hand while cooking, and the blood was flowing. The mother-in-law took a look and immediately found a pair of gloves for her to wear: “So you are not afraid of getting wet.” Then she directed her daughter-in-law to clean the dishes.
The daughter-in-law complained to her friend: “Do you think such a mother-in-law is weird? Why is she so excessive?” But when a friend gave her a trick, she would immediately say: “It’s useless, she won’t listen to me. .”
The mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are two people, and the mother-in-law can not listen to anything the daughter-in-law says. But the question is, if the mother-in-law does not listen, does the daughter-in-law do nothing?
In fact, children often do not listen to us, but we will tell them: You can be upset, you can shame, you can be angry, but today we have to go home after we buy these things and you have to do homework.
When faced with children’s “not listening”, mothers are generally decisive and will take corresponding actions.
Therefore, the fundamental problem is not whether the mother-in-law listens, but whether the daughter-in-law chooses to listen to her mother-in-law or herself.
My daughter-in-law’s complaint is not really trying to change the status quo, but just to prove to others: my mother-in-law is really too much, very weird, I am a victim, and my life is unfortunate. In this way, she can no longer be responsible for herself.
For example, she does not have to face conflicts with her mother-in-law and emotional pressure; she does not have to bear some responsibilities. If her mother-in-law gets angry and leaves, no one will help me take care of the children with housework; she does not have to upset her husband and affect the relationship between husband and wife.
Moreover, I did nothing, and unfortunately my marriage was all the fault of the wonderful mother-in-law.
And if I do something to change the status quo, in case life is still not good, then I have to take full responsibility.
Therefore, the strange mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law who is unwilling to take responsibility for themselves often appear together. This is the system.
We need to send out a clear partner, effective signal
to have a man as drunk, female colleagues and one-night stand, the results of pregnant female colleagues, and therefore his marriage in crisis.
He feels very innocent: “I am drunk! I am innocent!”
Is it really innocent? He did not take contraceptive measures and participated in this incident. Not taking contraceptive measures, it means that he acquiesced in the occurrence of pregnancy, and even willing to give this woman a certain promise.
Many men always say “I’m drinking”, as if he can’t choose whether to drink or not.
In fact, he has many choices: not to drink or less to keep himself awake; or to go home after drinking and not to have sex with a woman other than his wife.
At other times, although we did something, it was ineffective.
For example, when a child watches TV, the mother says, “Don’t watch TV anymore. Watching TV is not good for your eyes.” The child continues watching.
10 minutes later, the mother came back and said, “Don’t watch it, I told you you don’t watch it, you still watch it!” The child continued to watch. After another 10 minutes, my mother came over and said, “Why are you still watching TV?”
Mom kept saying, but did not turn off the TV. The message the child received was: I can continue watching TV at the cost of enduring my mother’s nagging.
Many wives treat their husbands just like this mother treats children. While complaining and nagging, I did all the housework.
Here, I am not accusing the wife, but saying that we need to send a clear and effective signal to our partner.
For example, some wives are very clever and say to their husbands: “You can do anything, but you are not allowed to do anything with me. As long as you do it once, we will get divorced. I will do what I say! When that happens, you will kneel down and beg me. It’s useless!”
Her husband had never done anything with her, even if the two quarreled fiercely.
This husband is not necessarily higher in character than other men, but he clearly knows the heavy price he will pay for domestic violence and dare not cross the bottom line of his wife.
Changes in marital interaction patterns, marriage will really change
you want to really change the status quo marriage, must start from the moment of interaction patterns. When the interaction mode changes and the couple jump out of the loop of nesting loops with each other, everything changes.
There is a couple who have a very poor relationship and they quarrel as long as they are together. They went to see the family therapist and wanted to know why they always quarreled and how they could avoid it.
The family therapist said: “I must know how you are making the noise. I have a tape recorder here and you keep it with you. When you two want to fight, press the record button. Then I know how to help you. ”
The couple went home with the tape recorder. A month later, the couple said to the therapist in frustration: “I’m sorry, we tried many times this month, but we didn’t quarrel. Every time I thought about pressing the recorder button, or after pressing the button, I suddenly didn’t want to quarrel. ”
This is because the current interaction mode of the couple has been changed.
Before, they quarreled because of conflict, but when they pressed the recorder button, their relationship became cooperation—cooperative performance quarrel. This is the “paradox intervention” technique in systematic family therapy.
Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said that the therapist should “spit” on the symptoms of the visitor. In this way, when he was using this symptom, he was not so happy, and felt that it was stained with the therapist’s “slobber”.
When the therapist allows the client to maintain the status quo, the client does not want to maintain it, so change becomes possible.
Try to build a new marriage model
in the “cycle of questions,” a book, there is a young couple, the husband had a gambling addiction, so often encounter financial difficulties.
The wife feels very desperate. Even if the husband swears to quit gambling, she cannot be sure whether he will gamble again tomorrow.
The therapist is a very smart person. He did not focus on “how to prevent the husband from gambling”. Instead, he suggested that the couple use the AA system and spend the money they earn.
The advantage of this is that whether the husband gambles or not, it will not affect the quality of life of his wife. Of course, the wife still does not know if the husband is gambling, and the therapist does not ask the husband to quit gambling.
At the beginning, they were all confused and uncomfortable. However, life slowly appeared magical changes: the wife had a lot of savings, she developed her hobbies, often danced, and met some excellent opposite sexes.
The husband does not understand his wife’s financial situation, and he sees his wife dancing with others, jealous and irritable, and they sometimes quarrel.
However, their lives have become more passionate, and their sex lives have improved. After a while, they had children and their lives continued to move forward.
There are many cases like this: the
husband returns after derailment, and the wife is always worried that he will be disconnected from his lover. Checking his mobile phone every day makes the relationship between husband and wife very tense.
I suggest that the wife shut down for two hours a day and not contact her husband, and it disappears completely. In these two hours, she can do anything to make herself happy. Then, never tell her husband what he did.
After an affair crisis, we all know that the best way to save a marriage is to rebuild trust. However, this process is extremely difficult and long, and some couples may not be able to establish true trust in their lifetime.
Therefore, we might as well control distrust. Everyone should leave some room for the other to distrust, and try to construct a new marriage model.
The current reality is: we will never be able to regain the level of mutual trust in the past, because we are hurt.
So, just look at how we can live better under such circumstances. After changing the interaction mode, the couple’s relationship became more intimate.
We should use a more equal way to understand everyone in the family, instead of pointing the finger at a certain person and telling him “If you change it, our whole family will be healed”; from a more objective perspective To understand what happened in this family; by changing the couple’s interaction mode, people in the marriage can be more happy and less painful.