Is your “narcissism” excessive
In ancient Greek mythology, the handsome-looking Narcissus was punished by the nemesis, making him fall in love with the most beautiful person in the world-himself. When he saw his beautiful reflection in the water, he never wanted to leave. In order to regain his freedom, he plunged into the water and drowned, turning into a daffodil. So there is such an adjective-narcissism (narcissus), which is what we often call “narcissism.”
In psychology and psychoanalysis, healthy narcissism is also called self-confidence. Such people often think that they are loved. Unhealthy narcissism is manifested as excessive self-esteem, self-narcissism, and exaggeration of the strengths of oneself, but thinking that oneself is not loved. They pay too much attention to themselves and do not pay attention to others, but they are extremely eager for external affirmation. They always want to show that they are excellent, even at the expense of others to highlight themselves.
Psychiatrists and clinical psychologists have analyzed that excessively narcissistic people are related to their early experiences. If you don’t get maternal love and good care at around 0-1, you are prone to inferiority. But if you don’t feel continuous maternal love and care around the age of 1-3, you may develop narcissism, and you will always want to ask for love by proving yourself and showing that you are worthy of being loved.
Excessive narcissism may become pathological.
How to judge whether you are overly narcissistic
17-year-old Xiaoxin (pseudonym) has been paying more and more attention to her external appearance since entering middle school. She spends a lot of time taking selfies. There is also a small mirror hidden in her stationery bag, and she often takes out photos, even during class time.
Because she has art expertise since she was a child, and is good at singing and dancing, Xiaoxin often takes the initiative to participate in class and school performances or competitions, and will also receive some awards for her outstanding performance. In life, Xiaoxin will also take out snacks to share with others, joking with classmates, etc. When being praised, Xiaoxin can be happy for several days, and will frequently post her achievements and others on WeChat Moments and Weibo Appreciation of yourself.
Once, the tablemate cried because she made inappropriate jokes and felt disrespected, but she felt that the tablemate was unreasonable. When a classmate really said that she was not good, she would go into rage and even verbally attack others on WeChat. For this reason, some classmates complained that she was bullying on campus.
He always pleases others intentionally, but sometimes he is arrogant. Xiaoxin is considered by everyone as a person who always likes to communicate with others with utilitarian purposes, but Xiaoxin thinks: I am good to others, but others do not appreciate it.
In terms of learning, Xiaoxin also wants to achieve excellent results, relatively speaking, he works harder, but due to lack of focus and humility, Xiaoxin’s academic performance is very unstable. She is always very sensitive to the teacher’s criticism, and sometimes, even if the teacher raises her problems, she can’t listen to it. She thinks that she has done well enough because the teacher is too picky.
Due to work reasons, Xiaoxin’s mother weaned Xiaoxin when she was 8 months old and gave it to her grandparents to take care of her. It was not until Xiaoxin went to kindergarten to take care of her by herself. Although her mother can usually take care of her, because of her busy schedule, Xiaoxin has many complaints to her mother, and she seldom understands her hard work.
When she expected her perfect performance to be recognized, but did not get good results, she was sometimes depressed, sometimes irritable, and tortured.
Xiaoxin in the case showed excessive narcissism.
Xiaoxin is in puberty, which is the third critical period and golden period after the development of self-cognition in infants and young children. Healthy narcissism at this stage can develop self-identity and avoid confusion of self-consciousness.
In fact, the phenomenon of excessive narcissism like Xiaoxin is somewhat representative. Although every personality trait has its advantages and disadvantages, if you can continuously improve it through your own growth as you grow up-to be moderately narcissistic, you can avoid being avenged by reality like Narcissus in Greek mythology. “Goddess”.
How to be moderately “narcissistic”
Psychologists Ruft and Ingehan proposed the “Zhou Hari Window” model of self-cognition. The “window” refers to the human heart. Zhou Hari Window shows four areas of self-cognition segmentation:
Public area: the part that you know that others also know;
Privacy zone: the part that you know but others don’t;
Blind spot: it is the part that you don’t know but others know;
Potential zone: It is a place that you and others do not know.
