It’s like people and people, too close, breathing will not be so smooth. Love also needs breathing.
“He is a good husband, he just doesn’t want to make friends with me”
Lin Lin came to the consultation room with her husband Meng Da. Lin Lin said directly: “I asked for a divorce. Actually, we don’t want a divorce, but I know there is a problem between us.” Before I could speak, Meng Da continued: “I don’t want a divorce.” So, I asked. They talk about the current state of marriage.
Lin Lin glanced at Meng Da and motioned for him to speak first. From Meng Da’s narrative, I learned that the “post-90s” couple had been married for less than two years and had no children. When we first got together, it was like glue; everything went smoothly after marriage and got along well. When Meng Da finished describing this part, he stopped and did not continue.
At this time, Lin Lin said: “He is a good husband, and he just doesn’t want to have sex with me. We have been in love for two years, we have been married for two years, and we are still in love very often, but less than half a year after we get married, the sex life gradually decreases, even Only once in three or four months.” After speaking, she paused for a while, as if waiting for Meng Da, Meng Da still did not speak. “I took the initiative many times, but I always returned disappointed. He always said that he was stressed and not in the mood. Teacher, you said, we are still very young. Can a man at this age live without sex? Can I? Suspect him cheating? I want to come, I would rather he cheating!”
Lin Lin said that when her sex life first decreased, she really felt that Mengda was under pressure at work, and she also understood. She also thought about various methods, wearing erotic underwear and buying toys, but they didn’t have much effect. So she began to doubt. First, I suspected that Mengda was cheating, but he was still that good man, working regularly, doing housework, and accompany her to play dramas and go shopping. She also doubted whether Mengda had sexual dysfunction, because the process did not go well many times, until she accidentally found Mengda hiding in the room masturbating. It turns out that he has physical needs, so why is he unwilling? So, she wondered whether she was unattractive when she came to herself? Because the desire was not satisfied, she even had the idea of cheating, which made her both scared and ashamed.
Lin Lin also wanted to work hard for this marriage. She even gave up shopping for dramas and played mobile games with Meng Da, but Meng Da still escaped the life of husband and wife for various reasons. Lin Lin felt that such a life was very tormenting, and she wanted to get a divorce, but Mengda’s care made her very contradictory, and Mengda didn’t want a divorce at all. Finally, they decided to come and consult together. Lin Lin clearly expressed her married life with Meng Da, which made her experience a sense of personal meaninglessness, while Meng Da only repeatedly expressed that she did not want to divorce and would be kind to Lin Lin. Meng Da’s repetition stimulated Lin Lin again: “You are already fine, I don’t want to listen anymore!”
We often think that if there is a sexual problem between a couple, it is mostly because of a problem in the intimate relationship between the two parties. But the intimate relationship of the couple did not present any problems. Therefore, I discussed with them and conducted some individual interviews with the couple in the follow-up consultation.
What is it that suppresses his sex
The family is the birthplace of personality. We will learn from the family the mode of interpersonal communication, including intimacy and sex. In a separate interview, we started with Mengda’s growth environment.
Since childhood, Mengda’s father has been drinking and domestic violence, his father’s bad temper and mother’s grief are his childhood gloom. He has always hoped that his mother can leave his father, but his mother has been forbearing. He knew it was all for him. As a little boy, Mengda could not do much, so he could only try to comfort his mother’s injury. He was obedient and sensible, studied well, and became mother’s hope and comfort. His mother also regarded him as a watch for her emotions and soul. Only he can make her happy, and only he can make her less lonely and sad. The son’s outstanding performance finally proved the value and significance of his mother in this unfortunate marriage.
Meng Da said that it is not easy for his mother. If it were not for his mother, he would not study so hard. At the same time, he feels that discussing the family’s growth environment does not make much sense to his marriage. So, I asked him: “Do you want my mother to get a divorce?” “I hope so that she won’t be so sad.” “If my mother is divorced then, what would you think of yourself?” Hearing this question, Meng Da fell silent.
