List of last wish
Bai Xiaonuo is the sunniest and most magnanimous attitude towards death among all the dying people I have ever seen. Although she was only 25 years old when she died, she has already reached the limit of life.
One
Bai Xiaonuo is a leukemia patient. She started fighting with leukemia at the age of 15 and waited until she was 25. There was no bone marrow waiting to be matched. When she was 18 years old, she discussed with her family and decided to give up part of the treatment because it was too painful and she wanted to live a normal life.
In the end, they reached an agreement. Bai Xiaonuo left the hospital and began to live the so-called “normal life”-she found a job in a cafe, not tired, laid back, and in a good environment. Of course, she would come to the hospital for a period of time when she was in poor health, and then she would be discharged to continue living.
I met Bai Xiaonuo when she was 21 years old. I was 23 years old that year. Because of the same age, we can talk very well. The day I saw her for the first time, she came to the hospital to be hospitalized, laughing and joking, unlike a critically ill patient.
At that time, I was young and couldn’t hide my worries well. When Bai Xiaonuo sees it, she will say: “I don’t worry anymore, what are you worried about? I will try my best to live, but if that day really comes, we will have nothing to do. right?”
Xiao Nuo has a boyfriend. They have been together for many years. She loves him and appreciates him, because of him, her short life can be complete enough. It’s just that the boy’s parents did not approve of this relationship. Once, I met a boy’s mother who came to see Xiao Nuo. I knew from Xiao Nuo’s expression that the mother was sincere to see her, but she wanted to be separated from the boy.
Bai Xiaonuo did not retreat. She said to the boy’s mother: “I understand you, but do you think he will be freed if he breaks up with me? After I die, he will not finish this with me. Road and regret for life.”
I am very pleased, Xiao Nuo thinks so. I told her that I once had such a relationship. Fortunately, I was as persistent as your boyfriend.
“He, has he passed away?” Bai Xiaonuo was very interested in my relationship.
“Yes, he has passed away.”
He is a volunteer from the United States and we met in the orphanage. He suffers from very serious congenital heart disease. When the doctor pronounced the “death sentence”, he was unwilling to leave the world, thinking of the torture of illness and the hard work of his parents. So he came to China to help children with congenital heart disease like him. Therefore, we met, fell in love, and parted in this situation. Loving him is always the greatest glory of my life.
Bai Xiaonuo suddenly hugged me and asked me gently: “Do you miss him?”
I nodded silently.
“I knew he was sick from the first day I knew him, and I knew that his life had accepted the end, but I still loved him unhesitatingly. Although everyone disagrees, I am glad I went there bravely. I love him. If I do as your boyfriend and mother hoped, I think I will regret it, and such regrets are irreparable. So you are right.”
Bai Xiaonuo cried, and I knew she thought of herself. She said, “Thank you, I will work hard to live, no matter how long I can live, I will work hard.”
But what should happen will happen after all, and human thoughts cannot stop the pace of disease.
Xiao Nuo’s illness can no longer be maintained by medicine. She has chronic bleeding and the doctor recommends chemotherapy immediately.
Xiao Nuo has always refused chemotherapy. Past chemotherapy has almost destroyed and exhausted her whole person. She doesn’t want to live like this.
The doctor said that if she received chemotherapy, she might still survive for 40 months.
“No, I don’t have chemotherapy.” This was Bai Xiaonuo’s decision. Although we—her parents, boyfriend, doctor and I are all trying to persuade her, she seems to have made a choice.
“It’s not the first day that I got this disease. I know it well. Ji Cien, tell me, if it is not because we are friends, if it is not because of feelings, how do you think you should choose when you encounter a case like me? “” Bai Xiaonuo said in a questioning tone.
Yes, she has already seen through me. She was right. Chemotherapy is a bottomless pit. Once it starts, patients will be in endless pain and their life span is prolonged, but people are no longer like individuals.
“I can only say… If it were me, I would not have chemotherapy, but… everyone is different. Some people are willing to do painful treatments as long as they can live longer. So… Means, there is no single answer.” I answered Bai Xiaonuo like this. I didn’t dare to look at her, because I was guilty. At this moment, I am obviously like all my family members, it is for “me”, and I want her to live, because I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want her to suffer pain.