Be moderately narcissistic and allow yourself to accept your beautiful self and others, believing that you don’t need to prove that you are enough to be loved and can love others and the world. “Xiaoxins” who are aware of excessive narcissism and look forward to self-improvement and self-growth can use the tool of Zhou Hari Window to do the following:
1. Expand the public area and let “narcissism” help “other love”
Be sincere and proactive in your life to help others, rather than with the mentality of “I help you, you have to be grateful and identify with me”.
Xiaoxins all have the advantage of making themselves narcissistic. If you can help your classmates in the field you are good at, you can help many people with your own light.
With this kind of love consciousness, in daily communication, Xiaoxins can put themselves more in the consideration of others and learn to empathize with their peers and family members. Whether facing relatives, friends, or classmates, you can learn to care about the emotions of others first, instead of first accusing and complaining later.
On public platforms such as Moments, you can not only show yourself, but also expose others. Learn to praise others while admiring yourself. If you can do more exercises like this and consider others from the perspective of paying attention to yourself, you can let Xiaoxin be understood by people around you, and gain respect and trust.
2. Reduce the privacy zone and detect the information behind “narcissism”
People who are overly narcissistic hide a lot of information from themselves and are often ignored by themselves.
The privacy zone has three floors. The first level of self-concealment is a secret that cannot be known to others. For example, Xiaoxin hid a small mirror in her stationery bag and other secrets like this. What hides behind it is actually the deepest need, just like infants and young children feel safe and happy when they see their mothers. People who are overly narcissistic. Seeing yourself creates a sense of security and joy.
The second layer of self-concealment is to make yourself feel ashamed. Perhaps due to the influence of growth experience, Xiaoxins feel very sensitive when they are not recognized, and they have a super defense system. Because they have not learned to perceive and express reasonably, when the defensive alarm goes off, the pleased Xiaoxins will carry out defensive attacks with the victim thinking of “I am so good and you still don’t love me”. Therefore, emotional catharsis methods such as verbal attacks on others on WeChat have emerged. Overly narcissistic Xiaoxins have a strong hidden desire to be loved, but it is difficult for others to understand.
The third layer of self-concealment is the part that I feel unimportant and forget to express. Xiaoxins will think that they are not deliberately flaunting themselves, but forgot or neglected to express their appreciation to others. When criticized by her parents, Xiaoxin didn’t mean to go crazy, but felt that if she didn’t say it, her parents should know what she was thinking. You know, parents most want to know what their children are thinking, but they generally haven’t done it yet.
Xiaoxins must learn to express the hidden information in a timely and reasonable manner: “When… (describe the facts), I feel… (describe the feeling), I expect… (describe the need)”. Through awareness, expressing more of what you see, feel and need, and reduce the privacy zone, Xiaoxin can gain understanding and empathy.
3. Reveal the blind spots and help “narcissism” with “other love”
Accepting valuable criticism is of great benefit to the growth of Xiaoxins, but it is not easy. Xiaoxins often fear that they are not good enough. Awareness is the beginning of change. Only by discovering the fear of oneself can you bravely face your true self. This requires more practice to interpret the intentions of others positively in order to eliminate the hedgehog-like psychological defense. Xiaoxins can take a deep breath for 3 seconds when the emotions come, and in the present moment, use a growth mindset to suggest from me: “Great! I have learned new content again!” “Great! I can again Grow up!” Acceptance of others is the psychological cornerstone that allows them to take care of their narcissism and his love.
4. Tap into potential areas and turn “narcissism” into self-confidence
You can use the method of discovering a good thing every day to record the changes that occur through your own efforts.
In fact, Xiaoxin will have some valuable experience of their own. In the case, Xiaoxin was said to be arrogant by her classmates, but she smiled and replied: “Self, comfortable; big and tolerant is great. Thank you for complimenting.” This kind of narcissism did not deliberately belittle the other party. Communication and dialogue is a growth story that can reflect a win-win situation when communicating, and it is also the hidden potential of Xiaoxins to care for others.
Studies have shown that people with narcissistic personality tendencies are more explosive because they are eager to be satisfied, that is, they tend to dig out their life potential to achieve the best of all possible endings in their lives .
I hope that through the Zhou Hari window, Xiaoxin can get to know themselves more comprehensively and objectively. Only moderate narcissism-sincerely loving yourself and believing in yourself, can you sincerely love others and the world.
