Life is a long river. In the river of time, no one can step into the same river twice. No matter when and where we enter, we are entering different rivers of time.
I have always believed in this statement. The river of time keeps flowing to the future, and I know that I can never return to the river of time in the past. I have only one river of life. No matter how I recall the past and imagine the future, I can only experience my own river of time.
It wasn’t until my mother died more than 3 years ago that I found that my own river of time became complicated, as if in addition to my own one, there was also a mother’s river of time, flowing along with the river of my life.
When my mother was alive, I never thought that the river of mother’s life and mine would be so entangled. Although my river of life flows from the source of my mother’s womb, this self-conceived river has already rushed to the ocean of life like a river. I have long forgotten the fluctuations of amniotic fluid in my mother’s womb, and I have long since remembered the earliest source of the river in my time.
After the mother left, she was no longer just the mother in that mother-daughter relationship. I suddenly realized that the mother was a woman and she had her own time. The most bizarre thing was that I started to feel the connection between my mother’s time river and me. I found that as the mother passed away, the river of mother’s time was reborn in my life.
My mother was only 20 years old when I was born, and I graduated from a normal school for more than a year. The mother was an arrogant woman. She didn’t want to go into marriage at such a young age to take on the responsibilities of the family and mother. But fate arranged for her a way that she was not willing to take. When her mother was 18 years old, her father from Jiangsu Province met her in a pharmacy in Tainan. My father looked after this fair, shy girl. After paying a large sum of money, Grandpa promised her father’s marriage and asked their eldest daughter to marry a 14-year-old man.
By worldly standards, her mother got married well. She didn’t actually need to teach in elementary school, but she insisted on being a working woman.
I looked at the picture of my mother when she got married, and I entered the river of her time with me who was in the river of 19 years old. I am 19 years old and I am a young girl who is violent and full of enthusiasm for art and love. My life just started to stretch towards the sea with infinite possibilities, but my mother’s life has been regulated by society and family into a canal, carrying various traditional responsibilities.
Mother’s personal unwillingness replaced her entire family’s stability. Before his father was alone in Taiwan and married his mother, he afforded the living and education expenses of his mother’s family and became the most filial son-in-law of relatives and friends. On the scales of life, the father may have paid too much; but on the scales of the relationship with his mother, he also got a lot.
Did your mother fall in love before marriage? Before 18 years old, did she have longing for girlish feelings? My mother told me when I was 17 that I was too wild and lived away from home and told me that she had difficulty in studying. After graduating from junior high school, her mother was unable to continue her high school due to family circumstances and had to go to the cafeteria to work. However, the mother’s junior high school teacher insisted that the good student, who has always been the first in the school, continue to study. He enrolled her for the entrance exam to a normal school, and her mother passed the first place. He went to her home to persuade her parents, telling them that there was no need to spend money on normal school, and that the school would give pocket money every month to supplement the family, so the mother got the opportunity to study.
Has this male teacher who helped her ever made her a female student feel like a girl?
At that time, the 37-year-old mother always adopted a laissez-faire style of discipline to me at the age of 17, because she hoped that I could have a life that she never had, but she also did not want me to embark on a difficult road because of being too wild.
I ’m 17 years old, but I ca n’t understand a 37-year-old mother, or even a 17-year-old myself, and even a 17-year-old mother. My mother left the world at the age of 67. At the age of 47, I suddenly stepped into the river of mother’s time.
The 47-year-old, I already understood what the 17-year-old was all about, and also understood the life status of my mother at the age of 17. But before my mother died, did I ever feel her river of time, and I never thought she had a time as a girl?
I am 47 years old and I know my 37 years old and my mother’s 37 years old. At the age of 17, in my opinion, the 37-year-old mother is a pretty old woman; at the age of 37, I still feel that I am still very young. I chose not to be a mother. I didn’t have a child to match my age, so let me have a 37-year-old body and still maintain a 27-year-old state of mind.
But how did the mother spend her 27 and 37 years? As a daughter, I have never seen her as a mother, not a woman of different ages and ages, let alone thinking about her mental state. When my mother was 27 years old and I was 7 years old, she would take me to a tailor shop to make the same dresses for mother and daughter. But have I ever seen my mother’s young figure at 27? These images did not stay in my mind, only on the mottled photos. But after my mother died, when I finally entered her river of time, I could suddenly recall my mother’s independent life. I no longer look at my mother as a woman with the eyes of my daughter.
The mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 67. Six months before her death, she had been in great pain. Strangely, in the last month before my mother left, I started having abdominal pain; and when my mother ended the pain, my abdominal pain also magically disappeared. Most people say that mother and daughter are connected to each other. For me, it is the connection between mother and daughter’s ovaries and uterus.
Immediately after my mother left, I learned about my 47-year-old life. I had always turned 47 to 37, but I couldn’t hide the mirror of the years. Now that I have stepped into the river of mother’s time, not only do I feel that my mother is 17 years old, 27 years old, 37 years old, 47 years old, but I also start to understand the river of time beyond my age. Through my mother, I started to face my 47-year-old body and mind.
At the age of 47, her mother was admitted to the night school of Taiwan Normal University and spent a few years getting a college diploma that was of little use in her work. But this is a diploma in mother’s life, a way for her to find a life she can control.
I am 47 years old and have been living a life I can control. No matter in work, marriage, or life goals, I do not follow social norms, but I have a happy and happy life. Maybe I became the bright side of my mother’s shadowy life. Before my mother died, I knew she was always proud of me, or that she might envy me for living a wonderful life that she couldn’t have.
Before 47 years old, I felt that I and my mother were following two paths of life that were not connected at all: my freedom was not her freedom, and my happiness was her unhappiness. After my mother left, the two rivers of time that were originally rushing through each other were connected again, reminding me of the source of my life. There is a mother’s river of time in my river of time, and a mother’s river of time in my river of time.
Today, I can see the 47-year-old mother clearly through the eyes of my heart, without relying on photos, not only from my head, but also from my heart, why she wants to return to school—the only way to get her back Get off the track of life and let the train of life go back to the life you once missed when you were young.
The river of time is a river that can be repeatedly looked forward or backward. Originally I could only look back on my past, but see the eternal eyes brought about by my mother’s departure, and see my future and the river of time intertwined with my mother’s past.
I know that I will go through the journey that my mother has gone through. My uterus will eventually shrink, my skin will lose its moisturization, and the genes in my body will eventually move in the way that the mother remembers. My mother’s pain will eventually become my pain, although my happiness has never been my mother’s happiness.
Now, through the river of time, I walk into the time story of my mother’s life.