“Tsien, I know what you think. But I tell you my truest thoughts. When I first got leukemia, the doctor said that there was no matching bone marrow and I could only live for 5 years, but it has been 8 years now. I use Live in my own way. In these 8 years, I am actually no different from normal people. I still enjoy the youth that I should enjoy at my age. But now, you want me to go to chemotherapy like those patients and watch myself Her blood turns black a little bit, and then waits with a guilty conscience for death that I don’t know when it will come. Frankly speaking, I can’t do it. I just want to live a day and live a day. 40 months and 4 months, come to me It is said that there is no difference, it is just a number. In 40 months, who will happily send me away? At that time, they will still scold fate or say that the world is unfair. So, I don’t want to be like this People, I want to be like now. So, I can’t get chemotherapy.”
Until now, Bai Xiaonuo’s remarks are still fresh in my memory. I have to admit that it was Xiao Nuo who took me to a brand new field-when we are seriously ill, what kind of medical treatment should we choose?
Of course, she chose the best, least painful, and most decent way for herself-giving up chemotherapy and relying on infusion to maintain basic hematopoietic function, which day will be. As for the length of life, she didn’t care so much about it many years ago.
two
One night, Xiao Nuo called me and said that she had found a very good movie-“The Bucket List” and wanted to watch it with me.
“Bucket List” tells about two cancer patients with different personalities, occupations, and economic conditions. In their last days, they wrote down a “bucket list” and completed them, and then left the world without regret.
I remember it was already 2 o’clock in the morning when I finished watching the movie, and Bai Xiaonuo said, “Come on, get a piece of paper, and we will also write.”
I looked at her stunned, and she said, “I also want to go to the Himalayas like the person in the movie. Can I go in my condition? So, I have to finish my last wish as soon as possible.”
Bai Xiaonuo made a mischievous look at me, suggesting that I “write quickly.” So, in the dead of night, we both wrote our bucket list on paper.
Bai Xiaonuo’s bucket list
1. Go bungee jumping
2. Go to the crematorium
3. Go to university for a class
4. Go to the sea and desert once
5. Watch the sunrise and sunset in one day
6. Say goodbye to every friend
7. Raise a potted flower and watch it grow, flourish, decay, and die
8. Take a portrait with a smiling face
9. Go to the men’s bathroom for one time
10. Naked swimming
That night, I lost sleep.
How much courage does a girl have to face the impending death and be calm? How long has she gone through? Even if I have been with her for a few years, I still don’t know.
She texted me the next day, hoping that I would go to the crematorium with her. She said she wanted to see the last stop of her life. On the day we went, we didn’t speak much, just held hands. Yeah, this is after all two living people going to the crematorium. When they arrived at the crematorium, Xiao Nuo and the guard said: “I will be here soon, can I visit it first?”
The guard looked stunned, but let us in anyway.
Later, Xiao Nuo finally completed all the things on her bucket list. She said: “Although the intention is still unfinished, it seems to be enough.”
“I want to go there and tell them proudly that although I have had leukemia for 10 years, I have no pain. I am doing a great job on the road of loving myself.”
At this point, I think Xiaonuo already knows that his days are running out.
That afternoon, the sun was good, and a ray of sunlight shone straight on Xiao Nuo’s face. At this time, she could no longer go to the ground. She was lying on the hospital bed every day, infused with fluids and plugged in a ventilator, but still did not change her generous and hearty attitude.
She sang “It’s Sunny Today”, and we sang this song together later. This song is an episode in the TV series “Han Zhu Ge Ge”. Ziwei and Xiao Yanzi sang this song when they went to the guillotine. Maybe, she was encouraging herself, and she had to be as brave as they were.
This was the last time we talked. The next day, she fell into a coma, and three days later, she passed away. She walked very peacefully, without struggle, without pain, lying on the bed quietly, as if her heart stopped beating in her sleep.
Bai Xiaonuo’s last days were very peaceful and peaceful. She did not take any medical methods that would cause pain from beginning to end. She repeatedly told her parents, boyfriend, doctors and nurses not to intubate her or to rescue her. She wanted to leave quietly. In the end, everyone respected her wishes.
On the day of Xiao Nuo’s burial, I stood at the back and sang “It’s Sunny Today” gently to her. I think there is nothing that can destroy a person full of power.
Xiao Nuo, I am very grateful to you, thank you for allowing me to exist in your life, let me see a different side of a severely ill patient, let me see the fragility and brilliance of human nature.
How about you, have you come to a new world, is it still sunny, with sea and desert, happiness and sadness? I believe that you, Bai Xiaonuo, will always lead a glorious life.
