Marriage Healing and Prevention Manual: Maintaining Yourself in Relationships

The divorce rate in the United States is as high as 50%, and second and even third marriages are the norm. In big cities like New York and Los Angeles, the pre-marital relationship between men and women is also very complicated. Americans obviously have much more experience in how to break up and divorce appropriately.

The best-selling “Breakup Bible” “Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy” on Amazon has nearly 1,500 reviews. The author Leslie Braswell pointed out in the book that the standard answer after being broken up is: keep silent.

Constantly sending messages, pretending to send messages unintentionally, calling repeatedly, begging him, going to his house, sending emails, showing pain to him, cursing him, checking his internet traces, harassing mutual friends, trying to arouse his jealousy , Showing a bad side on social networks, etc., are all taboos.

After the breakup, the man’s vision of a woman is that she will call and text him. And every time a female contacts one more time, the male deducts one point for her. The girl was in a mess, but she kept emphasizing to the boy how easy it was to win. He will hate her.

The man who proposes to break up has enough time to think carefully and consult with his friends, and then notify the other half. They have an advantage in psychological construction. At this time, girls can do their best to fight back, just ignore him. In this way, the feeling of loss, rejection, and abandonment that I should have endured is returned to the other party, evoking the other party’s guess and anxiety.

If the boy still has feelings, through the silence of the girl, he may gradually forget the negative factors. Boys are naturally good at solving problems. If the relationship is what they want to save, they will do whatever it takes. If they are indifferent, this is already a clear indication.

Breaking up is “a blessing in disguise”
The writer Braswell believes that breaking up is the best time to test a male character, because at this time there are no bystanders to give some “honorable” people performance space. In addition to face-to-face breakups, SMS breakups, phone calls, and email breakups are all inappropriate practices (not including long-distance relationships). As for some men who disappeared directly, they themselves are not even worthy of being trusted, let alone bother.

American host and comedian Steve Harvey in his book “Where is the upper body of a man?” “It’s bluntly said that if a man is serious about women, he will have the following three behaviors: first, he will declare to the world; second, he will protect his partner and will not be verbally/(or even) violent; third, he will use Take care of each other to the best of your ability (both materially and spiritually). Men will not reject the conflict in the relationship, but choose to face, listen and deal with it.

The standard answer after being broken up is: keep silent.

Most American emotion experts suggest that before women choose to develop further with men, they need to be tested to test how they treat, care and protect themselves. Action is more important than language. These are reflected in the details and need to be observed. If he often makes women cry, then this man is not worth it. This is far more important than a man’s appearance and bank assets.

“Where did the man’s upper body go?” 》

“Ignore theGuy, Get theGuy”

Good feelings must experience the best times and the worst times together. If you find that you can’t accept each other, separate early instead of wasting time.

Determine your own trajectory
In the relationship between the sexes, there are far worse things than breaking up. This is why we should say goodbye to inappropriate love.

Amazon best-selling author Rachel Hollis revealed in her new book “Didnt See That Coming” that in 2020, she divorced her husband who had been married for 16 years, had known each other for 18 years, and raised 4 children together. She talked about how to recover from the trauma of divorce in the book.

Hollis sought religious and (psychological) treatment, and also participated in a divorce sharing group. In the group, she saw a couple complaining about each other for their wife’s derailment for several years, and realized that the healing of betrayal and divorce usually takes several years, or even a lifetime.

Divorce is hell, and it is impossible for people who have experienced hell not to change. But people can choose to be a better version of themselves. The moments of major changes in life are usually reminders of which part of life is more important.

“Didn’ t SeeThat Coming”

Like a breakup, the support of the close circle after a divorce is very important.

At this stage, personal thoughts and feelings do not change as fast as the surroundings, and you will be lost. Many people have great ups and downs because they are aware of the shortcomings in their lives, but they force themselves to use self-affirmation to fill that shortcoming illusoryly.

In the early days after the divorce, Hollis used five questions to calm himself and sort out his thoughts: “who”, “what is”, “when”, “future plans” and “why”. These questions can be embodied as “who did I lose and who hurt me?” “what happened?” “when will the suffering end?” “what stage of my life will I be in and will I lose my job? How will I live if I lose my job? “Why did this happen to me”. After sorting out the confusion, she continued to think about “what to do”. In the midst of turmoil in life, determining one’s trajectory can help reduce the sense of uncertainty.

After that, she immediately took action and went to participate in the “Life Coaching” course to learn how to improve her life state. Learning some new things will bring a sense of accomplishment, which is exactly what people in frustration need.

Like a breakup, the support of the close circle after a divorce is very important. One’s own perspective is limited, and the perspective of others needs to be added. Psychological counseling can achieve the same or even better results. However, each person has a different trajectory. When giving advice, he guides others to his own trajectory.

Personal experience is unique. After listening to a variety of opinions, the decision on how to heal is still up to you. What is certain is that there are solutions to any kind of difficulty, but there is no uniform answer.

There are still some bottom lines that need to be followed, such as dressing appropriately in order to remain attractive in life and maintain financial balance. When asked by someone you don’t know well, you should respond to “I’m fine, I’m fine” instead of complaining, even if it is a thousand times worse than “very good”-for the middle class, decency is the most important thing.

Stills from the movie “Marriage Story”

Use love to eliminate negative emotions
During the breakup and divorce, one party lost the feeling of being “loved”, “supported” and “reliable”, and even suffered harm. When the person is unable to give the love that his predecessor has given, recovery is particularly difficult, especially for those who lack love in their original family.

Therefore, people usually experience many negative thoughts-disappointment, sadness, fear, jealousy, anger, etc., and even some ugly thoughts, these are all necessary. Because human beings are inherently imperfect, there is no need to feel guilty and self-denying for this. If you fall into the feeling of hating the other person, remember that hate will not heal the wound, only love can. At least love yourself.

Many men like to criticize girls after they are separated, “it’s all because you have changed.” At this time, the most correct answer should be: “Thank you, I have been working hard for this all the time.” People are constantly changing, which is a natural phenomenon. If you are trapped in the relationship and forced to stay the same, you will only continue to devalue yourself. A person who sticks to his heart and has a sense of boundaries can be honest with himself.

Feelings change, and many times they are not under their control. Maybe you are the one who hurt each other and will never be forgiven, but you can try to forgive yourself. In the American view, in a relationship between the sexes, if you sincerely apologize and really change, but others still hold on to this point, it is emotional blackmail—the victim can also become the perpetrator. Doing something wrong on a personal issue does not mean that you have to pay for it for a lifetime.

A person can carry bad thoughts and still do the right thing; or make mistakes and still be a good person. There is no need to deny the previous self because of the result. Even if you are separated, you were once a worthy lover, a good wife/mother.

Emotion experts have repeatedly emphasized that hard work is rewarded, but individuals cannot control the variables and the timing of rewards.

Maintain good social relations
A strong woman understands her own value and importance, self-confidence and self-esteem. This kind of woman associates with a man because she wants to be with him, not because she needs a man’s benefit. She knew that if a man left, it would be a loss for that man. Once a woman loses herself for love, it is the beginning of losing love.

Gender writer Braswell said: “If you have never lost interest in yourself, then men will not lose interest in you.” Keep growing, raise your standards, let your partner obey your own rules, and maintain a sense of boundary. Rejecting his unreasonable behavior, these are all conducive to win the respect of the other party. All these require years of hard work.

After the relationship breaks up, the person concerned needs to find a place where he can get comfort and support. This is a time when social credit and social costs need to be consumed, so it is also necessary to take precautions to establish good social relations. The importance of friendship in life is no less important than personal achievement.