“Dad, how old are you?” I asked. When I heard him call him a dad, he looked at me with a look of disappointment, as if it was called to me that his name for more than 50 years was unacceptable. However, he has been hesitant for a while, and he has hesitated for a while, and answered with an alienated and polite attitude: “Twenty years old!”
When he said, his face showed a kind smile. No, I should say that his face has an innocent smile. It is the purity of a three-year-old doll, without a trace of pollution. I seem to see the three-year-old father with his grandmother to Zhangjiazhuang, his family happy smile. He once told me that he was a family because he had a lot of people, six sisters, and three aunts, so the house was very large, accounting for almost half of the Zhangjia village. Going to the New Year is one of the things that he was most looking forward to every year when he was a child.
“You are a daddy, how is it twenty?” I reminded him to show him the mirror and ask him to see the old man in the mirror.
“Hey, you have a silver-haired white hair, isn’t it twenty?” I gave him a second reminder to test his memory again.
Looking at the mirror with my father intently, I also looked at him in detail. He wore a light green short-sleeved shirt and washed it white. Originally, I wanted to help him change his husband’s business trip back to the new clothes he had just bought. He always refused, saying that he couldn’t wear other people’s clothes without money; he wore black elastic trousers, which used to be a tailored suit. The trousers were worn on the 50th anniversary of his marriage with his mother.
On that day, the father wearing a black suit was even more eager to win. I have to quarrel often, they play a kind of love in front of the camera. The moment the shutter captures is the father holding a flower in his hand, his eyes clear and eagerly looking at his mother; now, his father’s eyes are blurred and there is no such thing as two Although it is open, the window is empty because the memory is gradually deleted.
After years of dementia, he began to pack diapers. For the convenience of care, he had to reluctantly change the buttons and buttons of his beautiful suit waistband and replace the elastic band. The whole pair of pants looks fluffy and casual, and they are not handsome.
When I happily celebrated the 50th anniversary of their marriage for their parents, I never thought about it. Two years later, my father lost his mind, and after seven years his mother died, and the golden wedding photo of fifty years of marriage became the mother’s last photo. We chose to use her mother’s most brilliant and beautiful smile to think about her life-long suffering and suffering. Also because of the death of my mother, I took my demented father to the family for support, and it was three years.
My father didn’t wear a watch on his white wrist because he wouldn’t have watched time. When he first moved to my house, he wore the commemorative watch of the American General Motors Company that his husband sent him many years ago. He gazed at the gold-plated watch, saying that it was a gold watch, and he couldn’t take it off. He looked at it proudly every day and told me time.
With the gradual death of the brain cells, the beautiful watch made him fall into the maze of time and could not walk out. Although he still habitually puts on it and watches it every day, the long and short needles that keep changing positions, and the twelve shining numbers, become his incomprehensible book, he always looks at it with confusion. It is impossible to interpret the meaning represented by the magic puzzle. If the combination of time and space is a complete memory, then the father’s memory has broken through the big hole and is continuously lost. The gold that once made him proud is superfluous. He should be wondering why he wears something he can’t understand all day long. In order to avoid more frustrations, I took it off when I was asleep, and kept it in a lot of supplies that he once cherished but had no time to consider. It didn’t take long for him to forget about the watch.
Now wearing a pink bracelet on his wrist is one of my records of shopping yesterday. When I show off to him, he looks like a child with a new toy and wears it on his own hand. Never return me anymore.
Still sitting in the chair by the window, the bright sun shines through the window screen, like gold flowing on the crow’s feet and the old spots on his eyes. There are not many wrinkles on his face, the decrees are especially deep, the nose is very tall, the thin lips are slightly raised, and the lips are completely invisible to the “annual ring”. No one can see that he is A person who is ninety years old. Is it that amnesia not only makes his mind go backwards, but also looks backwards?
He always worried that there is no money. I don’t know if this is a common problem for the elderly, or whether there are sorrows for the old and the demented. Producing a passbook with his name, and loudly counting the deposits in the book, is my daily homework, but it does not help, every ten minutes, he will go out to find a book to make money. On the one hand, he still touched his pocket, so I quickly put a few hundred dollars in his pocket, but these did not really solve the problem.
Thanks to God for giving inspiration in my continuous prayers, I wrote in a father’s tone on a cardboard: “I, Cai Moumou, has taught books for more than 40 years, and now pensions at home, still There are children who are raised and have no worries about life. They don’t need to work again to make money.”
Nothing, I asked him to read his own happiness aloud. Every time I read it, the tight nerves on his face relaxed and smiled. But after reading it, I forgot it. Fortunately, he would automatically reread the good news on the billboard. He read it thousands of times a day, and he was not tired. My husband and I told him to use his time to handle other affairs.
I don’t know if it is because this “hypnosis” is effective, or if he is more degraded, it is no longer a middle-aged person who wants to work to support his family, but an outsider who is a guest at my house, often pulling my sleeves and nodding his head and laughing: “Thank you. Please send me home for your hospitality!”
I am tired of coping with the change ball thrown by the father of the dementia every day. I also know that some explanations are invalid. I can only hold back my tears. I hope to use the love and care conveyed by the tight cuddle to leave him in a stranger. “in.
At this point, after the father looked at himself in the mirror, he said to me with confidence: “My hair is white, but I am twenty years old!”
“You are my father, can’t be younger than me!” I was so squeaky, pulling his hand unwillingly, like pulling the soul that he gradually drifted away with the god of time, to call back to his depths. The years of memory and loss, to recall the father who loved me.
I didn’t expect him to raise his head, and his mouth sighed and said: “I – why – be your father!”
My heart seems to have been poked into a hole, a cold wind blows, cold to the bottom of my heart, in front of the endless gray, and in this diffuse gray, chasing after the father’s back, still screaming ” Dad, Dad, but the father who walks in front of me does not look back. When I finally caught up with the back, I took a closer look and found that I was chasing the wrong person. He was a strange body that looked exactly like his father, not my father.
In the never-ending dark world, there is actually only myself.
Such chasing, loss, chasing, and loss, turning around every day, forming a huge vortex, my father and I are floating in this whirlpool, unable to understand who’s life is more ruin.
My father’s words have frozen me in the absurdity of the past and the future. I can’t find an exit. It’s been a long time since I came back to God, swallowing my mouth, hiding the cold winter in my heart, and putting on a spring-filled tone, like a new one. Life is about to be lively. I am happy to announce: “Well, let you be a 20-year-old father!”