I thought I would never be like her

  Mom has been gone for more than three years.
  I used to think that if one day I became a mother, I would not be like my mother. She has always been a shy, timid person, and rarely goes out, a little strange. After I was born, she almost never went out, probably only when I was still alive, she would go out twice a year and take me to my family. In fact, we live in the same city as our uncle, and we just come back for a lunch and a nap each time. She doesn’t like to be in touch with people. She comes out only when the guests are familiar.
  As a kid, I always thought my mother was a little different. For many years, I thought I was completely different from her.
  I don’t want to be as shy as my mother, but finally I’m still like her.
  For example, when I was in my twenties, I was the best at dealing with people. The more people there were, the less I knew what to do. At that time, the thing I was most afraid of was participating in the event. The strangers in the audience, I don’t know if I should speak, what to say, and how to avoid talking to others. At that time, my countermeasure was to hide in the bathroom, and I guessed that when someone seemed to come to me outside, I went out.
  I started making movies and TV series, and I faced the hundreds of people in the crew every day, but I was still afraid of all kinds of lively social occasions.
  The most embarrassing thing I remember was attending a film festival in Hong Kong. I stood there and didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just wanted to find a corner to hide, but there were people in the corner. At last I found a tree in the atrium, and stood facing the tree all night. I thought, as long as the tree doesn’t open, no one will talk to me tonight.
  How to deal with people, my mother has never taught me this.
  I have been carrying the book “Tokyo Tower” for a long time. Everywhere in the book, the author recalls the details of his mother, which reminds me of every bit of my mother.
  The author wrote in the book: “I realized from an early age that I must take care of my mother in the future.” This seems to be me. From 2005 to 2015, in these ten years, I watched her life gradually wither. For ten years, I only worked two or three months a year, never traveled, and rarely attended parties. Most of my time was spent with my mother.
  After my mother was hospitalized, I had to bite the bullet and start talking with strangers, asking the doctor about the condition, asking the nurse about nursing knowledge, and talking with everyone who might help her mother cure the disease. I was not good at dealing with people, but now I have to rush ahead. Mom rarely said anything, but I knew she was afraid of tiring me.
  Every once in a while, my mother would ask me, “Why don’t you keep on filming? Is it okay for you to stay like this?” I was by her. She was enjoying and contradictory. Every time she said this, she was really reluctant, but she seriously hoped that I would live my own life.
  When did the author of “Tokyo Tower” understand what the word “mother” meant? The book states that in the last days, his mother became unconscious. After waking up, she suddenly woke up and said to her son, go, there are sauces made of eggplant in the refrigerator, eggplant made. Maybe at that moment.
  When did I understand the word “mother”?
  One week after my wedding, my mother’s condition suddenly became dangerous. She had a high fever for a week, and she could not cool down even lying on an ice pad. I don’t know how long she can last. Standing in the long corridor of the hospital, I realized that even though I had imagined my mother would leave me countless times, I still wondered: Is this moment really coming?
  It was also at that moment that I remembered the scene when I died. In my last days, watching my mother take care of me, I suddenly felt strange. At that time, she was very strong and calm, different from what I usually see: she had done the work alone, and she could also radiate a kind of power all over her. What I was facing was the situation of my mother. Anyone who looks so weak can be so strong, and I want to be like her.
  That was the first time, and I clearly understood that I wanted to be like my mother.
  Two months later, Mom left.
  ”Tokyo Tower”, said: “This is my worst fears of childhood, than an alien invasion, than the end of the earth also scares me one day.”
  Mom was gone for two years, I eat delicious things Still suddenly sad, thinking that this is something my mother hasn’t eaten. When I get to a fun place, I will also think, but unfortunately my mother doesn’t know how good it is. I used to think that in her life she was playing the role of being cared for, taken care of by my dad, taken care of by my brother, taken care of by me. It wasn’t until she left that I found out that she was taking care of us in her best efforts.
  After my mother left, the house was always a little messy, and it was a little messy how to clean it up. Dad always gets the wrong clothes every time he changes clothes, and he can’t support a plant in the family. As the book says, food, clothes, and time are all measurable, but a mother’s long love cannot be calculated by weight or amount.
  And I, more and more like my mother in the trivial details of life, rigorous to a little paranoid. But I also have many places that are not like her at all. I am no longer afraid to attend events, no longer afraid to socialize, and am willing to make friends with strangers. I travel everywhere and enjoy taking care of guests from far away.
  I think, maybe it’s not that I have been with my mother all the time, but that she has grown up with me. She shaped me. She gave me a gift that made me a person who was not her, but was close to her in the bones, a person who could take care of herself and others, and a stronger person .
  I have two decree lines. This was originally the place that bothered me, but every time I see it in the mirror, I feel warm. This makes me look a lot like mom, so nice.