Many parents will complain that their children are very sensitive, especially emotional, crying constantly every time they are emotional, it is difficult to control themselves, which makes them helpless. At this time, most parents will sternly order their children to “not cry”! At this time, children are often frightened by their parents’ anger and cry more sadly. Parents become more irritated and sanctions are further escalated. In the long run, they will find that children are less and less cooperating. What is this for?
What is the fact?
Crying is a way for children to vent their emotions (adults are also). Once we tell them not to cry, it will bring a lot of harm. For example, they will not know how to feel their emotions, and they will become afraid and timid. Don’t know how to deal with setbacks.
“Don’t cry!” It blocked the channel for children to vent their emotions and allowed them to accumulate more and more negative emotions. He may not cry in front of us, but when he turns around, he will turn this emotion into another kind of energy to vent. . For example, he may bully others in kindergarten, or cause sabotage at home, and once we stop the child from crying, this behavior will make the child tolerant and hinder the relationship with us.
Children become less and less cooperative, which means that their parents prevent the children from expressing their emotions and cause their emotions to be expressed in other ways.
Crying is a channel for children to express their emotions. At the same time, crying is also a language, with various meanings behind it. For example, some children crying is protest, some children crying is venting, sometimes it is his sadness and grievance. Of course, sometimes her crying is purely an effective means to control her parents.
How to do?
There are many solutions to children crying in parenting books. One of the most popular is that when the child is crying, we have to hug her to calm her emotions. This method is very good, it is very demanding of parents, some parents are difficult to do, children are emotional, crying, parents also have emotions, at this time let us simply stand in the perspective of children to understand children’s practices and ignore them. The feelings of adults have created a situation where we all know that “I can’t tell children not to cry, but I don’t know what to do.”
What should we do when the child is crying? You can try these three steps:
1. Parenting must first raise ourselves. To teach children to control their emotions, we must first learn to control our emotions.
Generally, in the scene of a child crying and making a noise, it is often not only the child who is present alone, but also ourselves and even more spectators. When a child cries and makes a lot of noise, there must be some reason. It may be that his wish has not been met, or it may be criticized by us or other reasons.
As the parent present, we did not pay attention to the crying of the child at first, but first to feel our current emotions, because we cannot control the emotions of the child, and we cannot control whether the child is crying or making noise. But we can manage our emotions first. When children have such behaviors and emotions, can we not get angry first, can we control ourselves not to say “Don’t cry” to children, or say something that arouses children’s negative emotions, if we can Control your emotions, so good, we can move on to the next step.
2. When the child is emotional, do not ask, but stabilize his emotions and tell the child that we will wait for him.
The child loses his temper. He is crying. He can’t listen to anything when he is particularly emotional. We ask people not to cry, and we ask people to do this and that right now. In fact, it is all wishful thinking. Imagine that when we adults are sad, complaining or suffering, we are not willing to do anything. How can we ask a child to do this because of our own wishes? In fact, this kind of request at this time will only make the child more aggrieved and cry more intensely. At the same time, communicating with the child at this time has no effect.
What we can really do is to ignore his crying situation, but not to say where to throw the child, and then say: “You cry, cry, you cry.” Or leave him alone. We are standing in a place where he can see, at least we can see where he knows he is safe, where the child is crying, and we ignore him and continue to do our own things. Don’t have a black face and a white face at this time. Black-and-white face is purely to create parent-child conflicts for people who pretend to be black-faced, so the best way is to tell the child, “No one will pretend to be white-faced to coax you. When you are over crying, please come to me. I still love you.
Once we adhere to this approach, we can let the child vent their emotions appropriately. If the child cries because his needs are not met, we can tell him directly that he will not get what he wants after crying.
3. After the child is calm, analyze the reason and help the child find a better solution.
Once a child finds out that he is crying, we will not pay any attention to him, and he really can’t use crying to influence his parents’ decision, he stops crying. He will clean up his emotions and come to a calm negotiation. This time is the best opportunity for us to talk to our children.
When the child is crying, you must tell the child: “You can cry, cry, please remember to come to me after you cry.” We need the child to learn from crying, so we don’t disturb him when he is crying. Because at that time our reaction will give the child a chance, and even cause him to cry more fiercely. What if he just wants to control us by crying?
When he stops crying, the child’s emotions will gradually calm down. This is the best time to educate the child. At this time, we can analyze with the child why she is crying and whether there is a better solution than crying.
Please don’t say “Don’t cry” to your child. Let us give the child the opportunity and time to cry together and wait for her to calm down!