In life, we often see situations where the boundaries between ourselves are blurred.
For example: Why do the more I want to be close to the people in my dorm, the more they alienate me? Why do I always take the initiative to do things for everyone, but no one cares when I have difficulties? Why did I tell her all my secrets, but couldn’t hear a word from her heart? I am the eldest son of the family and I have no ability or willingness to take care of my younger siblings when I grow up. Am I selfish? As an adult, I enjoy the care of my parents financially, and I am tired of their control. Am I bad? When my parents said to me, “How much have I paid for you, how should you do”, is it unfilial for me to resist?
Why is self-definition unclear?
Self-boundary refers to clearly knowing the scope of responsibility and rights of oneself and others in interpersonal relationships, which can protect one’s personal space without infringing on the personal space of others. From the perspective of psychological development, self boundaries are gradually formed and are the result of spiritual growth. At birth, a person is first physically separated from his mother, and then gradually separated from his mother. In this process, many people are not completely separated from their mothers psychologically, forming a situation where one part is separated from the mother and the other part is still connected. This is an incomplete growth. To put it another way, it is: in this situation, the boundary between his self and his mother is not clear. Even if there is no mother, he will look for a substitute for his mother.
Generalized to other interpersonal relationships, it is manifested as always expecting to be one with others: showing one’s heart to others too much, relying too much on others, hoping that others make decisions for oneself; or want to understand too much In the hearts of others, too much want others to rely on themselves, hoping to participate in some decisions of others.
These are all manifestations of the mind not really growing up.
Why doesn’t the mind really grow up?
Can get a sense of security
Security is one of the basic needs of people. An adult whose mind has not really grown up will subconsciously think that as long as he becomes a person with another person, he will feel safe. In this process, the boundaries of the self become blurred.
Can get warmth
When we touch a furry object with unknown borders, we feel a certain kind of warmth. The same is true psychologically. When we feel that we are not clear with a person, we can also feel the warmth from the other person. For this kind of warmth, we are even more unclear.
Can control others
People with unclear self boundaries are often not very confident, and they are not sure that others will be good to him. By relying on others to control others’ attitudes towards them, they can make themselves feel more confident.
However, these “benefits” are not real benefits. In other words, how can the sense of security built on others be reliable? How can imaginary warmth always warm the heart? Always have a blind desire to control others. How can there be harmonious interpersonal relationships?
Therefore, we should strive to grow our mind and form a clear psychological boundary for ourselves. People with clear boundaries do not need emotional and action support from others, but they will not be so close to losing themselves when they are close to others, and while maintaining a reasonable distance from others, they will not lose their love for each other.
Since the formation of self-boundary is a process of spiritual growth, it also requires long-term subjective effort to clarify self-boundary psychologically. First of all, we must figure out which views, emotions and behaviors in which we are not clear with others. Then, learn to draw clear lines one by one in those unclear areas, so that you can get out of the misunderstanding of your own boundaries. The following are the misunderstandings that need to be overcome one by one.
Eight Misunderstandings of Self-Boundary
◎ One of the misunderstandings: You are my only one
No one in the world can live on with only one “one”. The so-called “two-person world” is nothing but fantasy. Using illusions to demand others will only make both parties overly dependent and lose their personality independence, and it will easily ruin each other’s feelings. No matter how close the relationship between the two parties is, they are still two independent individuals, each with their own pursuits, hobbies, friends and lifestyles.
◎ Misunderstanding 2: We are intimate
“Intimateness” is not an ideal model of interpersonal relationship. No matter how close it is, there should be “interpersonal”. Will it not lose oneself to the degree of intimacy? Distance is the oxygen the soul needs. Without oxygen, the soul will suffocate. Everyone needs to have their own psychological space, and they don’t want anyone to get involved, including parents, brothers and their loved ones.
◎ Misunderstanding 3: You are responsible for my affairs
Others can help you, but helping you is not the responsibility and obligation of others. Relying entirely on outside help, can not get you out of difficulties and pain. The most important thing to do is to be clear and take on your own responsibilities, and know clearly what results your actions will bring. In the same way, you have to return the responsibility of others to them. If your parents have been forcing you to marry or have a second child, they will be unhappy if you don’t do so, then you have to tell yourself that happiness and happiness are only their own business and have nothing to do with you. In this world, no one person can be responsible for the happiness and happiness of another person, and so are you.
◎ Misunderstanding 4:
I think you should know
No one can be the roundworm in your stomach, no matter how close you are, it is impossible to think of your needs all the time, and no one is born to “should” know what you are thinking. No two leaves are exactly the same, and no two people are exactly the same. When you need others, express it in time and don’t let others guess.
◎ Misunderstanding No. 5:
How can you not be when i need it
Maybe you often criticize others like this, and maybe you will be criticized like this from time to time. However, no one is your shadow, it is impossible to follow you all the time. When encountering a problem, you must first rely on yourself and ask for help, but don’t wait for others to fall from the sky, let alone blame others for not having the ability to fall from the sky.
◎ Misunderstanding No. 6: One family does not say two things
The family should be closer, but don’t forget your brothers and settle accounts. The family also needs to have personal boundaries: the father should be the father, the children should have children, the husband is the husband, and the wife is the wife. More importantly, the people around you are not all your family members.
◎ Misunderstanding No. 7: You owe me an emotional debt
Everyone has different ways of calculating emotions. How to pay off emotional debt? Don’t use feelings as a weight to control others. You can love others with all your heart, but don’t force them to love yourself as well.
◎ Misunderstanding No. 8: Why abandon me
All good things come to an end. In many cases, it is only natural choice for others to leave you. There is no special reason, let alone abandoning you. You have to learn to bear the separation, and bear the reality that even the closest person will never become one.
How to get out of the misunderstanding of self-boundary?
It takes some mental pain to get out of the misunderstanding of self-boundary. However, your mind will mature. Why not do it?
Contradictions and conflicts between people are largely due to the unclear boundaries of self. Either take other people’s affairs as your own, or take your own affairs as other people’s affairs, ask others to bear it, and ask others for explanations, and it makes no one comfortable.
Only by clarifying the boundaries of ourselves can we put down what we should put down and pick up what we should pick up. Maintain your own boundaries, be responsible for what you are responsible for, do not point fingers at matters other than power and responsibilities, and at the same time do not manipulate others, your interpersonal relationship will be more harmonious and pleasant.