He never doubted his mother’s deep love for him, but his mother’s love has always been a heavy burden on him. Meng Da said that he never fell in love until the university. Although he is eager, but he can not live up to his mother’s expectations. Later, when he met Lin Lin, he vowed to be nice to her. The vows are not only romantic and beautiful, but also hidden responsibilities and obligations. Because his intimate relationship from the beginning, with the heavy weight attached to the past love.
Although they are in love, they are still independent individuals, and there is still space between them. The marriage life, especially the sex life, made him experience the fear of losing himself in the high degree of psychological and physical integration. Because Meng Da learned to inherit his mother’s emotions since he was a child, his growth experience made it difficult for him to have his own psychological space. Meng Da said that he loved Lin Lin very much, and he also noticed that the deeper the relationship with Lin Lin, the more he suppressed his sex. And the high degree of intimacy fusion made him longing, and at the same time awakened his fear of being swallowed. Intimacy triggered the fear of being swallowed. Fear made him suppress his sex.
Intimacy fear is more common in men, especially Chinese men. Because many boys have been tightly attached to their mothers since they were young, there are reasons for the absence of fathers and the reasons for mothers to hold on to their sons, and the relationship between mother and child lacks a gap. This is why many men will light a cigarette, play a game, or even sit up and work for a while after sex. This is the highly integrated state of the subconscious before prompting them to leave, and through these methods, the psychological distance between two people is re-established.
When we talked about this part, Mengda sighed. Before, he had always felt guilty for Lin Lin, feeling that he had not fulfilled his husband’s due responsibilities, and felt that he did not love his wife anymore. In fact, it is precisely when he loves her so much that responsibility and obligation are above all else, his sex is suppressed.
Love also needs breathing
“Then what should I do?” Mengda asked eagerly.
Both parties in an intimate relationship influence each other. So, I once again let the couple come to the consultation room together. Lin Lin needs to know Meng Da’s inner changes, and Meng Da also needs to see the influence of Lin Lin’s attitude on the relationship.
This time, we sorted out the influence of husband and wife on each other. Because of Meng Da’s fear of intimacy, Lin Lin felt that she was not valued and worthless in her relationship. Lin Lin was suspicious and nervous out of her desire for intimacy, and therefore gave up part of her life. However, Lin Lin’s efforts not only failed to increase the intimacy between husband and wife, but on the contrary caused Mengda to produce more psychological pressure, and this part of the pressure made him suppress sex. Because apart from the sexual aspect, he has no other way to express the space he needs. He cannot refuse Lin Lin, nor does he allow himself to refuse, because he puts care and responsibility in a high position. But he couldn’t and would not express himself, so his depression finally manifested in the physical and sexual aspects. As a result, their intimate relationship seems to have become a vicious circle, becoming increasingly immobile.
Since the sense of space is the “cause”, then we start to untie the knot from this “cause”. When Mengda has only responsibility for his wife, his wife seems to have become someone who needs to be taken care of, not an intimate need; when Lin Lin has fear and shame in the relationship, her husband seems to have become someone who can prove her worth , Not an independent individual. We discussed together, and finally they decided to make themselves an independent individual again, after all, they both still love each other deeply.
Lin Lin began to pay more attention to herself, and no longer gave up her interest in drama series to play mobile games with her husband, because she knew that Meng Da’s performance was not because of not loving her, but because of his own growth factors. Caused. So she no longer has to worry about whether she is unimportant. And Mengda still needs a period of separate consultation to deal with the problems between him and his parents.
We need intimacy and independence. If the distance is too far, we cannot connect; if the distance is too close, we will lose our personality. And what attracts each other at the beginning is not the uniqueness of each other? Let love reserve a space so that intimacy can flow more freely between each other. Just like people and people, too close, breathing will not be so smooth. Love also needs breathing.