Can criticizing others help you recognize yourself?

The world we perceive and feel is like a mirror, reflecting your inner self.

Recently, Pixar’s animated film “Spiritual Journey” is currently being shown in theaters. After watching it, I have a lot of feelings. “A person should have goals, ideals, and meaning to live”, which is a positive belief that most people on this planet agree with. However, is it really right? The film is beating everyone’s heart with a series of reverberating questions, “Hey, where are you going? Have you forgotten, are you still alive? Do you think this is not enough?” The answer to that question is Eventually, it slowly emerges-putting aside all the pursuit of meaning, it is possible for us to return to the present, to feel everything around us, to feel living itself. The theme of this movie coincides with the insight that a small event in my life brought me the other day. I used to be so obsessed with living a purposeful life, and these are really what I want. All of it? What kind of person should I be? …The series of self-questions originated from a worksheet of “criticizing my sister”.

Practice of “Criticizing Neighbor Worksheet”
The cousin Lingling, a properly single young woman born in the 1980s, is a bit stout and looks free and easy, but under her boyish speech and demeanor she has a sensitive and fragile heart. She worked as a secretarial at a private real estate company in a third-tier city, and her income was unremarkable. Unexpectedly, an epidemic, in her words, made the boss develop the habit of defaulting on wages. She and I were childhood playmates, because I studied smoothly back then. After years of struggling, I gradually drifted away from her work and lifestyle, but kept in touch with her and always wanted to convey some positive values ​​to her. I know her family situation, so I often worry about her income status, and I will spare no effort to give her advice, such as studying more, and accumulating capital to seek another career at any time; marriage depends on fate, career depends on oneself, etc., even When I saw a good risk-free entrepreneurial project, I thought of recommending it to her at the first time, but in the end it was nothing. In retrospect, it is possible that in many of our interactions, both sides have accumulated some emotions.

One day, I Wechat her, “I can do the thing I recommended last time, and my friends around me really do it very well.” “I don’t want to do it, I’m lazy.” “You can try it, you can also be idle.” “I won’t do it.” I was a little angry. She didn’t even bother to perfuse me. I replied, “Well, you are a small public servant, we can’t compare with you.” The chat was over, and I didn’t. What do you think, it’s just a feeling of hating iron but not steel. That night, I wanted to ask her something, but couldn’t post it, and found out that she even deleted me from WeChat friends!

At that moment, I had mixed feelings in my heart. I recalled many scenes in the past. I thought of some of the things I had done for her without paying any attention. How could I not understand, what kind of deep hatred did she have that could blacken her family? After complaining to the elders, they said it was okay, don’t care about her, we will coax her tomorrow. But my mood was still unable to calm down, and I was panicked. At this time, I thought of Byron Katie’s homework. Katie said that if you don’t experience peace, it is a worksheet. All conflicts can be resolved on paper. Okay, so I dubiously took out a pen and paper, and tried to write down the criticisms against her. If I didn’t write it, I didn’t know. When I wrote it like a flood that opened the gate, I realized for the first time that I was advertised as helpful. When teaching people to be positive everywhere, there are so many complaints and dissatisfaction. I wrote:

I am very angry with her because she has no purpose in life and does not seek to make progress. I want her to accept my suggestion. I want her to try different things. I want her to learn new things. She shouldn’t be so lazy. She shouldn’t delete my WeChat, she shouldn’t treat her sister roughly. I need her to apologize to me immediately. I need her to communicate politely with me. I need her to thank me for taking care of her all the time. She is lazy, arrogant, unreasonable, stubborn, and incorrigible. I will never be treated so rudely by her again. I never want to talk to her again…

Within a few minutes of work, I completed Katie’s “Worksheet for Criticizing Neighbors” heartily. After finishing writing it, I felt more comfortable and smoother all at once. By the next day, my emotions had completely settled. I took out this piece of paper and looked at it again, comparing it with the four questions and one self-question, and reviewing them one by one.

1. Is this true? 2. Can I be 100% sure that this is true? 3. When I believe this idea, how will I react, how do I treat her, and how do I treat myself? 4What kind of person am I when I don’t have this idea?

When answering the second question in silence, my answer began to loosen up. For the first time, I found out that I couldn’t be sure that this was true. Maybe it is her goal to be ordinary and live safely and steadily every day, but why should I impose my so-called “goal” on her? She squeezes the subway to and from get off work every day, pays off the high mortgage on a regular basis, and complains about the cost of tuition classes for my children. I go shopping with Youzai. She lives in her own house and buys cheap fresh vegetables. , Facing a completely different world. I think the tremendous pressure she faces is just a projection of my current life. When I was criticizing her for having no goal in life and not seeking improvement, I asked myself and replaced the subject with me, “I have no purpose in life and don’t seek improvement”. Is it also a fact, and is it equally true? ?

I calmed down and slowly looked back at my daily life, suddenly feeling so shocked. I saw myself like a wind-up alarm clock, walking non-stop, and like a worker on an assembly line, playing a self-proclaimed high-end brain game, completing my daily work programmatically. Only now I know that this is like the obsessive pianist in the movie “Spiritual Journey”, but also like the obsessive fund manager, they are not too different. A positive statement is selflessness, and a negative statement is unknowingly addicted. Are these my goals in life? I saw myself, stretched out my long hand to point out my sister’s life and made irresponsible remarks; I saw myself, surrounded by colleagues, complaining about work, complaining about personnel; I saw myself, and focused on my children On my body, I grasped his study and hobbies, and the books on my bookshelf fell into a thick layer of dust…Is my spiritual life motivated?

Is she arrogant, stubborn, and hopeless? In turn, I am arrogant, stubborn, and incorrigible. Oh my god, how am I different in that situation! I stand in the perspective of a successful person, being high above, and instructing her on how to live a good life; when she says from time to time, I don’t listen to her seriously, but still give advice in my own way. I am very arrogant and self-righteous; When I made another choice, I still stubbornly believed that she should try… just like that, I reflected and reversed every thought, and found many root problems in myself, and sighed more and more.” The wisdom of criticizing the neighbor’s worksheet, especially the power of self-examination and introspection, is like a stroke of god.

Source of “Criticize Neighbor Worksheet”
So why start by criticizing others to explore yourself? The “Criticizing Neighbor Worksheet” was invented by Byron Katie, a famous American spiritual mentor and creator of One Thought Turn. Katie has experienced depression for ten years and awakened to the truth when she was 43 years old, realizing that all the pain comes from our thoughts and opinions.

Katie spent a long time alone in the desert near her home, focusing on listening to her inner voices. The stories that have plagued all human beings since ancient times emerged in her heart, until every concept appeared clearly. She found that the voices that bring trouble to people always surround me. I am angry/angry/desperate/anxious… (emotional words) because…; what do I want others to do; what they should not do; what do I need others That way; others are selfish and stingy… (adjective); I will never experience…, these words are repeated in my heart over and over again, so the 6 questions on the worksheet to criticize others are almost formed.

Katie said that she is often asked, “I know that all problems are caused by me, why should I criticize others?” Katie’s answer is, “I understand, but please trust this exercise and criticize the people around you. Follow the simple instructions to try it out. You can write about parents, spouses, children, brothers and sisters, neighbors, friends, enemies, bosses, employees, colleagues, and even God. Usually, the closer you choose, the more effective it is to ask yourself. The more obvious”. Katie’s experience is that the teachers we need most are often the people who live with us every day, and there is no master who sees more clearly than our spouse, parents and children. Before we can face the facts, they show us again and again the truth we don’t want to see.

In the book “The Turn of One Mind”, Katie further elaborated on the intention of her design. If you treat yourself as the object of criticism from the beginning, that is, criticize yourself in the first practice, people’s answers will often be scheming, and the solutions used will easily lead to no success. When the condemnation is turned outward, once the focus is not on yourself, you can relax more and criticize others for what you should do, how you should live, who you should associate with, and so on. We are all clear and honest. If you don’t believe it, you can pay attention to whether everyone in the office is like an expert on other people’s problems when they gossip. Usually we have extraordinary insights into others, but we can’t see ourselves at all. Practice criticizing the neighbor’s worksheets, which will make you recognize who others are to recognize who you are. In the end, you Eventually, you will understand that all people and everything outside of you are projections of your own thoughts. Therefore, we must start by criticizing others and then thinking backwards. This process is the most direct way to understand ourselves.

How to write a “worksheet for criticizing neighbors”?
When writing a worksheet to criticize neighbors, you need to calmly bring yourself to a specific scene. Just like in the opening story, I went back to that moment completely in my mind, holding my phone, sitting on a chair, and found that I could not send pictures to my sister, and realized that she deleted me from WeChat friends, my The moment when anger, grievance and incomprehension came to my heart all at once.

Whether it’s the past, present or future, any scene that makes you feel the strongest emotions may emerge from someone you hate, someone who makes you angry and sad, or someone who makes you feel confused, no matter you What kind of people think they are, try to restore that scene as much as possible, and return to that “dream”. What happened between you and him at that time, what did you say, what were your emotional and behavioral reactions to each other? Then, please write your comment directly.

“Spiritual Journey” poster. If we are too obsessed with certain questions, it is better to try to find answers to the questions by ourselves.

When you first started writing, you might find it strange, because we have always been taught not to criticize others. However, in fact, we often criticize others. The criticism of others in our minds has not stopped for a moment. Now we finally have the opportunity to vent these voices on paper. The safety is that we don’t have to worry about being blamed or spread by others. You can write freely. This is an opportunity for self-talk, because after asking yourself, you will find that even the most despicable ideas will turn around, allowing you to see more understanding, understanding others, and understanding yourself.

The reason why we need to write those thoughts on paper is because if we only use our brains for reflection, our thinking will not be so clear, and it will be easy to be played around by the soul, and even before you realize it, that may bring you The idea of ​​insight has long passed by, and you are overwhelmed by other stories trying to justify. The human mind defends itself so fast, we have to rely on writing to intercept them one by one. Once your mind pauses on the paper, your thoughts are stabilized, and you can ask yourself. On the surface, it seems that the worksheet we made to criticize neighbors is aimed at a certain person. In fact, we are dealing with all our thoughts about people. For example, your entire critical worksheet is written by your mother. Later I found out that the relationship between you and your child and your lover will also improve, because the problems between you and other people may also be anxious in the same thoughts. The self-questioning session is obviously the most enlightening. The replacement of “he” in all subjects with “I” is not to prove that I am wrong, but to discover another possibility of facts. When we want to preach to others, we might as well return to ourselves and modify ourselves first, and we will know that what we want others to do is just as difficult for ourselves.

As Katie said, “When I realized this, I found that I and the people I criticized were on an equal footing, and I also saw that my outlook on life is not easy for anyone to show. Seeing that we have actually done our best, this is the first step to begin to experience a humble life.”